Operation Pink Herring

My compulsive shoe buying habits. Let me show you them.

How many shoes can you buy in one weekend before you officially have to check yourself into some sort of retail rehab?

 

Um... yeah.  Less than this, I assume?

It all started when Anna posted a picture of these shoes as part of Mission: Put Together.  I saw those shoes, and I fell in love.  I wanted them.  I had to have them.  Nevermind the fact that I can't walk in heels, heels hurt my back, heels are not my friend.  None of that mattered.  I had to have those shoes.  I spent several hours scouring the internet for that exact model (with quite a bit of help from my proxy shopper, RA) and we finally found them.  And wow, that sure was some heel.  Three and three quarters inches, to be exact.   Several more hours were spent searching the web for an identical pair with a slightly lower heel, to no avail.  I resolved to think about it over the weekend before clicking the "submit order" button that would send them straight to my door.

Then I went shopping with my mom over the weekend and I found these in Ann Taylor Loft.  Last pair.  My size.  Twenty bucks.  I took it as a sign.  I mean, what's not to love:

 

At our next shopping stop, I found a killer pair of red peeptoe pumps on sale at Ann Taylor, but they didn't have my size in New Jersey.  Instead, the lovely sales associates put a pair on hold for me in Maryland and I picked them up when I got home.  Along with a cute pair of brown pumps I found on sale at the MD store.  That's three pairs of pumps, for those of you keeping track.  And I also bought a pair of flip flops.  That brings our total to four.

I wore my new black pumps on Monday.  It was a disaster.  The heel!  What was I thinking?  Also, I cannot walk in pumps without stepping out of them and subsequently tripping.  A lot.  I had sort of forgotten about that. 

After a full day of tripping around the office I'd had a major dose of reality.  As  much as I would love to be one of those girls who wears fantastically high heels around the office, I am not.  My back is still reminding me of that fact today, three days later.  Sigh.  And they were such a bargain.

And so, after this little Monday reality check, Tuesday became one long search for The Perfect Black Pump.  Together, RA and I searched Zappos, Piper Lime and Endless, as well as the brand websites for Nine West and Bandolino, two of our favorite go-to shoe manufactures.  We found several options.  And because Endless offers free overnight shipping, I ordered them all.  Plus a few non-black pumps too. 

So that was another five pairs + my four pairs from the weekend = Nine new pairs of shoes.

Oh, and I also ordered two pairs of flats last week, too.  So that makes, what?  Eleven?  Oh wait, I also ordered my beloved red pumps in black the minute they went on sale at AnnTaylor.com, just to keep all my options open.  Since they hadn't yet arrived at the time of this photo-shoot, my trusty Teva flip-flops agreed to serve as a placeholder.

That's nine pairs of pumps, two pairs of flats, one pair of flip flops and a partridge in a fucking pear tree. Annotated version is on flickr, and I suggest you take a look, study it, and maybe make some flashcards because this shit is about to get complicated.

After much thought (too much thought for a topic not involving world peace or hungry orphans, but too late now!), I have determined the that the following contestants will not be moving forward to the next round of OPH's Next Top Shoe:

Ridiculously, fantastically high-heeled Ann Taylor Loft pumps. You are a really beautiful pair of shoes, and I love that you only cost $20.  But in this harsh world, being pretty isn't enough.  You also have to not cause bodily harm to the wearer.  I'm sorry, but you will not be OPH's Next Top Shoe. Please take your receipt, get into your box, and wait to be returned this weekend.

Brown Ann Taylor pumps.  You have so much going for you.  You've got a great look, your heel is a much more sensible height, and you were a veritable bargain, marked down from $128 to $49.99, with an extra 20% discount thrown in.  But you're a half size too big, and there were no more pairs left at the store to even think about exchanging you for.  And I already have a pair of slightly too-big brown heels that work really well.  I'm sorry, but you just don't have what it takes to be OPH's Next Top Shoe.   Please take your receipt, get into your box, and wait to be returned this weekend.

