Operation Pink Herring

Tivo update

A few weeks ago Laurie commented about the fact that my little "In my Tivo" sidebar item was still proclaiming that I had an "impossible backlog" of shows to watch.  Yeah, that's a lie.  So I figured it might be time for an In my Tivo update.

For the time being (until all the writers catch up and start putting new shows back on NOW PLEASE), this is our paltry TV lineup:

Monday: One Tree Hill (I'm not even ashamed to admit that I CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF MAH PRIMETIME SOAPS); New Amsterdam (Joel likes it, I love the concept but find the show sort of meh)

Tuesday: NCIS (I still don't understand how the whole world thinks CSI is soooo awesome and this show gets ignored!)

Wednesday: Girlicious.  Enough said.

Thursday: Lost (although we are currently three episodes behind, because I forgot to record it the week that Joel was away on Spring break, and uh... watching it on the internet is hard when you have dial up.  Halp!); Smallville (for the record, I am so over Lana that I almost can't watch this anymore, and if the CW cancels Supernatural (LOVE) and keeps Smallville for a billionth season...well, I am going to be pissed.  And I know the CW doesn't want that.  RIGHT?)

Friday: BATTLESTAR GALLACTICA.

I feel that this last item deserves a whole entry of its own, because OMG.  Did you know that BSG is like, the best show ever?   I can't believe I just typed that either, but there it is.  I am officially and completely converted.  I still find "frack" annoying, but I'm willing to look past it because OMG STARBUCK IS BACK.   Or is she really a Cylon?   THE SUSPENSE.

And while we're on the topic of sidebar items, maybe you've noticed that I now have a big spankin' BlogHer Ads section.  I'm not really expecting to make any money off this here blog, but I figured that if someone is willing to pay me any amount for doing something I'm already doing for free... well, why not give it a try?  So, if you're philosophically and morally opposed to blog advertising... just pretend that's not there.  I switched to a three-column design to accommodate the adspace without pushing the rest of my sidebar down too far, but I've already gotten one complaint (from Joel) that the new format is "too skinny".   I am assuming that, like me, most of you use a feed reader and probably don't even notice when a blog's design changes.  But let me know what you think of the format or if you  have any suggestions.  I am wondering if any of you more savvy web people know if it's possible to modify the template so that there's not so much unused space on both sides of the page -- and if so, can you tell me how?    Do you just not care at all, since you never leave your feed reader (again, like me)?  Speak now or forever hold your peace.

(Except, not really, because forever = until whenever I next change the template)

That's 35 episodes of L&O. I counted.

We did the second dose of roundworm medicine on Wednesday night (Christmas is over, time for torture!) and it went better than the first time, if only slightly.   Although the vet assured me that this medicine doesn't taste bad, Max and Henry begged to differ, spitting all over the place and running off after I shot it in their mouths.  Maybe they just don't like being force-fed yellow goop, or maybe it really does taste awful.  We'll never know.  I am confident that enough got down their little throats to be effective, and that's all that matters.  Max grudgingly accepted the treats that I placed in front of his post-medicine hiding spot and Henry spent the night sleeping on my bladder, so I think they both forgive me.

We had a new strategy to try with Madison this time: quick and dirty.  The plan was for Joel to throw a blanket over Mads, hoist him onto the counter, I'd pry open his mouth and squirt the medicine in, and then we'd both run for cover.  I wanted the entire operation to last no more than fifteen seconds, therefore keeping the element of surprise on our side.

It worked, mostly.  Blankets were thrown, medicine was squirted, but much of it was spit back out by one angry and surprised fluffy-cat. I grabbed the back-up syringe, and most of that seemed to actually go down his throat.   I think that in the end he consumed at least a full dose of the medicine, with about the same amount being spit all over the floor, the blanket, and Madison's face.  Mission: Accomplished.   And on top of that, Madison had no problem with my thoroughly scrubbing his face with a washcloth afterward to remove all the spit out goop before it crusted into his fur.   Taking flavorless medicine = HELLZ NO, but having his face wiped again and again with a wet washcloth until he resembled a drowned rat = NO PROBLEMO.   Go figure.  At least this means that he won't have to step into my Little Barbershop of Horrors again.  Mission: Double Accomplished.  Phew. 

Now we just need to wait a week and re-test to  make sure that everyone is truly worm-free.   Cross all your fingers and toes, please. 

