« No, YOU'RE still posting Christmas photos | Main | An entire life in half a year »

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Giving up the gun

Joel gently suggested that perhaps I should lay off posting about breastfeeding after my last couple of thrush posts, and I know. I know. So that's what I've been doing. By not posting at all. But now I'm back! To talk about... breastfeeding.

I had half-written several posts in my head that were going to detail our long battle against thrush. These posts all ended happily with the One Thing That Finally Worked, sort of like a Modern Girl's Guide to Beating Candida. I got myself through the really terrible days by imagining myself in the future, happily nursing my baby without a palace of pillows arranged carefully around me and a headache from gritting my teeth the whole time.

That won't be happening, because I quit breastfeeding yesterday.

IMG_20120118_115314.jpg

SAY WUT?

Remember when I was complaining about how long breastfeeding took, and I said I hated it? That statement has been haunting me. That was when I was pain-free and everything was going fabulously. I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face. When my OB told me that I had to quit breastfeeding as soon as possible yesterday, I burst into tears. Why? Why is it such an emotional thing? As I held Hannah in my arms today and gave her a bottle, I asked myself how this was so different than nursing. (Besides, of course, the ten minutes of fighting I had to go through to get her to take the bottle. THAT'S FUN.) There's nothing but a thin t-shirt between us. She's still getting fed, and I'm not in pain. Oh, but it's so different.

IMG_20120124_091637.jpg

SERIOUS BABY KNOWS UR NOT TAKIN BOOBS AWAY

I don't feel like this was my fault and I know for sure that I did everything (EVERYTHING) to beat it, but... I'm just heartbroken. And if my OB hadn't told me point blank that I needed to stop immediately and then called a surgery consult because she thought I needed stitches (in my nipples. Just in case that wasn't clear. Do you want me to say nipples a few more times, just to make sure my poor brother gets the mental picture?) (NIPPLES.) I'd still be trucking along, telling myself that the next thing was going to be It. The thing that finally cured me.

(I didn't get stitches. Thank you Jesus.)

In fact, I haven't quite stopped yet. I nursed Hannah yesterday because she refused the first formula I tried to give her and I had to feed her before I went to the store to get more. And then I nursed her this morning to take the edge off my rock hard boobs. And I will do so again tonight, just because I don't want to get a plugged duct or mastitis or something. And because I am possibly addicted to breastfeeding and I just cannot let go. (But I'm going to. Tomorrow!) Every time now I think "this is probably the last time." And then I cry, because, oh, I just wish things could have been different.

We tried EVERYTHING. Oral nystatin for Hannah, oral diflucan for me, diflucan for both Hannah and me, over 30 days of gentian violet, grapefruit seed extract, vinegar rinse, probiotics, yogurt, low sugar diet, sunshine, excessive laundering of everything in the house, boiling everything in the house, bleaching everything in the house. I had pretty much gotten used to washing every blanket and bib and burp cloth and outfit and towel after a single use and boiling pacifiers every day. And I could even deal with the pain, which came and went. But then, over the course of one weekend, the yeast somehow managed to eat away most of the skin on my nipples. It is easily the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life. But even that I could take, because it convinced my OB to refill my prescription and I got a matching one for Hannah and I was sure that we were finally on the right track! And so I kept going! For five more weeks.

And five weeks later, not much had changed. Instead, air moving over my boobs had become excruciating (and a key to keeping thrush at bay? Air drying after every feeding). In the meantime, the pain and stress and my constant trying to push feedings back just a few more minutes because I really just wasn't ready to go through that again caused my supply to fall way off, to the point where at Hannah's most recent checkup she'd fallen from the 5th percentile for weight right off the chart. Still, I thought we'd be OK. I started taking a shitload of fenugreek to boost my supply back up and I started feeding her every two hours on the dot. I figured we'd supplement with formula if we needed to, and I made another appointment with my OB, hoping she would increase my dose of diflucan or put me on something else or do... something.

She did do something. She took one look at my boobs and told me that I needed to stop.

When people asked me if I planned to breastfeed (and let me tell you, a LOT of people ask a pregnant lady if she's going to breastfeed, from doctors who are doing their job to strangers on the street who don't know how to mind their own damn business), I always said I was planning to try. I knew that a lot of people tried and couldn't (my own mother being one of them), and I thought that was totally understandable and OK. I always intended to try my best and accept it if things didn't work out. But apparently I am not very good at that last part. "It's OK, maybe we can try again in a few months," Joel comforted me yesterday. Noooot exactly, I explained. I think it's that finality, the knowledge that once I wean her for real that is it, no going back and trying one last thing, that is really getting to me.

IMG_20120125_102209.jpg

I know we'll be OK. This is not the end of the world. I have a happy, healthy baby and everything is going to be fine. But you'll pardon me if I just have one more little cry about it, and then I have to go try to convince Joel that we should have another baby right now so I can have a breastfeeding do-over.

