Hey, so, remember this?
At the time I was kind of proud of my zen attitude. Shit happens, right? Nothing to be done now, nothing I could have done to prevent it (except for, you know, park in front of a different house). Sure, we're out a $500 deductible and this is an inconvenience, but whatever. No one got hurt and we'll survive.
Well, that was two weeks ago. Sixteen days, if you want to get specific. Apparently the entire smashed up roof needs to be replaced, and that takes a very long time. I've officially upgraded the situation from Minor Annoyance to Medium Pain in the Ass.
The lucky thing is that neither of us NEEDS a car. We can both get to work without one, there are two grocery stores within walking/biking distance. We could, theoretically, get by without a car in the city.
Theoretically. In reality, I am 8.75 months pregnant and this is starting to suck. What used to be a leisurely 20-minute walk to work for me has become a 30-minute death march. In fact, I've completely given up on walking the whole way in. I've been taking the free employee shuttle, which I used to scorn (why would I wait for a shuttle when I can just walk?). And even that system isn't really cutting it because 1) the shuttle doesn't pick me up in my living room, noooo, I still need to walk three blocks up the biggest hill known to man, and 2) the shocks on that bus leave something to be desired and as we jolt over one particular series of potholes every morning I prepare to walk directly into the hospital instead of my office to report that my water just broke.
While we don't need a car to get to work, we do need one for bigger grocery trips other errands every once in awhile. So that's become a major pain. I had to cancel a hair appointment last weekend -- a hair appointment that I scheduled months ago so that I could use a Groupon right before it expired -- because I didn't want to chance taking public transportation on the morning Hurricane Irene was supposed to hit Baltimore. The city was talking of shutting down public transportation at some point during the day and I thought it would be less than super to be stuck in the semi-ghetto, extremely pregnant, in a hurricane. Also, the public transit schedule was going to turn this haircut appointment into a half-day affair and on our last free pre-baby weekend I did not feel like spending four hours riding around on the bus. So I canceled, I'm going to lose that Groupon, and in a fit of desperation last night I returned to the salon that has butchered my hair in the past because my due date is six days away and they had an opening and they're four blocks from our house. I asked for a 2-3 inch trim and instead got a layered, 5-6 inch chop that "looks very Jackie-O" according to Joel.
But whatever, my hair has been cut. CHECK. This is, apparently, my version of nesting. I will suddenly decide that something needs to be done, and it needs to be done NOW. The dishes in the sink? They need to be done at 11pm no matter how tired I am and how much my back hurts because dudes, I could go into labor at any time and I CANNOT leave for the hospital with a sink full of dirty dishes. My long hair was driving me crazy and now it's just sort of Jackie-Oish and uneven and whatever, I'll add "bad haircut" to the list of damages when I submit the homeowner's insurance claim to the guy whose chimney fell on our car.
So, um, yes. My due date is in six days. I... don't really know how I feel about that. Sometimes I say that in my head and I start to panic. I've done OK telling myself not to worry about labor and delivery, there's no point in stressing about it, it will be OK. But now that it's NEXT WEEK (or, you know, in two weeks. Or in five minutes! Whenever the baby decides it's party time), I'm kind of scared again. But I still don't have that whole "this is really happening" feeling. I can't comprehend that at this time next week, we could very likely have a baby in our house. Hell, today could be my last day of work. Or the baby could be late and I could be in all next week. Who knows?
Not knowing when shit is going to go down makes it seem less real, I think. We've done pretty much everything we need to do to prepare, and now we just sort of wait. Every afternoon when I leave the office I copy over the entire contents of My Documents to an external hard drive so my temp replacement can access them if I don't come in the next day. The baby's room is as set up as it's going to get for the moment. I have a email with email addresses filled in saved in my drafts folder, ready to send out a birth announcement to everyone we know. And other than that, we're just sort of going about our daily lives.
In the back of my mind I keep thinking things like "the next time we see a movie in a theater, we'll need a baby sitter" and "this is the last time I'll buy toothpaste before the baby comes". All the small, monthly or weekly tasks have suddenly taken on this sort of arbitrary meaningfulness. I participated in my last staff meeting as a pregnant person. This Thursday may well be my last prenatal yoga class. The next time we go to Sam's Club, we'll have a baby with us. These are small things, but when I think about them that way -- that the next time I do them, my entire life will have changed -- they seem monumental in some way.
But other than a that, and the lingering feeling of non-belief that this is all happening, I just feel... I don't know. A little scared. Mostly in denial. Guilty that I don't feel some sort of SUPER DUPER CRAZY EXCITEMENT. I just... I don't know. It doesn't seem real.
And then I look at pictures like this one, taken at the wedding we went to this weekend, and I am not sure how much more real it can get.