Speaking of worms and other disgusting things, is anyone else still watching Man vs. Wild?  I used to love, love, LUUUURVE this show.  I subscribed to Bear's blog, I eagerly awaited each new episode, and I felt inspired after watching Mr. Grylls brave new and treacherous climates.   But then that whole scandal happened, and my heart was sort of broken.  I mean, I know it's TV and TV isn't real, and there was undoubtedly some serious editing going on to put together the polished hour-long journeys, but planting tame horses and pretending they're wild mustangs?   Having rafts pre-assembled by experts and then pretending that Bear constructed them with his bare hands?   "Chancing upon" poisonous snakes that had been trapped and released directly in Bear's path?  That is too much.  I felt deceived, cheated on, and hurt.   That's right, Bear Grylls.  You hurt me. Personally.  And I'm not sure I can forgive you.

The new format of the show that they've adopted in response to this scandal is just, what's the word I'm looking for here?  BORING.  Bear jaunts from task to task with no coherent segue in between.  With the old format he had a purpose: to either find a way out of the wilderness or to simply survive for a set amount of time if getting out was truly impossible.  Now, there's no point.  When he's done showing us how to climb out of a crevasse (which he jumped into on purpose), he just goes off puma hunting with a native (and then suddenly gives up the moment they're "really close").  After he show us how to kill a poisonous snake (which they are now careful to note has been placed there specifically for the show), we go straight to cutting open a camel carcass.   There's no flow, and it's painfully obvious that any continuity seen in the previous seasons was totally fabricated through creative editing and staged situations.

Instead of being an impressive show about surviving under dire circumstances, it seems that Man vs. Wild has morphed into Fear Factor starring Bear Grylls.  The "special episode" that Joel and I watched last night, titled "Bear Eats" confirmed the transition for me: an entire hour dedicated to Bear eating sheep eyeballs and drinking the water from elephant poop is hardly something I'm interested in.  I didn't mind those parts of the show when eating unpleasant things was simply a means to survival, but more and more it seems to be the focus of the show.  And if we're admitting that this is all planned, staged, and supported by an entire film crew, then why is it necessary for the star to actually eat live snakes on camera?  If that's what the show is going to revolve around from now on, then I'm simply not interested.

Unfortunately, with the writer's strike still in fully swing, THERE IS NOTHING ELSE TO WATCH.  Can't we all just reach a settlement so I can go back to enjoying the shows that didn't pretend to be real?  Moonlight, how I miss you.  A poorly scripted, terribly acted show with plot holes the size of the Grand Canyon would be so much better than watching Bear Grylls eat another beetle.   

But at least we have this to look forward to: A Law and Order marathon on TNT beginning at noon on New Year's Eve and ending at 10pm New Years Day.  Maybe there is a Santa Claus after all.   

 

Long Live and Prosper

When I first heard about the TV strike, I was all "whatever.  How long can that last?  We peoples need love our TV, they will find a way to work it out."  I was even a bit relieved, because dudes.  The fall lineup was killing me. 

So, the strike happened.  We caught up on everything in the Tivo cache.  The strike continued.  I watched all of Seasons 1 and 2 of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia on DVD.  The strike continued.  I cleaned my house, did all the laundry, made a new lasagna recipe, organized the litterbox room office, cleaned the house again, SCRUBBED THE OVEN.  The strike continued.

And so when Joel set the Tivo to record Tin Man, a SciFi Channel miniseries about the Wizard of Oz, I did not even protest.  I mean, what else am I going to do?   I've already cleaned out the fridge and sanitized the carpets.  Bring it on.  Sigh.

Here's the surprising part: I am sort of in love with it.  I think that this officially makes me a sci-fi geek, if you also take into account that a few months ago Joel started watching this strange movie called Highlander, which apparently everyone in the world (except for me!) heard about in 1991.  I made fun of him, made fun of the Highlander's very badass coat, made fun of science fiction in general... and then Joel went to bed and I said, "um.... I'll be up soon. I just have to finish this, uh, very important thing I am doing here on the computer.  It might take awhile.  Oh, no, leave the TV on...you know, just for background noise."  Also, I am still watching Moonlight, GOD KNOWS WHY, since it is painfully, horribly bad.  I just can't quit you, Mick St. John.

Also, I might sorta kinda love like Battlestar Galactica now.  "Frack" still annoys the living shit out of me, but the show... it is sort of awesome good.

So, Tin Man.  Anyone else watching?  I haven't seen Episode Three yet, so no spoilers.  We have to ration this last part out for at least three nights, otherwise we might actually have to turn off the TV and, like, talk to each other or something.