Red and silver Chinese Laundry pumps. You are both cute, but you just don't have that look that makes a shoe rise above all the other cute shoes in the world.  You both photograph well, but in person you just don't live up to your image.  I'm sorry, but you will not be OPH's Next Top Shoe.  Please take this return shipping label and prepare to be sent back to Endless.com headquarters.

The following contestants now remain in the running for OPH's Next Top Shoe:

Teva flip flops, please step to the side.  The black Ann Taylor peeptoe slingbacks that you graciously agreed to stand in for are something I desperately need.  Even though your heel is a bit high, you are most definitely walkable on top of being downright gorgeous.  Congratulations, you will be joining the other shoes in the closet.  You will NOT be returned. 

Red Ann Taylor flats, please step to the side.  You are adorable, you were on sale, you are comfortable, and you will be an excellent replacement for those horrid Steve Madden flats that have been destroying my feet for the past eight months. You're everything a shoe should be. Congratulations, you will NOT be returned.

And lastly, blue Ann Taylor flip flops, please step to the side.  A good pair of flip-flops are a no-brainer, and you were on sale for $12 and go perfectly with a new dress I just bought (more on that in a minute!).  Congratulations, you will NOT be returned. 

I now have five pairs of beautiful shoes before me.  Unfortunately, I am not sure that you all have what it takes to become a permanent fixture in my closet.   Let's start with the middle row.

Red Ann Taylor peeptoe slingbacks:  You are a work of art.  You're actually walkable (the slingback seems to be better for me than the pump), but you still have a three inch heel.  I'm just not sure that there's room for two pairs of patent leather peeptoe slingbacks in my closet, and we have to face the fact that your beauty can work against you - red doesn't go with everything.  But you really do have a great look, and you are still in the running for OPH's Next Top Shoe.  The audience will decide if you have what it takes to be one of OPH's Next Top Shoes.

Dear audience, please vote now using the poll box below.  Should these beautiful shoes remain in my collection, or are they a ridiculous indulgence?  They set me back $52 (originally priced $118).

Opinion Polls & Market Research

On to the blue flats.  You're a nice pair of shoes, for sure.  But you were purchased with a specific purpose: to go with a new blue dress.  I'll be honest with you, I'm just not sure you go with the dress at all. 

The audience will decide your future. These shoes were originally priced at $98 (I think), I paid $40.

Opinion Polls & Market Research

(I won't ask you to vote on whether or not I should keep Madison because he ate his receipt long ago.  And then threw it up in a basket of clean laundry.)

Let's move on to the third row of contestants. 

I have before me three pairs of black pumps.  I was convinced that I desperately needed a pair of black pumps, but now I'm just not sure. 

Nine West pumps: Your heel is 1/4 higher than the Bandolinos, and you cost $79. 

Bandolino pumps: You cost $69 and have a lower heel, but you're slightly pointier -- and I don't think I like that about you.  To tell you the truth, I don't love either of you.  You just haven't shown me that you have what it takes to be OPH's Next Top Shoe.  I just don't think that you want this badly enough.  Do you?  Do you really WANT THIS? I'll be straight with you, honey:  I'm afraid you're just not "me". 

Chinese Laundry black pumps:  You guys have it going on.  You're much more my style, and I love that you were on sale for $48.  The one problem I have with you is the wooden heel.  It looks cute -- but I'm afraid that it makes you unfancy enough to void the whole purpose of having a pair of black pumps.  You'd be fun under jeans, but I'm not sure if you'd ever beat out my beloved Privos.  I just don't know if you want this badly enough.  I don't think you really, really WANT to be OPH's Next Top Shoe. Do you?

All three pairs of pumps have some great qualities, but only one of you (at most) can become OPH's Next Top Shoe: Black Pump Edition.

Tune in next week to find out who got returned and who made the final cut to become OPH's Next Top Shoe! 

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Edited to add: Today marks the halfway point of Mission: Put Together!  RA has crunched some fantastic numbers in honor of this midpoint - go over and check her post out.  I meant to do a mid-month M:PT recap, but I didn't get around to it.  As you can see, I've been a little busy.

