Dear USPS

Dear United States Postal Service,

What did I ever do to you?

I'm pretty used to getting the neighbor's mail by now, and I don't even mind.  It's not too much trouble for me to shove it in between their glass door and real door, I just have to do so silently so that they don't think I'm leaving a bag of flaming poop on their doorstep.  It's a little bit difficult since their screen door squeaks like crazy, but really - it's no trouble.  Please don't worry about delivering the mail to the correct house.   I'm on it.  Plus, when you accidentally deliver their Netflix to us, and I accidentally rip them open and then accidentally watch the movie before turning it over... well, no one has to know about that.  Although, maybe you could have a word with them about their taste in film.  I mean, Elizabethtown?  Seriously? 

And the whole throwing packages in the alley/leaving them on the doorstep in the pouring rain/shoving them into our poor, mistreated shrubbery thing?  Whatever.  That time you stamped my mom's birthday package "return to sender" and shipped it back to NJ because I didn't pick it up the same day it was delivered?  No big deal.  The time you took 26 days to deliver a box of chocolates and then refused to put it through the mailslot?  I'm over it.

But when Janet told me that she got me a Crazy Cat Lady present during her thrift store extravaganza weekend, I was pretty excited to see what she'd found.   Even though she warned me that it was sort of weird and it only cost 5 cents, I was looking forward to to seeing what it was.  My life is pretty boring, I'm not going to lie.   Getting something in the mail is grounds for celebration in our household. 

That's why I'm so crushed that I'll never see this particular bit of vintage awesomeness, handpicked for me by one of the coolest bloggers on the internet.   

I do appreciate that you were thoughtful enough to put the mangled envelope in a plastic bag that said "We Care!" and deliver it, sans contents, to our house.  That does mean a lot.  And, hey, these things happen.  It's a whole 40 miles between Janet's house and mine, you can't be expected to deliver an envelope all that way without accidentally dropping it into a shredder.  No biggie.

But can I ask a favor?  The next time you're looking through my mail trying to find something for your rabid pet donkey to chew on, could you grab one of those Jury Duty notices instead?  Because, really, do I need to be called for Jury Duty FOUR TIMES?  I mean, I guess it's up to you.  You're the government agency, I'm just a lowly citizen who is apparently REALLY GOOD AT JURY DUTY. 

Hey, and could you maybe explain to my fiance that when I bought those cute superhero stamps for him, they were intended TO BE USED.  Not to be saved.  Maybe you could have a word with him about our Netflix queue while you're at it.    

Thanks a bunch! 

O. Pink Herring, bedraggled postal customer extraodinaire

PS - Those boring flag stamps are so 2006.  Maybe we could get a design with a cool eagle, or something? 

Comments

[janet]

I feel so....famous right now! I mean my five cent mangled present got a feature story! :)

For those of you curious as to the content of the envelope when I mailed it, it was a little leather purse tag that had the names of OPH's cats on it. We are so cool.

[Laurie]

Bummer!

I've got to say though, I have had good luck with the post office and sort of love the one by my office.

But I'm sure now that I've said that, they're going to royally screw me.

[RA]

I didn't know the envelope was empty! That is really poor form. Did they not NOTICE that it was completely destroyed when they delivered it?

And also - holy new design, Batman! Very snazzy. Am I, like, two weeks late in noticing this?

[heidikins]

I'm with RA, LOVE the new design! Super Fancy!

And I can't believe that some mangy USPS worker stole your purse tags; seriously, I'd totally take them to the Supreme Feline Court or something, jerks.

xox

[Charise]

a few months ago, i was worrying because the check for my hoa dues hadn't cleared yet. and then, whaddya know, i get an envelope from the post office that contains a ripped up corner of my envelope (the part with my return address label)and a piece of my check. their machines had eaten my perfectly normal sized/proportioned, one-piece-of-paper-and-one-check-filled envelope. but, hey, they were nice enough to send me back a couple little bits of it.

[elise]

New design is fab. And although I have had no major problems to speak of with the USPS, I have had SERIOUS, HAIR-PULLING problems with UPS. Those bastards.

[Heidi]

omg USPS sucks so badly. Like...didn't get a birthday card from a friend because USPS lost it. Had a christmas gift i OVERNIGHTED to my best pal in MN Returned to me because "address did not exist" yet upon resending it, she got it two weeks later. wtf usps.

i feel your pain. They still haven't gotten my address right and i moved to Capitol Hill from VA in October. Stupid 1/2 part of apartment >:|

[Viviane]

Oh gosh that really sucks! I cannot believe they would deliver an envelope like that without anything in it, and not put a note or anything with it!
By the way, I like the new layout! :)

[Jemima]

WTF? Giving you the empty wrapped was just MEAN.

[Wickedly Scarlett]

Oh my gosh, that is ridiculous!! And those "We Care" envelopes that they deliver destroyed mail in make me so freaking angry. My friend had to send her ring to get resized, and for some reason decided to entrust it with the USPS. They freaking RAN OVER HER RING with one of their trucks and smashed it flat. I mean, what? How on earth does that happen??

I'm so sorry you'll never see your crazy cat lady present!!

[Laurel]

Maybe there was a cat roaming around the postal office who got his paws on your treat?

I am dying to know what it was!

[Laurel]

Er... I totally posted and THEN scrolled up to see that Janet already revealed what the gift was.

Lame.

[Isabel]

This probably isn't the time or the place to tell you who signs my paychecks, right?