Just for the record, I still think Star Trek is boring.

Warning: Do not troll IMDB.com after drinking

I have a Very Important Question for all of you out there who watched Gilmore Girls from the beginning.  As opposed to me, who got addicted to reruns at the gym, and although I think I've seen every single episode, I did miss some of the more subtle nuances.

So, I know that Jess was the son of Luke's flaky sister.  IMDB says he is the son of Luke's sister "Liz".

Isn't Liz the Renaissance Festival hippie weirdo?  Married to wannabe-contractor-knocked-a-hole-in-Lorelei's-bedroom-TJ? 

I have a hard time reconciling the Liz I know (happy hippie, who has a baby in the later seasons, right??) with someone capable of raising Jess to be such an angsty teenager.  Plus, I thought Jess' mom lived in Florida, although I always thought that was weird, since Jess seemed to "be from" NYC.

I am going crazy over this.

(PS - Yes, it is Friday night again, and I'm a little tipsy, again, in Chicago, again, and I have to get up tomorrow morning at 5am, again.  It's like fucking Groundhog Day over here.)

Don't judge me because I watch a lot of TV

So, Fall TV.  Where to even begin?

We had several old favorites from last year in the Tivo Season Pass Manager, and I proposed that we adopt a "No New Shows" policy for the fall.  Read my lips, no new shows!  Yeah, that didn't work any better than "no new taxes".  Joel added a bunch of shows "just to see if they're any good" and somehow we have now added hours of extra TV to the weekly schedule. 

And we are woefully behind.  The fact that Joel goes to bed at 10 (or shortly thereafter) and that I have been gone almost every weekend this past month hasn't helped.  Anyway, here's what we'll be watching when we find the time to devote to worshiping the DVR gods:

Monday

Prison Break: I'll be the first to admit that Prison Break is getting a little ridiculous.  Season 1, break out of prison.  Season 2: On the lam.  Season 3: Break out of a different prison!  But, hey, it's TV.  Whatever.  Michael Schofield is still smokin' hot, and I'm still finding it entertaining.

Heroes: I know a lot of people have lost interest, but I am still hooked on Heroes.  I am a mainstream sci-fi geek at heart.  You won't exactly catch me watching Star Trek, but almost all of my favorite books and TV shows have some magical or sci-fi element to them, and Heroes is no exception.  I really thought that it was going to turn out that Hiro actually WAS Takezo Kinsei, and honestly, would it not been a lot cooler than him just helping the real Kinsei find his inner hero?   Peter Petrelli's identity-in-a-box annoys me (but I'll always love you, Jess Mariano), Clare's toe-chopping grossed me out, but I'm still hooked.  This is one of the only shows we're all caught up on.

Journeyman: OK, so I broke my own rule and added this show myself.  I couldn't help it!  The Time Traveler's Wife is one of my all-time favorite books, so how could I pass up a show based on it?  Ok, you got me again.  The show is not technically based on the book.  But it practically is!  I was both terribly excited and a little bit afraid to watch the pilot, because I thought it would either be the bestest show evah, or else I would hate it for not being as great at the book.  I was pleased with the pilot, although I did find myself saying things like "Hey! He's not supposed to be able to take anything with him when he time travels!  How come he has all his clothes and his blackberry?" a lot, but I'm going to keep watching.  So far I've only seen the pilot.  I know, I know... I'm so behind!

Tuesday

NCIS: I don't know why more people don't watch this show.  All you people watching CSI out there, ditch that bimbo Calleigh Duquesne (even her name is annoyingly hard to spell) and watch NCIS instead.  I heart Tony, I adore Goth Abbie, and I've even warmed up to Ziva. .

The Unit: I shouldn't like this show.  But I LOVE. THIS. SHOW.  Again, why don't more people watch it?  You've got "Bob Brown", who I still call Noel, but instead of being a dorky R.A. following Felicity around, he's a terrorist-killing black ops soldier.  HOTT.

Wednesday

Bionic Woman: This was 100% Joel's pick, but it didn't suck as much as I thought it was going to.  In fact, much to my own chagrin, I liked it.  Shoot me now, I've officially become a fan of comic book adaptations (this was a comic book... right?).  Add that to the quasi sci-fi geekdom, and I think I'm in trouble.  I can't make a true judgment call on this, though, because I've only seen the pilot so far.