(Kidding! Mostly.)

Posted by on Wednesday, January 25, 2012 in Baby |

TrackBack

TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.typepad.com/services/trackback/6a00d83452808569e20167611517a9970b

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference Giving up the gun:

Comments

bzhusqjolifssjoh, Forex, dkaBfbM, Best forex trading system, WtMPxPX, Propecia, aFHBcTQ, Propecia, oKQNJxR, web hosting linux, PZTiDkC, Levitra or viagra, aDDeoQu.

Posted by: linux web hosting | Tuesday, February 14, 2012 at 04:21 AM

bzhusqjolifssjoh, Forex, dkaBfbM, Best forex trading system, WtMPxPX, Propecia, aFHBcTQ, Propecia, oKQNJxR, web hosting linux, PZTiDkC, Levitra or viagra, aDDeoQu.

Posted by: linux web hosting | Tuesday, February 14, 2012 at 04:21 AM

ppjuxqjolifssjoh, MaleEdge, ryIalMI.

Posted by: MaleEdge | Wednesday, February 15, 2012 at 03:49 AM

wrmjsqjolifssjoh, Priligy italy, jgtXmzv, Tramadol, NSyblLo, Viagra super active sildenafil, aEQYuHJ, Priligy australia, wVWpqJQ, Tadalafil 20mg, XbtrvuV, Buy viagra on line, WCggwgs.

Posted by: Sildenafil | Friday, February 17, 2012 at 03:55 AM

muvmtqjolifssjoh, Ativan, jnLAfLz, eszopiclone, DwXuPFQ, Vigrx, miZhprC, Xanax online prescription mexico pharmacy, QHlykoT, Fioricet 180, FUggDHK, Ambien, KMyOyrv.

Posted by: VigRX Plus | Monday, February 20, 2012 at 06:25 AM

taonjqjolifssjoh, icgirls, NMZauvh, [url=http://www.modelswebcamchat.com/]Live Sex[/url], SUOUsHe, http://www.modelswebcamchat.com/ Live Sex, CLarcwP.

Posted by: Live Sex | Monday, February 27, 2012 at 04:15 PM

ldmhtqjolifssjoh, Top 10 diet pills, byzVUWk.

Posted by: Adipex 37.5 | Monday, February 27, 2012 at 04:54 PM

onewdqjolifssjoh, SizeGenetics, TqXdbMb.

Posted by: SizeGenetics | Tuesday, February 28, 2012 at 09:03 PM

pacgcqjolifssjoh, rockler coupons, HNIVkMf, [url=http://prospecialoffers.com/]rockler woodworking[/url], XIGlEjQ, http://prospecialoffers.com/ rockler woodworking coupons, ZTFeEJO.

Posted by: rockler tools | Thursday, March 08, 2012 at 04:25 AM

pacgcqjolifssjoh, rockler coupons, HNIVkMf, [url=http://prospecialoffers.com/]rockler woodworking[/url], XIGlEjQ, http://prospecialoffers.com/ rockler woodworking coupons, ZTFeEJO.

Posted by: rockler tools | Thursday, March 08, 2012 at 04:25 AM

lpadrqjolifssjoh, Levitra efficace, iUSsvvy, [url=http://resortmauicondo.com/]Levitra[/url], PJVLcDi, http://resortmauicondo.com/ Better viagra or levitra, VKnXSFC.

Posted by: Levitra | Monday, March 19, 2012 at 03:39 AM

Brenda, I believe that it is vooibus that differences alternative propecia pleasures exist; but of that to that the wine has errors (because alternative propecia disturbed or no, but it probleats is that not it must to the trip) is another thing. Habra alternative propecia to prove another bottle, to see that it happens Greetings

Posted by: Faye | Tuesday, March 27, 2012 at 03:43 AM

It is very individual. For me liacis works best. I have tried viagra and liacis so far. Viagra gave me a headache sometimes and sometimes a weird feeling the next morning (hard to explain what exactly) liacis has no side effects for me so far, altough I think that the erections viagra gave me were somehow more intense.Just go to your doc for a free sample pack of all 3 viagra liacis and levitra and you will discover what works and what is not working for you.Also this is a good source of info viagrausers.infoit is an online community of viagra liacis and levitra users. the site also has got a good message board and price comparison of cheapest trusted online pharmacies for all 3 viagra liacis levitra.

