Giving up the gun

Joel gently suggested that perhaps I should lay off posting about breastfeeding after my last couple of thrush posts, and I know. I know. So that's what I've been doing. By not posting at all. But now I'm back! To talk about... breastfeeding.

I had half-written several posts in my head that were going to detail our long battle against thrush. These posts all ended happily with the One Thing That Finally Worked, sort of like a Modern Girl's Guide to Beating Candida. I got myself through the really terrible days by imagining myself in the future, happily nursing my baby without a palace of pillows arranged carefully around me and a headache from gritting my teeth the whole time.

That won't be happening, because I quit breastfeeding yesterday.

SAY WUT?

Remember when I was complaining about how long breastfeeding took, and I said I hated it? That statement has been haunting me. That was when I was pain-free and everything was going fabulously. I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face. When my OB told me that I had to quit breastfeeding as soon as possible yesterday, I burst into tears. Why? Why is it such an emotional thing? As I held Hannah in my arms today and gave her a bottle, I asked myself how this was so different than nursing. (Besides, of course, the ten minutes of fighting I had to go through to get her to take the bottle. THAT'S FUN.) There's nothing but a thin t-shirt between us. She's still getting fed, and I'm not in pain. Oh, but it's so different.

SERIOUS BABY KNOWS UR NOT TAKIN BOOBS AWAY

I don't feel like this was my fault and I know for sure that I did everything (EVERYTHING) to beat it, but... I'm just heartbroken. And if my OB hadn't told me point blank that I needed to stop immediately and then called a surgery consult because she thought I needed stitches (in my nipples. Just in case that wasn't clear. Do you want me to say nipples a few more times, just to make sure my poor brother gets the mental picture?) (NIPPLES.) I'd still be trucking along, telling myself that the next thing was going to be It. The thing that finally cured me.

(I didn't get stitches. Thank you Jesus.)

In fact, I haven't quite stopped yet. I nursed Hannah yesterday because she refused the first formula I tried to give her and I had to feed her before I went to the store to get more. And then I nursed her this morning to take the edge off my rock hard boobs. And I will do so again tonight, just because I don't want to get a plugged duct or mastitis or something. And because I am possibly addicted to breastfeeding and I just cannot let go. (But I'm going to. Tomorrow!) Every time now I think "this is probably the last time." And then I cry, because, oh, I just wish things could have been different.

We tried EVERYTHING. Oral nystatin for Hannah, oral diflucan for me, diflucan for both Hannah and me, over 30 days of gentian violet, grapefruit seed extract, vinegar rinse, probiotics, yogurt, low sugar diet, sunshine, excessive laundering of everything in the house, boiling everything in the house, bleaching everything in the house. I had pretty much gotten used to washing every blanket and bib and burp cloth and outfit and towel after a single use and boiling pacifiers every day. And I could even deal with the pain, which came and went. But then, over the course of one weekend, the yeast somehow managed to eat away most of the skin on my nipples. It is easily the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life. But even that I could take, because it convinced my OB to refill my prescription and I got a matching one for Hannah and I was sure that we were finally on the right track! And so I kept going! For five more weeks.

And five weeks later, not much had changed. Instead, air moving over my boobs had become excruciating (and a key to keeping thrush at bay? Air drying after every feeding). In the meantime, the pain and stress and my constant trying to push feedings back just a few more minutes because I really just wasn't ready to go through that again caused my supply to fall way off, to the point where at Hannah's most recent checkup she'd fallen from the 5th percentile for weight right off the chart. Still, I thought we'd be OK. I started taking a shitload of fenugreek to boost my supply back up and I started feeding her every two hours on the dot. I figured we'd supplement with formula if we needed to, and I made another appointment with my OB, hoping she would increase my dose of diflucan or put me on something else or do... something.

She did do something. She took one look at my boobs and told me that I needed to stop.