Thursday

Smallville and Supernatural: I am irrationally attached to both of these shows.  They're symbolic to me.  I started watching Smallville at The Boys' House in college, before Joel and I started dating.  I watched our box set of Season 1 DVDs in our first apartment, when we'd just started working and Joel was working 16 hours a day and I was home alone with no cable, no cats, and waay too much time on my hands.  It's gotten kind of ridiculous over the past few seasons: I was PISSED when it turned out that Lana wasn't really dead because I cannot stand another pouty word out of Ms. Lang, and seriously? These kids are supposed to be in college? When to they go to school?  How does Chloe zip back and forth from Metropolis to Smallville several times a day when they're supposed to be, like, two hours apart?  And why does Supergirl have to look like a Barbie doll?  But alas, I still love it.  And I always will.   Supernatural has not been on nearly as long, but I love it just as much.  I've always loved ghost stories (Poltergeist was one of my favorite movies when I was a kid, we used to rent them for every birthday sleepover).   I really wish that they didn't have to name the brothers Dean and Sam, with Sam being Dean from Gilmore Girls, but that's a small matter. 

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia: Love, love, love, love it.  Do you watch this?  Why not?  Who doesn't love a good comedy about a group of really stupid friends?  Every episode I try to decide whether I love Mack or Charlie more.  I can't make up my mind.  At the moment I'd say Mack, but if Charlie draws another map of the ventilation system he'll move back into first place.

Friday

Moonlight: This was another of Joel's adds, but I love me a good vampire show.  Buffy, anyone?   So far I've only watched the pilot, and I'm teetering over whether or not we'll keep it.  Like the concept, didn't so much like the reporter chick.  She looks too much like ex-ADA Serena Southerland, and it freaks my shiz out.

And it goes without saying that I'm watching all three Law and Order franchises, right?  I don't associate them with a particular day of the week because I just save them to watch when Joel isn't around.  He doesn't appreciate a fine crime drama when he sees one, which is a real shame since I have apparently turned into a sci-fi/comic book fan under his influence.

I am fully aware that some of the staples of modern American television are missing from my list.  Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, The Office... I don't know what to say.  I've never seen the former two and I really don't have any desire to get into them.  I've seen Office re-runs and I thought they were absolutely hysterical, but... it overlaps with Supernatural.  And we have the Tivo that can only record one thing at a time.  Don't tell me to watch one show live, because I just can't do that anymore.  Tivo has set me free, and I can't go back to commercials and start times. I'll just wait til it's over, order all the season DVDs from Netflix, and then lament the fact that I have no one to talk to about how awesome it is.   That's exactly what I plan to do with the Harry Potter books, too.

Shows that we tried out and ditched: K-Ville and Life.  K-Ville was OK, but there is only so much time in the day and only so much space in the cache, and it just didn't make the cut.  The guy on Life reminded me far too much of Horatio Caine, one of the most annoying TV characters to ever grace the small screen (in my book, he comes in right after Ms. Duquesne), so that got the axe after the pilot as well.

Jeebus, does that ever look like a lot of shows.  Ten hours a week.  That's like a part time job. And Nip/Tuck hasn't even started yet!  (Not to mention 24 and Lost, both of which I'm so over but I'll still totally be watching)  Well, it's a tough job, this being a TV addict, but someone's gotta do it.

Tivo tears

I watched the Gilmore Girls finale last night.   I realize I'm a day late here.  That's what Tivo does to you.  It lets you be lazy about watching TV.

Anyway, I just thought you all should know that I cried.  Joel was off at a team function, and I took advantage of my evening alone to watch some of the shows that Joel can't stand to listen to -- you know, Seventh Heaven, One Tree Hill, America's Next Top Model, that sort of thing.  Oh, SHUT UP.  I know they're bad shows.  That's why I love them.

It's been awhile since I had a good cry over a book or movie.  Well, I did shed a few isolated tears while reading 1776, but it's wasn't a good, cathartic cry.  I think the last time I had a great cry over something totally fictional was when I watched The Notebook over MLK Day weekend.  That's a long time, people! 

So, Gilmore Girls broke my dry spell.  I'm not ashamed to admit it.  I am not overly sad that the show is going off the air; I think it's time and there will always be reruns on ABC Family (which I watch every day at the gym).  But man, when Luke started planning the surprise party?  I just couldn't help it.  And then when Richard apologized to Lorelei for their past relationship?  I lost it.  By the time it became clear that Emily was trying to loan money to Lorelei so she wouldn't lose touch with her, I was sobbing.

