First of all: thank you guys for all the lovely comments about Madison. I loved how so many of you mentioned what a "sweet" cat he looked like! Oh my, he was anything but sweet. He was a very bad, very dumb cat, and we loved him for it. It's very odd having only one cat for the first time in my adult life, but we're all adjusting. Thank you.
Second of all: Hey, remember how I said I had a couple of early pregnancy posts saved in my drafts folder? Yeah, I forgot too. Until now. This one is from January 31, when I was 7.5 weeks pregnant (counting the stupid "correct" way).
OMG with the nausea. I am so very, very tired of feeling like I have to puke every minute of every damn day. Luckily ("luckily"), my particular brand of pregnancy sickness tends to be worse at night, so I can get through the workday OK most of the time. But by the time 5pm rolls around, I am just barely hanging on. I cannot wait to get home and stuff my face/lie on the couch in misery, if only home weren't so very, very far away. And by very, very far, I mean three quarters of a mile. I have the easiest commute known to man. But the thought of having to 1) stand up out of my chair 2) walk to the parking garage and 3) swing my leg over my bike to actually get ON that goddamned thing and then 4) keep the bike upright for the entire five minutes it takes me to coast home... the task seems similar to... something hard. Trying to come up with an appropriate comparison is also very hard.
When I used to get home from work, I'd immediately start in on dishes/dinner making/cleaning up with a little Gilmore Girls or Law and Order on in the background. I got a lot accomplished. Ah, those were the days. Now, it is all I can do to plod up the first set of stairs (so. much. fucking. work. with. the fucking. stairs.) before I collapse onto the couch. I have not done a dish in weeks. I have cooked maybe 2 meals out of the past 10. I had a snow day last week, and I managed to vacuum 3/4 of our 1300 square foot house and do three loads of laundry in the eight free hours I had. And that, my friends, took a lot of excited you can do it! from my inner cheerleader.
Oh, and remember how I used to be an insomniac? Now I often go upstairs before 10pm. I don't go right to sleep, but when 9:30pm rolls around, being awake and on my feet suddenly becomes much more than I can handle and I just want to be nearthe bed. In case I need it. Just lying in bed, not sleeping, is my new favorite activity. No thinking, no moving, just being in bed. It's fun, you should try it! I thought it would be a real bitch to give up my nightly dose of benadryl, which I was highly dependent upon to fall asleep. (I always liked how Tylenol PM claims to be "non habit forming." Sure, unless you like sleeping. And you can't sleep without knocking yourself out. In that case, you might want to make a habit of taking it every night!) Even though benadryl is supposed to be safe to use when pregnant, I just don't feel comfortable taking it every day. I was prepared to deal with some brutal rebound insomnia, but so far I have more trouble staying awake all day than I do falling asleep at night. In fact, mornings have been a bit easier because I've been going to sleep so much earlier than I used to. So, thanks for that, baby!
The worst thing, by far, is the nausea. Sometimes in the winter I feel so cold and miserable that I can't even remember what it was like to feel hot. Right now I can't remember what it's like to not feel like barfing. But I realize actually quite lucky here, because so far I've only actually barfed one time. And that was triggered mostly by overzealous toothbrushing, so I was positioned neatly over the sink and everything. I hate the feeling and the noise and the smell of throwing up so much that I usually start crying while I'm throwing up, and the crying makes me throw up harder and it's just really unpleasant. I am really, really happy that I have been spared the actual act of vomiting so far. But still. This sucks.
However, Joel reminded me last night that when I had a couple of good, nausea-free days I was convinced it was a "bad sign" and I actually WISHED I'd feel nauseous again. So... yay! I'm nausous again!
My nausea does not prevent me from eating, oh no. No siree. It's a very bizarre feeling to be both nauseous and ravenous at the same time. At first I'd just take a tentative bite, afraid that consuming actual food would trigger the dread vomiting. Now I'm an old pro at shoveling in the food while feeling like barfing. Sometimes the food helps! Sometimes it just makes me feel bloated. But it's all so delicious that I just don't care.
We have our first ultrasound tomorrow and I am SO excited. I know it's just going to look like a blueberry-sized tadpole blob, but it will be confirmation that there is actually a baby in there, not just 1) a blighted embryo (pregnancy hypochondria!), or 2) a figment of my imagination. I've heard so many people talk about the experience of first seeing their baby on the monitor and I just can't envision it. Will it be one of the moments I remember for the rest of my life? Will I cry? Will I finally believe in this mythical baby and stop thinking in the back of my mind that all those pregnancy tests were wrong?