What I've been up to

(Format liberally borrowed from Janet, who borrowed it from Not Martha)

Reading

The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan.  Although it took me a good month (or three) to get past the first fifty pages about corncorncorn, I am now simultaneously enthralled and horrified.  Did you know cows aren't naturally adapted to eat corn?  Did you know that many organic free-range chickens only have access to a tiny yard outside their shed during the last two weeks of their lives, and by that time they're so used to being indoors that they're too scared to venture out of their shed?  DID YOU?   DID YOU KNOW THAT?  Because I sure didn't.  But if you've been anywhere near me during the past couple of days, I probably told you all about it.  And yes, I do realize I am about two years late on the bandwagon here, what's your point?

Eating

I need to bring three side dishes to a fancy bridal shower in June, and RA helpfully shared two of her tried-and-true recipes for me to practice with.  I had a moment of panic when I realized I wasn't sure exactly what a clove of garlic was (Hey Joel?  How much is a clove of garlic?  Is it the whole thing?  I think it's the whole thing because the directions said to peel it, but that sure seems like a lot of garlic.  But I already put it all in, so I hope that a clove means the whole thing.), and Rachel Ray is smoking some serious crack if she really thinks this recipe can be done from start to finish in 15 minutes (it took me 15 minutes just to peel the clove of garlic), but the salad was delicious.  Bonus points: I made it with spinach I picked up at the local farmer's market!

Watching

The first two installments of the Indiana Jones Trilogy.   Can you believe I've never seen them?   Neither can I.   We're working hard to rectify that before the new one comes out in theaters. 

Oh, and I am also still watching Moonlight, and I'd like you all to know that I actually think that this show is getting better.  Seriously!  It's not like it could have gotten any worse, but hey: progress is progress.

Meeting

Laurel, from Sass Attack!  I had to attend a meeting in NYC for work, and I asked Laurel if she'd like to meet up for drinks before my meeting on Thursday night.  And she said yes!  And I actually found the bar she suggested!  That deserves many, many exclamation points!!!  We had a fabulous time, if I do say so myself.  Can we do it again soon?  Like, tomorrow?  Or how about right now? 

Shopping

With my momma.  After my meeting in NYC, I spent the rest of the weekend in NJ.  Since it was pouring rain on Friday, we went shopping.  I'm proud to report that we came away with an outfit for my mom to wear to an upcoming party AND two pairs of great, non-low rise, jeans.  I also introduced my mom both Ann Taylor franchises, and while she didn't buy anything there, I ended up taking home more than enough for both of us.   Hello, new shoes!

Listening

To that Jordin Sparks "No Air" song.  I have never watched American Idol, but I do love me some Jordin Sparks.  Almost as much as Kelly Clarkson.   

Loving

How much my kitties missed us while we were away for the weekend.  Having a snuggly cat nestled uncomfortably in your armpit all night is almost as nice as sleeping in blissful silence for two nights in a row at your mom's house.  Almost.  Apparently the key to raising loving and obedient pets is to abandon them for the weekend on a regular basis.

Wondering

If I should make plans for the upcoming Memorial Day weekend, or if it would be more fun to hole up at home for the entire three-day break.  Thoughts?

The secret to living a happy and productive life, let me tell you it.

My normal weekend routine includes sleeping until at 10 or 11am, putzing around the house, watching some TV, eating breakfast, eating lunch, organizing, cleaning, possibly changing out of my pajamas to go to yoga, maybe taking a shower, maybe doing some laundry, and eating some more.   

Now, I love this routine.  I get all antsy whenever we have actual plans that keep me from getting in my cleaning/organizing/sleeping/watching TV in pajamas time.  I need my time at home to keep me sane.    But all too often, I find myself feeling depressed on Saturday nights because the weekend is suddenly half over and I've accomplished nothing.  In theory, I strongly believe that rest and relaxation are noble and valid activities for a Saturday.  In practice, OMG NOTHING GOT CROSSED OFF MY TO-DO LISTWAAAAAAAAH I SUCK.