I'm also not ashamed to admit that I am 110% in love with Luke Danes.  I defy anyone to tell me that they don't feel the same way.

24 and Prison Break: you could learn a lot from each other

Is it just me, or is prime time TV gearing up for the summer a little early this year.  We still have a few episodes left, but the plot has completely gone to hell on both Prison Break AND 24.  And according to Tivo, Heroes ain't comin' back anytime soon.

So, Prison Break.  What we still have going for us is that Michael Schofield is still smokin hot.  I am glad that during this long run from the law, he's managed to keep up with shaving his head, because last week on the Unit?  NOEL HAD HAIR.  And now I can't watch that show any more.  But other than Michael's HOTTness, Prison Break is fading fast.  First of all, where are we now?  I thought we were in Mexico, or at least Sucre and Teabag and Mr. Ex-Guard were, all chasing each other.  Now we're all in Panama.  I may just be confused about all that, because I do remember Teabag wearing a Panama hat a few weeks back.  Hmm. My real problem is Sucre is just going to die in the street from a measly stabwound, after everything he's gone through in this show?   I also have a problem with Sketchy Ex-FBI guy calling the cops to report that "two american men just shot a well-dressed Asian man" BEFORE THE ASIAN DUDE EVEN SHOWS UP. Muwahahahahaha, yes, now we know your evil plan to double cross Asian Dude.  But did you consider that now the police are on their way, and if something goes wrong, you're totally screwed?  Of course not.  This is the small screen equivalent of leaving the hero to die by locking him in a room filling with water with a bunch of angry carp with lasers attached to their heads.   Last but not least, are they really setting us up for Prison Break: Panama next season?   Well.... as long as they keep shaving Michael's head on a regular basis, I'm OK with that, I guess.

Moving on to 24, I just have one thing to say:  "At least you have your faith.  I'm still looking for mine."  I thought there could be no worse line than "I tripped over your ineptitude", but I stand corrected.  Poor douchbag guy from Division.  He tortures people at the drop of a hat, but it's just because he hasn't found God yet.  LAME.

Also lame?  A supersmart terrorist thinking he could survive by chopping off his arm with an axe and running.  Apparently, this nuclear scientist did not take biology.  Heck, neither did I, and I still realize that 1. That would hurt like a bitch, and 2. You'd bleed to death in about 35 seconds.  Unless, of course, your terrorist friends did a half-assed job of bandaging you up with a shirt.  You'd be fine then.

I'm also not really down with the "We're nuking Mysterious No-Name Middle Eastern Country", no, wait we'll wake up Palmer, we're not nuking anyone!  Wait, Palmer has lost is marbles, we're nuking them again.  Obviously we're going to nuke them, because that is just the worst idea in the history of ideas, and that's what Presidents do. On the show, I mean.

Last but not least, I think the Vice President's blond henchwoman is a Fembot.  Don't ask me why, I just know these things.

*************

In other news, I went for my W-word test yesterday and it was the most humiliating experience of my life.  Now I have to wait THREE DAYS for the results. 

What, you thought I could go a whole day without mentioning it? 

Home Sweet Tivo

Well, I made it home from New Orleans on Saturday night.  The meeting was just as much of a disaster as I thought it would be (although in ways I never could have imagined -- I'll give them points for originality), but now I'm home.  Phew.  The best part is that I think that things went SO badly that I have enough ammo to convince my boss never to work with this company again. 

Here's to hoping.

On Sunday, Joel and I spent a few hours cleaning the house.  WE are working on a new plan to share the housework more equitably, and so far it's working very nicely.  I didn't spend my entire day off on Monday scrubbing the house, and that was nice.  Instead, I ran some errands in the morning and met up with Joel at home for lunch.  Then I caught up on last week's Tivo cache, went to yoga, and took Max to his annual vet appointment.  Don't worry I'm not going to talk about that last one.  We'll just say that it was not pleasant for me, Max, or my credit card, and I have decided that these preventative visits are HIGHLY overrated.  Until they go out and get jobs with health coverage, I am hereby issuing a moratorium on vet visits.  Amen.

You know what's great about never keeping up with your Tivo cache?  You find yourself watching last week's show just in time for the new episode.   So we watched last week's Lost last night, and now instead of ruminating for a week about how in the HELL John's father ended up hog-tied in The Others' basement, we get to find out tonight!  Yet another benefit of the great and wonderful Tivo.