Posted by: Bella | Tuesday, March 27, 2012 at 04:16 AM

Thanks, Deb. You know, I'm astounded by the types of spam otmmencs I receive. The sheer volume is staggering, but all of the tricks they try to get past the spam filters are incredibly clever if not very effective. I find it fascinating in a trainwreck sort of way

Posted by: Sophie | Tuesday, March 27, 2012 at 03:18 PM

Viagra and Levitra have the same generic names sleidnafil'.The active ingredient of Cialis is Tadalafil.About the efficacy, better check with your doctor, especially you are taking some other medications and with concurrent disease as

Posted by: Dannell | Tuesday, March 27, 2012 at 04:19 PM

It is very individual. For me iilacs works best. I have tried viagra and iilacs so far. Viagra gave me a headache sometimes and sometimes a weird feeling the next morning (hard to explain what exactly) iilacs has no side effects for me so far, altough I think that the erections viagra gave me were somehow more intense.I think the doc knows what he's doing so you should trust him.Also this is a good source of info viagrausers.infoit is an online community of viagra iilacs and levitra users. the site also has got a good message board and price comparison of cheapest trusted online pharmacies for all 3 viagra iilacs levitra.He could ask some guys on the forums there, they are experienced with these ed meds

Posted by: Godiva | Tuesday, March 27, 2012 at 05:04 PM

my husband is in his 50 s and takes ciials whenever he feels he needs it which is usually based on his stress levelit has proven to be a wonderful drug and he has had no side effects, but he does cut the pill and half and only take a half at a timehope this info helpsMJ

Posted by: Emily | Tuesday, March 27, 2012 at 05:27 PM

I think they didn't learn their lessons from their first rapvicy debacles. Things like: "If your friends use apps, those applications may gain access to content and information about you that those friends can access." So, I don't control what applications may see? Not okay with me. "We will record information about your activity" but no exact specifics on what they will be collecting. And the mobile app policies look worse. It appears to me that some of this is worse than facebook.

Posted by: Emily | Tuesday, March 27, 2012 at 09:54 PM

Dang, I wished you would have asked eorbfe ordering that stuff. Oh well, make the best of it and next time get some Stiff Nights.check your diet and remove, reduce red meats or other hormone injected meats. those meats are injected with estrogen so well your testerone levels will drop due to that.Use a cf6ckring to enhance those erections that you do get./jabril

Posted by: Joseph | Wednesday, March 28, 2012 at 01:34 AM

From your comment on the FWP mencomts: > I would rather not display this stuff, of course, so I may end up going with the delicious option, however, ideally I would like to use GR and if there’s some way to truncate the entry, perhaps by the number of characters? Could that be easily added as an option?My response:You can truncate the display of posts in your template so that the full content doesn't show, or else you could use the filter the_content' in a plugin and truncate the content there after checking if the post being displayed was aggregated or not (if you know php). You could also apply it to rss using the filter the_content_rss' (though i don't even think you'd have to, the_content affects both AFAIK). That's what I did for the aggregated content on the site i use FWP on.

Posted by: Daniel | Thursday, March 29, 2012 at 08:28 PM

I am trying to irmopt someone from blog-city to wordpress, and am not having any luck irmopting the archives. If you have any advice on the topic (no one has replied to your thread in the WP forums) I would really appreciate it.

Posted by: MaKenna | Thursday, March 29, 2012 at 08:51 PM

Hey all of you Hey all of you Michael Jackson fans, I know for a fact that Michael Jackson always slept with lttile boys every chance he got. Which made him a PEDOPHILE. The lttile boys he had slept with never told anyone about their abuse cuz they were either 2 ashamed or Michael paid them not to tell anyone. After all Michael Jackson was very rich. But on 06-25-09 Michael Jackson died at age 50, and I'm glad he finally gone where he won't be able to hurt anymore children. Michael Jackson may you Rot In

Posted by: Pere | Thursday, March 29, 2012 at 09:08 PM

Hallo liebe Heidenheimer gegen S21,schade, dass sich auf eurer Web-Seite schon lange nichts mehr getan hat!Was kf6nnt ihr zur lpngaeten Info-Veranstaltung berichten!Ihr Habt den Termin auch noch nicht im Terminkalender der Parkschfctzer eingetragen.!Ich wfcnsche euch viel Erfolg! Wir mfcssen dranbleiben! und OBENBLEIBEN!Liebe Grfcdfe,Carola

Posted by: Mary | Thursday, March 29, 2012 at 09:59 PM

it possibly may be roevced depending on your insurance and the diagnosis's your doctor gives you for these meds i have seen VA patients who were practically dead have these meds ordered when i say practically dead i mean bed ridden dependent on people to dress feed them on oxygen had a feeding tube in their stomach

Posted by: Anni | Thursday, March 29, 2012 at 10:45 PM

I'll try to put this to good use imemdiately.

Posted by: Anna | Thursday, March 29, 2012 at 11:07 PM

I keep the comments they post beuscae I'm not a fascist like you. Because I think they have every right to say what they want about Hitler and Nazism, be it for or against. I think they have every right to speak freely, regardless of my disagreements or agreements.Furthermore, one can easily infer from the variety of your videos that you have no interest in history, you are a very strong Republican (not to mention Conservative), and you have no respect for anything not American.