When people asked me if I planned to breastfeed (and let me tell you, a LOT of people ask a pregnant lady if she's going to breastfeed, from doctors who are doing their job to strangers on the street who don't know how to mind their own damn business), I always said I was planning to try. I knew that a lot of people tried and couldn't (my own mother being one of them), and I thought that was totally understandable and OK. I always intended to try my best and accept it if things didn't work out. But apparently I am not very good at that last part. "It's OK, maybe we can try again in a few months," Joel comforted me yesterday. Noooot exactly, I explained. I think it's that finality, the knowledge that once I wean her for real that is it, no going back and trying one last thing, that is really getting to me.

I know we'll be OK. This is not the end of the world. I have a happy, healthy baby and everything is going to be fine. But you'll pardon me if I just have one more little cry about it, and then I have to go try to convince Joel that we should have another baby right now so I can have a breastfeeding do-over.

(Kidding! Mostly.)

Comments

[Navigating the Mothership]

We emailed a few months back about thrush stuff, at the time I thought my son and I had won the battle. (Sadly, that is no longer the case.)

I wanted to let you know that I'm so sorry that the thrush caused such horrible nipple trauma - that sounds truly awful. Your effort and persistence was/is AMAZING. The battle against thrush is so overwhelming and complex and unclear. Ugh. It's hard to walk away when you have put so much time and effort into it, you know? But it sounds like life will be far more pleasant for you once you've healed and don't have to vinegar the entire house all day everyday.

I have actually started seeing a therapist from the stress - much of it thrush related. Or thrush treatment step related. I'm currently working off a two-page spreadsheet to keep track of all the steps. Guessing you understand :)

When I talked to a lactation consultant today she asked me if I thought about weaning (son is nearly 7 months). At first I thought this was going to be a "Must persevere through all pain!" sort of talk, but it turns out she was actually suggesting it as an option given how challenging life with thrush can be.

A lactation consultant was basically telling me to considering weaning - I think that makes it pretty clear just how hard it is to beat. And if this last ditch mega effort (doing every step and supplement and medication possible) doesn't work, weaning will be next.

Anyway, be proud of what you did and hopefully as the days will pass you will find you are healing in all the ways you need to and can just ENJOY feeding your girl.

[Lisa]

oh, I'm so sorry. That sucks on so many levels. You tried so hard and persevered long past when other people would have given up. I hope that you both get better soon.

As for a do-over, my first child self-weaned at 8 months after a rocky start with bf-ing (we just never got it right, and at 5 months the pediatrician told me to switch to formula bc he was losing weight, and I did but still continued to bf, which my kid just wanted no part of). The next two kids both nursed until they were 2, and my youngest is STILL obsessed with my bosoms, nearly 8 months past weaning. Do-overs are possible.

I hope your boobs heal straight away. And do something nice for yourself for being such a good mom.

[Jocelyn]

Congrats for trying! Damn, that was a lot to deal with, you are amazing for going as long as you did. You. Are. Awesome!

[Janet]

Oh, Jennifer, I can totally hear the stress and sadness in your voice. I am so sorry. Wish I could give you a big hug. I'm sorry that despite your hard work and persistence it just didn't get better. I know you know you aren't a failure (and blahblahblah) but I'm sure it still sucks.

Hoping for better days ahead. The good news is Hannah is ridiculously adorable :)

[Liz]

I second what Janet said! Also, I hope you still write at least one more post about breast-feeding. In a few months, after the emotions have subsided, I hope you revisit this and (hopefully) say something along the lines of "why didn't I stop sooner?!"

I have no disillusions about breastfeeding. I'll try it, but I'm already mentally preparing myself for it to not go as planned. And I think I'm okay with that.

[-R-]

It's especially hard because hormones are all tied up in breastfeeding. I am sorry that you worked so freaking hard, and breastfeeding still didn't work. I hope you heal quickly.

I tried but couldn't breastfeed Ren, but it totally worked with Ree. So there's hope it will be much better if you have more children.

E-mail me any time you want to talk!