Well, friends: after twenty-seven years on this planet, I have solved my perpetual conundrum.  I have discovered how someone who is NOT A MORNING PERSON can still get the most out of a weekend day, without sacrificing sleep! 

The secret is... go to sleep at 9:30pm on Saturday night.  That's right, you heard me!  Just go to bed at 9:30pm, and you'll be able to wake up feeling refreshed from a hefty eleven hour rest, make yourself a nice breakfast of waffles and Morningstar Farms Sausage Patties (I am convinced that these patties are not at all vegetarian.  They are way too delicious to be made out of soybeans and vegetables), and freshly brewed coffee -- which you made yourself -- and still leave the house by 9am!   I even managed to put in a load of laundry before I headed out to the Farmer's Market!  And it was still before 9am!  I think this deserves at least seven more exclamation points!!!!!!! (!!!)

PS: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After hitting up the Farmer's Market to support my local agronomists (The Omnivore's Dilemma is guilting me into becoming a better person), I also

• Went to Target
• Stopped by Ann Taylor Loft
• Went to Safeway
• Cleaned up the entire back patio, including sweeping, planting flowers, and dragging the hose out of the basement to water the new flowers
• Took down the Christmas lights from the front windowbox, watered the plants, weeded our sidewalk planter box
• Vacuumed the entire house

That, right there, is about two month's worth of stuff.  And I got it all done before Joel came home from his race at 7pm.  Seriously, if I had known this was all it takes to feel so productive, I would have adopted a six-year-old's bedtime ages ago! 

(OK, not really.  I am still a night owl at heart, and I really didn't intend to fall asleep at 9:30.  It just kind of happened.)

In other news: This weekend Joel was informed that he won a Bigtime Coaching Award That I Probably Shouldn't Name On My Personal Internet Site, Now That I Think About It.   So, howza bout a round  of applause for mah man?

In other news (part two): I am absolutely loving everyone's submissions and comments on Mission: Put Together.  Keep em' coming!  You guys are almost making Business Casual fun.  Almost.   

Casual Day, my one true love (sorry, Joel!)

From time to time, my office has Casual Day.  Casual Day used to be every Friday between Memorial Day and Labor Day.  Then it changed to being on random Fridays throughout the year.  Now it's no longer on Fridays exclusively.  Any day of the week can be Casual Day.  Today is Casual Day, for instance.  Last Monday was Casual Day.  Some months, there is a Casual Day every week.  Some months, there are no Casual Days.  If there is a method behind the Casual Day schedule, I have yet to discover it.  And trust me, I've spent a lot of time analyzing this. 

I LOVE Casual Day.  In fact, I don't think that ALL CAPS LOVE is a strong enough term.  I live for Casual Day?  Casual Day is the center of my life?  I want to marry Casual Day and have lots of Casual Babies with it?  Yes, I think that adequately sums up my feelings about Casual Day.  I just feel more comfortable in jeans than I do in biznass pants.  I honestly feel like I do my job better when it's Casual Day.  I am a better, happier person on Casual Day.

RA and I have had many a GChat discussion about my love for Casual Day, and our sadness that jeans are so discriminated against in the workplace.  We both think that a nice pair of jeans paired with a cute top and decent shoes looks better than the polyester jogging suits that half of my office wears on a daily basis.  But polyester jogging suits fit within our dress code, just because they're not jeans.   And so, most days, I must suffer through the working hours in pants I bought at Target while my Seven for All Mankind Jeans sit at home in the drawer, wondering why I don't love them.  It's a cruel, cruel world.

But, such is life.  And refusing to brush my hair or wear matching clothes in protest on non-Casual Days really isn't hurting anyone but me.  I want to look like a responsible, attractive adult.  But I don't want to spend a lot of money on clothes that I'm only going to wear 9-5, Monday-Friday.  What to do?

