Ah, Christmas trees. Who doesn't love a Christmas tree, right?
I think that people are supposed to have joyous memories of sitting around the Christmas tree, inhaling the deep pine scent, sipping hot apple cider and singing carols while simultaneously baking cookies. or something.
My Christmas tree memories are more like this: The calendar flips to December. Christmas decorations start going up around the neighborhood. My mom decides it's time to put up the tree and tells us to go up in the attic and bring down the tree.
Dude, the attic is cold. The stairs are steep. Plus, there are ghosts up there. You think I'm joking, but THE GHOSTS ARE REAL. As real as the monsters in the basement, anyway.
The tree box is heavy and requires quite a bit of maneuvering to bring down. And then we have to set it up. More work. Sigh.
THEN, we have to go get the decorations down from the attic and put every single one on the tree. I'm pretty sure this constitutes more work.
And then a few weeks later, we had to do the whole process in reverse and put everything back up in the attic! Which is still cold and full of ghosts! MORE WORK. SIGH.
I really never got the whole point of having a Christmas tree. We had a whole row of pine trees outside in the yard, and I would have been plenty happy to slap a bow on the trunk of one of them and call it The Christmas Tree, thus saving ourselves a load of work. I understand some people find sentimental value in the temporary presence of a tree in the house during December. I am not one of those people, as I am lazy and have a heart made from coal. But you know who is one of those people? My boyfriend.
It kills Joel a little bit every year that we do not have a tree. I have many items on the CONS OF GETTING A CHRISTMAS TREE list, which I pull out every year:
- There is no point.
- We have cats.
- Our cats like to destroy things.
- We already have a Christmas tree. Six of them.
- I don't feel like cleaning up the needles.
- If we get a fake tree, where is it going to go for the rest of the year?
- Don't even say in the basement unless you are going to be the one putting it down there. And the one who brings it up next year. And the one checking for ghosts. And then cleaning the kitchen floor. Have I mentioned our basement is partial and the floor is made of dirt?
- We have like three decorations to put on this tree, and I'm not even sure where they are.
- Where is this tree going to go, anyway?
- Have I mentioned there is no point?
- And the cats? Who are probably swinging from the branches of the poor hibicus tree at this very moment?
The PROS OF GETTING A CHRISTMAS TREE list goes something like this:
- It's just not Christmas without a tree.
Lord help me, I think we are getting a tree this year.