Oh, and, yes, Lost has sucked me back in.  I will give them another chance, since they appear to finally be tying up some loose ends and plot holes (we get to know how John became paralyzed!  And it's only season, what, 29?) and for getting some better dialog.  When "Ben" was spouting off about the magical box that can give you anything you imagine, anything your heart desires, as long as you want it badly enough?  I was gagging.  I can swallow a lot more mystical mumbo jumbo than your average girl; I am a tree-hugging, karma-embracing hippie, after all.  I'll see your island with healing powers and raise you one dinosaur that hasn't been heard from since season one.  But I don't try to pull an ace out of your sleeve by throwing in some mystical box-thing.  Oh, no, buddy.  There is a limit to my suspension of disbelief, and it's reserved for daytime soaps.  Luckily, I can continue to watch the show in good conscience, because John agreed with me.  You'd better hope that box is big enough to imagine yourself up a new submarine.

LOVE IT.

That little one-liner was only topped by the spat between Tom Lennox (possibly the worst politician in the world, lacking the ability to pull off a simple double-cross) and Karen Hayes. When Karen asked snippily if Tom got that bruise on his face by falling down a flight of stairs, instead of replying "Oh, this old thing?  st got pistol whipped by a couple of insider terrorists, that's all", he says: "I tripped over your ineptitude".

OH SNAPS!  I'm not even sure what that means, since Karen was resigned at the time, but you get points for trying, Tom. 

Note to 24 producers: I don't think I was supposed to be laughing.  But keep 'em coming, it's better than this crap about waking presidents up from comas so they can stop WWIII from starting.  Days of Our Lives called, and they want their storyline back.

OOOOOH!  SNAPS! 

I'll be here all week, people, making jokes that only I find funny about last week's television episodes.  Stay tuned.

Let's talk about TV because my brain is dead

Work is kicking my ass lately, but I just have to discuss last night's episode of 24.

Well, not so much discuss.  What I want to know is, when Jack's father was finally revealed, was I the only one who couldn't stop thinking "That'll do, pig.  That'll do."?

Seriously, HOW AWESOME WOULD IT HAVE BEEN if Phillip Bauer had said that to Graem, instead of all that lame "How could you double cross your own father" bullcrap?  "That'll do, Graem, you goddamn government conspiracy pig.  That'll do.  Seriously, you'd better shut up before your brother kills you with his teeth like he did to that other terrorist."

And what is up with the weird spelling of Graem's name?  Just in case we couldn't tell that he was a douchebag from the way he constantly wears that bluetooth headset, oh, and the fact that HE SHIPPED HIS OWN BROTHER OFF TO A CHINESE PRISON, they also had to get all hippie and spell his name all crazy-like?  I don't like it.  I don't like it at all.

Um, also... for all you Prison Break watchers (I know you all watch it, Michael Schofield has you all hypnotized too, don't lie to me), how did you like the way Fox threw their own news program in the show like that?  I thought it was totally LAME (but not unexpected from Fox); Joel thought it was better than making up a fake news program like 24 does. 

I have to go home now and drink a few glasses bottles of wine while I watch Heroes on the Tivo.

A philosophical discussion of the Gilmore Girls

I started watching 7th Heaven and Gilmore Girls at some point during college, and I hated them both so much that I actually loved watching every episode.  For me, there is a fine line between a show that just plain sucks, and a show that is so awful, whose plot line, dialog and characters are just so ridiculously unbelievable, that it's awesome.  I believe it has to do with the writers saying to themselves, "You know what?  This is TV.  It's not real.  Everyone knows it's not real.  So let's have some fun with it." 

Like, for example, soap operas. 

(Dear Lord, I am about to admit that I sometimes watch soap operas).

So I used to watch Days of Our Lives with my mom.  My mother got hooked on the show when she was pregnant with me, and we used to watch it together whenever I had a day off from school over a lunch of tuna sandwiches.  So I feel sort of a special connection with the town of Salem and all it's voluptuous, cunning inhabitants.  That being said, I got to see an episode a few weeks ago when I had the day of of work and I was at the gym at 1pm.  All I could think was, wait.... didn't they have this EXACT plot line two years ago?  LAME.  And then I changed the channel and watched My Super Sweet Sixteen instead.

