I've seen this happen with several other bloggers in the final run-up to their weddings and I really didn't understand it. They just stopped posting! Didn't they have millions of things to tell us about?
And now here I am, doing the same thing. I have TONS to talk about. We have a honeymoon! My dress came in! I had a bridal shower! I'm still hung over from my bachelorette party! So why have I written about none of it? You guys, I have just been so. busy. No, seriously. More busy than I thought was possible. I'm doing far better on the anxiety front, but there is just so much to do and so many people to meet with that it kind of blows my mind. (It doesn't help that I also have to go to physical therapy for my stupid knee (because of the stupid car accident) twice a week.) How busy could a person possibly be, you ask? Well, let me put it to you this way. We still have five (FIVE) episodes of LOST in our Tivo. The show ended in May. Don't tell us what happened in the finale.
But there's another part of it, too. I feel like these things -- these huge, monumental once-in-a-lifetime events -- deserve a well thought-out paragraph at the very least and I just don't know how to put them into words. The silent horror of watching a Russian seamstress slash two feet of crinoline out from underneath said wedding dress with a pair of shears. The excitement of getting our marriage license and then the sinking distress of LOSING IT BETWEEN THE COURTHOUSE AND THE STARBUCKS WHERE WE MET THE MINISTER. (Joel found it. Phew.) The creeping panic that there are twenty-seven days until the wedding and the caterer isn't answering my emails.
There are so many emotions sloshing around in my brain that I don't even know where to begin. I'm still anxious about a lot of things, but that's just par for the course. I had a dream that the antique picnic basket that we bought to use at the reception for gifts and cards didn't have the aluminum lining when we got it home and I went back to the store and demanded they give me that goddamn lining. The guy tried to argue that I hadn't paid an extra fee for the aluminum lining, so I didn't get the lining. This dream ended with me yelling I WANT THAT [EXPLETIVE DELETED] LINING in an antique shop, and just think! Two days ago I had no idea that antique picnic baskets even HAD lining. I am anxious about how the final details of the wedding day timeline are going to come together, I'm anxious about missing tux measurements, I'm anxious about our two very different families meeting for the first time under such emotionally charged circumstances. Basically, anything that I can't control and track with a spreadsheet makes me anxious. But this is nothing new. It just... is.
When I'm not too busy feeling anxious, I am so happy and excited that I want to cry. I was overwhelmed this weekend at my bridal shower (which was the most lovely event I've ever been to ever) by the outpouring of generosity and love. The instructions I gave requesting a low-key, quiet bachelorette party were completely ignored, my sister in law went home with some extremely incriminating videos WHICH SHE PROMISED NOT TO SHOW MY BROTHER, and I am pretty sure I still have a hangover. Who could ask for anything more than that?
I have been thinking a lot about why I am so keyed up when I know, I KNOW, that none of these details really matter. I've concluded that the details are just taking the hit for the larger, underlying issues that go along with a wedding. I'm excited. I'm terrified. I'm ecstatic, and I'm sad. I feel like I should care about things like giving up my maiden name, but instead I cried over selling my Jetta. Things that were supposed to be hard are easy and things that weren't even on the radar are impossibly difficult. Every day I think about writing, but I struggle to find the right way to describe how I'm feeling and then it's 11pm and we haven't eaten dinner yet. I understand now why so many blogger brides go MIA. I'm not sure I can explain it, but I understand. (I won't, though. Promise.)