Phantom cat odor, keys, and pickup lines

When we arrived home on Monday night, I was braced to be hit in the face by a wall of Phantom Cat Odor when we opened the front door.  Every once in awhile I'll catch a whiff of PCO in the front room, undoubtedly from the period of time last year that I like to call Hell On Earth, when Henry was peeing on EVERYTHING with no explanation.  I've treated spots he peed on with hundreds of dollars worth of Resolve, Nature's Miracle, Arm and Hammer Pet Odor Treatment, regular old Arm and Hammer sprinkled (dumped) liberally all over the carpet, Special Enzyme Cleaners Ordered from the Interwebs, and basically tried everything known to mankind to get rid of the smell, and STILL. Still we smell it sometimes.  I even ordered a black light to find hidden pee-spots (which was a total waste of money) and soaked pretty much the entire carpet in gallons of enzyme cleaner and STILL.  I smell it, sometimes.  And that's the problem: I only smell it sometimes.  Which I take to mean that most of the time, I've become so acclimated to PCO that I don't even notice it.  When we returned from Lake Tahoe this summer after being away for over a week, we were bowled over by the stench upon returning home.  Oh my God, we realized, This is what our house smells like to normal people.  And that is why you'll find me burning seventeen different strategically placed scented candles whenever someone is coming over.

Before this turns into an entire entry about cat pee (which I'm sure would be thrilling, but I've got more important things to tell you about) my point is: when we came home from Barcelona on Monday night I did not notice any tangible cat odor upon walking through the door.  Success at last!   Nor did I find any passive-aggressive pee spots anywhere in the house.  Nope, all we came home to was an excessive amount of cat litter tracked through the Poop Room and one pile of barf.  Not bad, not bad at all!

But that would just have been too easy.  There is always a price to pay for going away and having a fabulous time, and for this trip that price was hopping into Joel's truck on Tuesday morning to find the battery had mysteriously died while we were away.  We abandoned ship truck and Joel and I switched keys so he could borrow my car for the day.   When I went to the grocery store that evening I took my spare set of keys, rather than be bothered with walking all the way upstairs to get my primary set back from Joel.  When I got home, I remembered that I hadn't been able to get into my office that morning because my office keys are on my primary key set, so we switched back. I gave him his keys, and I took back my keys. But the spare keys remained in my purse, and so when I kissed Joel goodbye on Wednesday morning and told him, "Sure!  Borrow my car again!  Of course, darling!", I waltzed out the door with both sets of keys to said car. 

This is what Joel has to look forward to FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. 

But whatever, it was a good excuse for me to meet Joel downtown for lunch to deliver my spare keys. 

I borrowed my coworker's metro pass and rode it one stop, which left me a few blocks from Joel's office.  As I was getting off the train, the guy behind me mumbled something.  I ignored him, which I believe is standard protocol for such situations.  He caught up to me on the escalator and mumbled again, slightly louder, "So, just getting off for lunch?", which I'm sure you'll all agree is the most original pickup line EVER.  I told him "yes" and tried my best to walk away, but he was having none of it.  He walked with me for three blocks, chatting me up with conversation about his business, how important he is, blah blah blah, but since he was just full of himself and not a total dangerous-looking psycho, I figured there was no harm in it.  He was asking me about my job, and then it turned out that we went to the same college, and then he told me he was looking for someone just like me to come work at his big important company.   I realized exactly how lame this line was at the time, but I figured what the hell -- maybe he really does want to give me a fabulous job and pay me lots of money to work from home in  my pajamas.  So I gave him my card.  (After he asked for it, I didn't just throw it at him and tell him to call me, anytime, day or night.)

What should really shock you about that statement is not that I gave my card to a total stranger who tried to pick me up on the shady Baltimore metro, but that I actually had a business card with me.  The only reason I did was because I had re-organized my massive wallet the night before to remove all the Euro coinage that was weighing me down.  God, I'm so professional.  Except for the fact that I'm pretty sure I gave him my outdated card with my old position title.  Whatever.

And then he asked if I'd like to have lunch with him at Panera Bread, and I told him that I was sorry, but I couldn't because I was meeting my fiance for lunch.   It was the first time I've said that lovely French word in a real conversation (as opposed to the many conversations I have with myself in my head and the conversations that I have with the cats when I get home at night, who's my schmoopy kitten-head?  You are!  Yooou are!)