As much love as I have in my heart for DOOL and that crazy Stephano, I just don't care anymore.  It doesn't matter who's got amnesia, because Marlena will hypnotize them and help them get their memory back, and it doesn't matter who's dead, because for goodness sake, PATCH just waltzed back from the dead.  The problem is, they try to make it seem real, and then they go bringing people back from the dead.  Not gonna happen, people.

I might be the first person in the history of television to make this statement, but I think Passions got it right.  If you've stumbled onto Passions during your channel surfing, you've probably wondered who slipped LSD into your Diet Coke, because holy crap, is that a monkey dressed as a baby?  Is his name precious?  And is that a MERMAID?  Why, yes.  Yes it is. 

Passions embraces the fact that it's a soap opera, and goes above and beyond the usual recycling plot line.  So Marlena was once possessed by the devil and had to be exorcised on Days?  Passions will see your exorcism and raise you one Rosemary's baby.  So you say Stephano faked his own death for the umpteenth time?  Well, Timmy, Tabitha's talking, walking doll (rest his soul) used to take breaks to make mar-timmies for everyone.  Everyone except for Teresa, of course because she was pregnant after she got knocked up by Ethan's father, and then she drugged and date-raped Ethan and pretended the baby was his, and then when she was found out, she locked Ethan in a garage and refused to let him out until he had sex with her.   Top that.

A quote for the wonderful IMDB sums it up pretty well: 

How is it that I hate this show so much, yet, at the same time, know all of the characters' names? Simply, once you're hooked, you're just like those dead fish that got dumped on Ethan. You can't stop watching this show. You keep watching because you can't understand how it can get worse and worse, every day.

Easily the most insulting, sexist, and horrible shows on TV today (and that, dear friends, is a big, bold statement.) It's all those things and, just incidentally, totally entertaining.

If you're going to make a soap opera, make it a soap opera.  Don't insult us by pretending it's "real".

All that was a buildup to my recap of Gilmore Girls, if you can believe it.

I once heard someone say "I used to be friends with her, but I really don't like the person she's become", and I thought that was pretty much the meanest thing you could say about a person.  It's worse than hating someone because they made out with your boyfriend or stole your favorite CD or crashed your car.   Think about it: I don't like the person you've become.  If someone said that to me, I would be crushed. 

I don't like the person Rory Gilmore has become.

I used to hate her for being boring, and for being so freaking smart, and for having those impossibly witty and fast dialogs with her annoying mother.  And then she went to high school, and had some real problems, and I started to like her.  And then she met Dean.  I loved Dean.  I still love Dean, now that he's on Supernatural.  I loved Jess, and I loved that Rory left Dean for Jess, because that's the kind of stuff that teenagers do.  It was real.  As real as TV can be.

And then she went to college.  I thought that Rory getting sucked into Logan's circle, stealing the boat, dropping out of Yale, not speaking to her mom for months, living with her grandparents and working for the DAR was BRILLIANT.  Brilliant.  Because that's the kind of stuff that happens in real life.  Mothers and daughters fight.  The smartest, brightest private-schooled kids sometimes drop of college.  Life gets crazy.

So, Gilmore Girls went from being one of my love-to-hate shows, along with Seventh Heaven and passions and Law and Order: Criminal Intent, and slowly it grew on me until it became a pure love-to-love show, on the level of Smallville and Supernatural, and God save me, Sex and the City. And now it seems that it has come full circle.  I watch it because I want to see how much more it can suck.  I want Lorelei to be married to Luke, not Christopher, or at the very least for the measly fight scene to have landed Christopher in the hospital or something.  I want Rory to dump Logan and stop acting like a member of the Young Aristocrats Who Are Friends With Annoying Twiggy Girls Club.  I want Jess and Dean back on the show, but only if it would not interfere with the brilliant new shows they're moved on to, because Gilmore Girls best not be messin' with my Heroes and Supernatural.  Hell, no.  GG, you can't even go there any more.

The only one I still like is Emily Gilmore, who has always been my favorite character on the show.  If she starts going soft on me, it's all over.  I'm going to have to break up with this show just like I did with Lost.

(Which means I'll still totally watch, but I won't be proud of myself).

Really, really, really, really, really, really ridiculously good-looking news

Joel and I have just completed the most productive weekend ever.  Really, who would have imagined all the things you can get done when you don't sleep until 11am every Saturday and Sunday?

On Saturday, I went to morning yoga, and Joel went to morning practice.  We then spent the afternoon moving bookcases and taping the living room, preparing to paint the other half of it.  Then Joel went to his team's annual Turkey Roast dinner, and I went off the Home Depot to buy more paint.   The evening was spent taping, and watching all the TV that Joel taped for me on Thursday when I was out taking care of babies and such.