[-R-]

Also, Hannah is super cute! I really love that I heart NJ onesie too.

[RA]

Oh, man. I'm sorry it was such a struggle.

BUT I love love love seeing Hannah in her NJ/VT onesie! Those pictures warm my stone-cold heart.

[Mary]

Cry away, my friend, cry away. I think I would probably agree with your doctor after reading everything you just wrote, but I would feel exactly the same way if it had been me. It is oh so different and I think it's more than okay to feel sad and disappointed. Feel it, grieve it, and then move on knowing you gave it your best shot and now that it's over you can enjoy your daughter that much more without the stress and pain of thrush.

[heidikins]

Oh honey, sending lots of hugs your way. I wish I knew what else to say, but I don't. So I'm sending hugs. Really gentle ones, that don't hurt your boobies.

xox

[Mary Frances]

I'm so sorry about this, OPH. Breastfeeding is such an emotional process, and I know that this is a loss. Good luck while you navigate through the coming days...I know it'll be hard. But, as you so wisely say, it will all be ok. Hannah will continue to be a happy, healthy (and oh-my-goodness SO adorable!) baby, and you will be able to feel your nipples again. Hooray! But still...I'll be thinking of you.

[Joke]

You did amazing with the work you did put into breastfeeding, Jen!

Looking back - can you pinpoint what happened? (read in a panicked me voice: how do I make sure I do not get attacked by THURSH FROM HELL with my baby???)

[Janssen]

I seriously am in awe that you did it for as long as you did. I would have probably given up after three minutes.

Also, I see on Twitter that napping has improved. Woot! Ten points for formula.

[Frema]

You and I talked on Twitter, but I wanted to say here that you did an amazing job with breastfeeding - AMAZING - and that Hannah is lucky to have such a dedicated mother. That dedication will manifest itself in lots of different ways as she grows up. You rock, my friend. Much love.

Also - I still have recurring yeast infections around my c-section incision (damn tire gut), so I blow dry that sucker every time I shower. Every. Time.

[stephanie]

Hahaha! I said all the same things before trying the boobs. It wont be a big deal if it doesn't work. Yada yada yada. Yeah. So many more emotions than just stopping. It made me feel like I was giving up on taking care of my child. That is my job! I am suppose to be the one taking care of him. Oh good lord. It was so hard, in my head, to be useless. Or to have stupid fat sacs on the front of my chest that were good for nothing.

Hug hug hug. And sorry about the hard boobiez.

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

Awwww sweetie... that is horrible. Horrible. I'm so sorry you have been going through this AWFULNESS and that it led to such an emotional decision. Many hugs.

[Sarah]

Oh, Jen, look at that baby. You made her! She is perfect. I can't believe you did all of EVERYTHING and you're still at this point. It's bullshit. It's not fair. I'm sorry and I can only imagine how hard it's gotta be. I struggled with giving up breastfeeding and I didn't go through near the amount of stuff you did so it's got to be terrible. I hope your boobs heal quickly--they owe you!

Wish we were closer and could be mom friends!

[Angela Noelle]

I'm coming from a very different place than you as I'm not a mother, but I watch a ton of babies who are formula fed, and when I see the freedom that their mothers have, I'm awfully seduced by the lure of formula feeding. I've never been particularly interested in breast feeding, I know I'll try it, but I've never judged anyone for how they feed their baby, and I think you have certainly done EVERYTHING in your power to make this work. I can hear how heartbreaking this is for you, and that makes me so, so sad for you. I hope that the weaning process goes smoothly for you all. That Hannah is just absolutely gorgeous. xoxo

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I know I'm way late in commenting over here, but I think about you and your boobs every day. Wait. That came out wrong. But you know what I mean. I hope. ANYWAY, I'm really sorry for all of the bullshit that damn thrush put you through, and now to have to give up breastfeeding before you're ready...that just really sucks. And I'm sorry. I hope you're healing, both physically and emotionally.

p.s. Hannah looks totally adorable in RA's onesie!

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