Then I got to tell my fiance that we couldn't go to Panera like he wanted to because I'd just given my card to a random stranger in there. 

So we went to Chipotle instead.

And thus ends the most discombobulated entry in history.  I had my usual, a vegetarian burrito with both kinds of beans and corn salsa, in case you were wondering.  And yes, I do know that the pinto beans have pork in them and I don't care because I'm not really a vegetarian.

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PS - Thank you all so so very much for breaking this site's comment record with your congratulations.  In return, I promise not to become an Interweb Bridezilla.   And I will write The Proposal Story, but be forewarned that it might induce gagging and diabetic comas because it is just that sweet.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

PPS - OMG WE'RE GETTING MARRRRRRIED!!!!

PPPS - I promise, that's the last time I'll do that.

PPPPS, Confidential to Ruthie: Dude, you have to leave an email address when you comment so I can reply!  Yes, I heard, and CONGRATS to you too! 

 

Comments

[Isabel]

So, has the guy called you yet to offer you the position of President of Huge Company?

Also, Joel is a lucky man.

(I can't wait for the sweet proposal story. Get on it. STAT.)

(You're not really a vegetarian? We can't be friends.)

[Kirsten]

You crack me up. I love your blog
Funny- when i was reading..i did think..she's got her business card on her??:) haha. I dont even have one. apparently my company doesn't think I'm important enough to have one.
Also- I really wish i knew how much our house smells like "DOG" now that we have 2. but thye are worht it..and I don't smell it. (most of the time)

[Danielle]

I just had a recent revelation in regards to my house smell too. No cat pee, just the smell of "old" (although now that I write that, maybe it is cat pee from previous owners. ACK!). Now I'm totally self-conscious to have people over! I'm going to have to try your candle trick.

[Erika]

I have been meaning to tell you I bought the dog version of Feliway. I wish I had gotten it from Amazon like you indicated because holy schnikes that shit cost a fortune at Petsmart. Anyway, we had to put it in a plug behind a nightstand so that Sherman doesn't get to it and...I don't know...drink it maybe...and I am very skeptical about how much it is getting out into the room. I mean...it's not like I can smell it? Of course the package says it could take up to 4 weeks to work which is exactly how long the refill lasts. We'll see. I got it hoping that our little dog wouldn't freak the F out when the big dog or J comes to bed a couple of hours after we do.

Wow, I should write product reviews, I am really good at this.

[Stephanie]

Oh!!! My car has phantom musty odor too. It could be that it has 154,000 miles on it. But it has a random musty smell that likes to appear mainly in the summer but then it will surprise you and do it in the dead of winter. Really, I think it was in a flood in the 9 months that someone else owned it.

PS. OMG OMG OMG Holy mother hell shit fire - You GOT ENGAGED! And you are totally allowed to wedding rant and such. Just be prepared for everyone and their mother's assvice.

[Ruthie]

JEN! I'm so honored-- i got a shout-out! I don't even know your email so hit me up :P

[Erin]

Ugh, we had that situation when my cat Caitlin started going senile. Cat piss smell, everywhere. We had to steam clean our house twice. Now, it seems to be mostly gone.

Anyway, congrats on your trip to Spain. I'm enormously jealous. Seriously.

You two ought to have gone to Panera anyway...

[alyndabear]

Squeeeee.. be as wedding-ish as you like. I need to live vicariously though YOU, miss Jen!

[Laurel]

YES!! Super Sweet Diabetic Coma proposal story! NOW!!!

Also, sometimes I walk into my bedroom and it smells... like the bedding you put in a hamster cage. I have no idea how it could smell that way, but it always manages to embarrass me. Is that how my BEDROOM always smells?

[Jemima]

Oh My God! You're getting maaaaarried! How utterly fabulous!

A ring and no cat pee...what else can a girl ask for?

[Caryn]

I had to laugh when you were writing about using the word fiance in a conversation. My now-husband and I were engaged for just over a year, and do you know how long it took me to get used to calling him my fiance? Never. Because by the time I was about at that point, I was allowed to call him husband, which was even weirder. For the longest time I was afraid that I would refer to him as my fiance (or, later, husband) and get a poor, pitying look from someone, only to find out that I had a slip of the tongue and we weren't actually engaged (or married). Weird. I also avoid calling people by their names whenever possible, for a similar reason.