One of the front desk monitors at my gym (yup, THIS ONE) has taken to calling me “Pinky”. I find it vaguely annoying, partly because the pink hat I sometimes wear in the winter (the one in the About Me Photo up on the top left) really isn’t extraordinary enough to warrant an nickname and partly because, well, I don’t really want to be called “Pinky”.
Last night, I arrived just in time for my 5:30 date with the elliptical. As I swiped my card (which I now pay for with perfectly good money!), he looked up and said “Hey there, Pinky.”
“You’re going to need to come up with a new nickname, I’ve officially retired that hat for the season”, I told him. (And let me just add that my name pops up on the screen he’s looking at when I swipe my card, so it’s not like he doesn’t know my real name.)
“Pinky’s a good name, though,” he replied. And I would have just left it there, except I decided last week that I need to be better about actually talking to the people I see daily – the people who work in the coffee shop, the woman who collects my trash every afternoon, the security guard who checks my badge every morning and afternoon. Here’s my opportunity, I thought. Time to start being a better person!
“I don’t think I want to be Pinky. It reminds me of Pinky from Pinky and the Brain,” I said.
“Pinky and the Brain is a great show!”
“Um, yeah, but Pinky is RETARDED.”
“He’s not retarded, he’s funny”
“He’s funny because he’s retarded.”
"All the same, I’d rather not share a nickname with a retarded mouse. Anyway, I’d better get going…"
"Yeah, you better get to it! You’re always working hard. We were just talking about how hard you work here. "
"You and... who?"
"Oh, you know, me and one of the other guys here."
"Yeah, not really. I haven’t been here in like, two weeks. I NEED to work out harder. (Awkward laugh)"
"No, you’re doing really great! We were just talking about how big you’re getting."
"What?! How big I’m getting, like (arm flex), or how big I’m getting, like (hands on hips)?"
"Oh, no no, like GOOD big! You’re definitely not getting big! You’ve lost a lot of weight, haven’t you?"
"Uh… not really."
"Yes you have!"
"Uh…. Not really."
"Like… two pounds."
"Um… yes way." (Can you feel the awkwardness growing? AND GROWING?)
"You’ve lost more than that. You’ve lost at least like 20-30 lbs!"
"Yeah, you’re doing great!"
Aaaand that’s when I walked away and drowned myself in the public water fountain.
Important things to remember:
- This guy is a certified personal trainer, not some jackhole who knows nothing about weight or fitness.
- I am five foot one. I am currently 10 pounds over my ideal weight. Meaning this dude thinks that at one point I was FORTY pounds over my ideal weight.
- Forty pounds may not sound THAT bad, but let me reiterate: FIVE FOOT ONE. Forty pounds on me is like sixty on a normal person.
- I have NEVER weighed TWENTY TO THIRTY POUNDS MORE THAN I DO NOW.
- PEOPLE AT THE GYM TALK ABOUT ME.
- AND THEY THINK I’M FAT.
Operation: Talk to People/Be A Better Person is officially canceled.