I don't usually watch the new episodes of 7th Heaven. In fact, since I haven't been to the gym in the past oh, 10 or 11 weeks, I haven't even been watching the reruns that air on ABC Family at 6pm lately. It's a sad state of affairs when you turn on the television, and see Simon getting married and think "who the hell is this Rose chick?"
Thankfully the universe had good timing, and I happened to be looking for something cheesy, yet infuriating, to watch last night at 8pm. The series finale of 7th Heaven just happened to be on.
The finale was pretty much everything I would have expected from a show that has been spewing preachy sentimentalism for the past TEN YEARS. That show was on the air for a decade. Putting it in the same category as Friends and Seinfeld. And Stargate SG1, as Joel is always quick to point out.
The going back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth about whether of not the wedding was actually going to happen was enough to make a person dizzy. The montage at the end that included that awful shot of the happy and loving Reverend and Mrs. Camden holding up their large, full wine glasses while looking lustily into each others eyes made me nauseous. The fact that the winner of the "7th Heaven Smile Moment" was when The Grinning Idiot proposed to Lucy made me want to throw the TV out the window. I would have expected nothing less.
I think the show would have been much enhanced if the wedding featured live music by Cecilia, who is still played by Ashlee Simpson, of course. Could she not dye her hair back blond and put on the sweet, chaste facade for one more night? Is she so famous now that she has forgotten where she came from? You were getting busted buying condoms at the local drugstore with Simon before you were lip synching on Saturday Night Live, Ashlee. Don't you forget it.
And if they couldn't get Ashlee to perform at the wedding, would it be too much to ask for a plot twist involving Jessica Biel that wasn't a dream sequence? I'm envisioning something like this: Mary is planning to surprise everyone by showing up to the wedding (because that's the cool thing to do in the Camden family, according to Matt and his preggo wife with very curly, very shiny hair. Even if it means not telling your family about your pregnancy until the 7th month. And flying during the third trimester. The day before your graduation from medical school.) She's running late, so she's speeding down the pristine roads of suburban California to make it to the church on time. And of course, she's drunk and the car is loaded up with memorabilia that she stole from a diner as a part of a hazing prank. Just as Simon is about to reluctantly say "I do", Mary crashes her car into the front of the church, and runs over Rose. Problem solved! No wedding! Better yet, maybe she could borrow one of those fighter jets from her breakout movie about the airplane that gains self-awareness and tries to destroy the world, and drive THAT to the wedding and crash it through the church. I don't think that would be asking too much. But apparently Jessica Biel has also forgotten her humble beginnings as the renegade daughter of the Camden family.
At the very least, the twins could have drawn something a little more inventive on their faces than mustaches. I'm just saying.
Other gripes: Why did Ruthie's boyfriend have to look like a cross between and hippie and a child molester? Ruthie was the only one in the whole town of Glenoak that had an ounce of sense. When did she start DATING? I thought that slow dancing was only appropriate for the married Camden offspring. And "Umberto"? Are you serious? They couldn't come up with any other Hispanic name for their token ethnic character? And was that baby that showed up at the end supposed to be Simon's illegitimate kid? So it was a happy ending, because he didn't marry Rose when he in fact has a child with some OTHER random girl? Is that what is passing for wholesome television these days? And yet they couldn't have just one Ashlee Simpson performance, and Mary got kicked off the show for posing semi-nude in Gear magazine at 17 years of age?
That sort of reasoning is akin to when the Reverend was so upset because Matt and curly shiny Sarah were having premarital sex, or at least sleeping in the same bed from time to time. But not really, because it turned out that they had secretly married on their first date, and then staged another fake wedding so that the honorable Reverand could officiate. Because getting married and lying to your family about it is better than having premarital sex.
I'm almost sad that this show is off the air. How are the children of tomorrow going to learn about the wholesome values of going to church and procreating like rabbits? What other show would dare to have a hot vixen homewrecker who is also a police officer and just happens to be named named Roxanne who seduces the Associate Pastor into commiting the deadly sin of lust (but who is really just confused and upset about her alcoholic father)? And I'm even willing to admit, although The Grinning Idiot is the most annoying character on television, he was still pretty damn hot. I'll miss you, Kevin Kinkirk. I will not miss your television wife. Goodbye and good riddance to Lucy Camden's reign of drama, poutiness, and cute pregnancy outfits.