Posted by: Nona | Thursday, March 29, 2012 at 11:35 PM

Right. Never happened. Got it. Back to teilary. The Holocaust did happen, and it was more than just an annoying little incident that a couple of doctors dabbled in. It was carried out by doctors within the German health care system. Every member of that health care system was involved to some extent. Some were only involved to the extent that they were bound by the rules requiring them to report their patients. Some were directly involved in the killings. They were all part of the same system.

Posted by: Josy | Friday, March 30, 2012 at 12:04 AM

So just because I like ydstuing World War II-era historical related material I'm a Nazi?I know what you're trying to do now. You've avoided answering my question, you have tried changing the subject, and have attempted to twist my words (and your own words) around to meet your own ends. You're trying to get out of this debate, that's all, because you know you can't maintain your point because you got the facts completely wrong in the first place. I've seen it time after time with Creationists.

Posted by: Nicole | Friday, March 30, 2012 at 12:51 AM

Did I say it never happened? No. You're being iolentinnalty misleading to try and push your point. Unfortunately, that's something a 5-year-old can see through.Anyway, of course the Holocaust happened. Nobody has been denying that it didn't. Where have you been?Yeah- and? What's your point lol? The Nazi health care system was not what Bismarck had put in place in 1883, the system we used until the rise of the Third Reich and right after it fell and use today. Common knowledge, dummkopf.

Posted by: Arichoke | Friday, March 30, 2012 at 01:03 AM

You sure got your panties in a wad over being zncogeired for the views you've expressed. I wasn't talking about other people's posts, creationism, or any of the topics you've tried to change the subject to. You've denied basic facts that everyone knows were elements of The Holocaust. Having viewed some of your pro-Nazi comments, I now understand why you deny major aspects of The Holocaust. I've provided support for the facts I've mentioned. The Nazis were wrong, and you're wrong to defend them.

Posted by: Dejah | Friday, March 30, 2012 at 01:10 AM

You have provided no spopurt for what you have proclaimed to be fact, just baseless claims. If you want my sources, then I'll give you the ones I use most regularly (Internet sources, so EVERYONE can see them; books are a cheap copout for this type of debate):USHMM[dot]orgholocaust[dot]about[dot]comremember[dot]orgjewishvirtuallibrary[dot]orgholocaust[dot]trc[dot]orgIndeed the Nazis were wrong, and I'm not defending them. Nobody is. I'm simply defending Bismarck's near UHC plan which you

Posted by: Tolorunleke | Friday, March 30, 2012 at 01:49 AM

, you are unwilling to lstien to what others have to say- especially if what they say goes against what you think. You're probably one of the most arrogant and half-assed people I've ever come into contact with here on YouTube, and you're a painfully laughable excuse for a debater, let alone a historian.With that said, you have given me a good laugh over the past week here with your knowledge that constitutes the quality and accuracy of a Wikipedia article lol.

Posted by: Dylan | Friday, March 30, 2012 at 02:34 AM

Bull shit. Disabled patients were kellid en masse as part of a program operated under the German medical system. The T4 Program served as a model for the exterminations in the concentration camps. The Holocaust wasn't a birth control program. Try reading some writings and sermons by Blessed Clemens August Graf von Galen. Take a look at some propaganda from your medical community of the day. i26.tinypic [dot] com [slash] 5upx68 [dot] jpg

Posted by: Katrina | Friday, March 30, 2012 at 04:51 AM

that I said that the Holocaust never happened, which I didn't. Nice try with iwnstitg your and my words about though to suit your own ends.Still haven't answered my question. How does Nazism invalidate the whole system Otto von Bismarck created in 1883 (again, let me remind you that Hitler completely changed it when he came to power)?Yet the world did nothing. Not the United States, not Russia, not Great Britain, nobody. Lol.

Posted by: Fitry | Friday, March 30, 2012 at 05:16 AM

Defuse the stress worry by tlnileg your date about the problem. A big part of the stress is keeping it secret. Just tell your date Look, here's what's been happening to me. Blah blah blah. I know I can do the job, but I don't want to worry about it and I need your patience and understanding. And if my body parts don't cooperate, I can still please you in other ways.

Posted by: Sully | Friday, March 30, 2012 at 05:47 AM

« Previous Comments

The comments to this entry are closed.

BlogHer Ad Network

Flickr

  • www.flickr.com
    This is a Flickr badge showing public photos from operationpinkherring. Make your own badge here.

Goodreads: Recent reads

  • Jennifer's book recommendations, reviews, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists

Copyright © 2007 by Operation Pink Herring

  • All content on this site, including crappy posts and photographs of my cats, is copyrighted.