Well, RA and I got to talking (cue Sex and the City theme song).  I always take note of people whose style I admire.  We've determined that it's not necessarily expensive or designer clothes that make a look work, but how all the pieces form a polished, cohesive unit.  The people I admire in the grocery store or in the elevator don't look like they rolled out of bed four minutes before they need to leave the house, threw on a shirt from the clean laundry basket their ferret-cat had been using as a bed, paired it with a pair of wrinkled khakis from the floor, and rushed out of the house.  Ahem.  They look like they spent a few minutes picking out a basic outfit, and then adding accessories and shoes that really pulled it all together.

I want to be more like these people.  I want to look half-decent, at least most of the time.  I'm not looking for a complete wardrobe overhaul or a visit from the What Not To Wear crew.  I just want to put a little bit more effort into my appearance.  And I want someone to give me credit for trying, damnit.

And that's where the Mission: Put Together photo pool that RA and I have created comes in(translation: RA did all the work, I provided encouragement via GChat).  For the month of May, we will be posting our efforts at creating put-together, cohesive looks for the world to see.

I know what you're thinking!  But what about me?  Can I play too?

Yes!  Please join our group and post your own photos! (Translation: DON'T LEAVE US HANGIN', INTERWEB FRIENDS)! 

But how do I know if my outfit is good enough to post?   

Mission: Put Together is for any outfit you are proud of.  It doesn't have to be a new outfit, an expensive outfit, or an outfit you've never worn before.  You just have to think you rocked it.

But what if I look put-together and fabulous every day?

Then I hate you.  That's great!  Post a picture every day and teach us all your secrets!

What if I can hardly muster the energy to change out of my pajamas most days?

Post a picture whenever you feel inspired.  I am going to aim for two post-worthy outfits a week during May. 

What if I wear the same three pairs of pants every week?  Are you all going to laugh at me?

Welcome to my world, my friend.   I will DEFINITELY  be repeating items.  I often wear the same pants two days in a row.  Or three days in a row.  I tell myself no notices.

But I work from home/my office has a casual dress code!  I wear jeans and flip flops every day!

Mission: Put Together is an equal opportunity Flickr Group.  We do not practice jeans discrimination.  In fact, we love jeans.  And also, I want your job.  Please send me an application.

What if I have a crappy camera?  Or I have a nice camera that I don't know how to operate?  WHAT THEN, I ASK?

Dude, we don't care.  I plan on taking pictures with my cell phone half the time.  And it's not even a fancy iPhone.

What if I don't have a Flickr account? 

Just email your picture to me or RA and we will post it for you.

But what if I don't even have my own blog?

That's fine!  Just email one of us your pictures and we'll post them in the group for you.

OK, I'll send that over as soon as I clean up the laundry piles in the background.  And paint the walls.  And buy new furniture.  And lose 10 pounds.

Don't stress about any of that stuff.  This is just for fun.  And I can promise you that my laundry pile is bigger than yours.

Oh, no!  I couldn't possibly let anyone see this horrific laundry pile.

OK, then I suggest that you just stand squarely in front of your giant laundry pile when you take the picture, thereby blocking it from the interwebs view. Like this, for example:

Um, why are you holding your shoes up like that?

Because I don't have a full-length, mirror.  I KNOW!  The horror!

OK.  This sounds like fun!  I can't wait to pick out my outfit for tomorrow and wow the whole office with my great look!

See, now that's the idea!

Can we stop pretending that this is an actual conversation between two people and just end this entry now?

Oh, fine.  Party pooper.

Or! It could be nothing.

Reason #7893 your fluffy ferret-cat might be wasting away (OR, Things Dr. Google, DVM won't tell you):

Hey, idiot.  Your cat might just be really, really stubborn.  Toss the fancy organic*, not-tested-on-animals, all-natural kibble in the closet next to the organic*, environmentally friendly, all-natural cat litter and buy some goddamn Fancy Feast already.

Madison: 53,897

Me: -6

*Neither the food or litter are actually organic.  Which is a real shame.