On Sunday, we woke up bright and early and went to pick up a new couch that we'd bought.   On the way home, we stopped at Circuit City and bought a Tivo.  Then we came home, unloaded all of our purchases, set up the couch and the Tivo, and painted the living room.  Somewhere in between, I also did three loads of laundry.

Did you catch the really, really ridiculously good news? 

OMG WE GOT A TIVO!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!1

I am still sort of in shock.  I have been dropping not-so-subtle hints about how our lives would be enriched if only we had a Tivo for the past few months.  Like, when Joel would miss 10 minutes of Prison Break because he didn't hear me yelling "It's back on!" when he was in the kitchen?  Never would have happened if we had a Tivo.  When I set the VCR incorrectly and accidentally didn't tape Battlestar Gallactica for him?  Never would have happened if we had a Tivo.  When we missed the beginning of Lost because we were driving around this god-forsaken neighborhood looking for a parking spot all night?  Never would have happened if we had a Tivo.  When we got into a fight on Saturday night because I wanted to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING BUT WATCH CARTOONS, and Joel really, really wanted to watch Naruto?  Never would have happ.... well, you get the idea.

The other day, Joel was looking at some site that lists really good internet deals (this is apparently a hobby of his, which I will now fully and unconditionally support, even if he is planning to buy an Xbox 360 on Thanksgiving Day) and he found out that Tivo was offering a rebate that allowed you to get the box for free at Circuit City.   I was skeptical, but it turned out to be for real.  You still have to pay for the monthly service, but whatever.  It's less than we pay for Netflix.  Plus, we don't pay for interenet.  I use the fact that we don't pay for internet to justify just about every purchase I really shouldn't make.  Thank you, neighbors with an unsecured wireless network, for enabling my spending.  I will send you my credit card bills.

I REALLY wanted a Tivo.  Joel REALLY loves getting a good deal.  So, there was really nothing we could do to stop ourselves from getting a REALLY good deal on a TIVO.  Come on, it was FREE!

I really think this is going to change our lives.  I am so very excited, it's almost obscene.  I can start watching Gilmore Girls again!  I don't have to stay up until 11 on Tuesdays to see Nip Tuck!  Most importantly, I can pause Heroes tonight while I'm cooking, and not miss one single second of SAVE THE CHEERLEADER goodness. 

How did we live before this again?  I really don't know.

Going on the record

I'm just going to come out and say it.  I think Lost has jumped the shark.  When it's canceled at the end of the season, you can say you heard it here first.

I have been a Lost fan from the very beginning, which is somewhat unusual for me, since I tend to jump on bandwagons that are already careening around the information superhighway at full speed.  I've seen every episode of Lost, from the very first day that poor Oceanic Air flight crashed on The Island.

And yet, I am so confused.  I have so many questions.  And because it's Friday, I'm going to go ahead and give myself permission to do the rest of this in list format. 

1. If Kate was married to that cop guy and that was after she was arrested and robbed the bank and killed her dad and became a fugitive, who is the guy who gave her the little plane toy?  Has she been married more than once?  I seem to remember her screwing over her one true love in the bank robbery.  She did rob a bank, right?  And then she was in love with Jack.  And now she is in love with Sawyer?
2. The Others are supersmart, and have all this great technology, and yet Kate can climb out of her cage in under 15 seconds -- in a dress?
3. I won't even get started on the creepy porn implications of the cameras everywhere, and Kate and Sawyer having sex IN A CAGE.
4. Are we now supposed to believe that the whole motivation behind all of The Others' actions for the past 3 seasons was getting Jack to do the spinal surgery on Ben/Henry Gale?   It didn't occur to them that 1) Jack might try to kill Henry/Ben on the operating table 2) THEY COULD HAVE JUST ASKED HIM, and avoided two seasons of kidnappings and intrigue?
5. Who is the new blond chick?  Does she have a name?
6. How many people can they kill before there is no one left on this island?  Boone (crushed by plane), Shannon (shot by Ana Lucia), the guy Ana Lucia put in the hole because she thought he was An Other, the teacher dude who got blown up, Ana Lucia and Libby (shot by Michael), Ecko (beaten to death by smoke)... All they need is to bring back Boone, and make up a story about how he wasn't really dead, he just faked his own death to go and search for Shannon, and they'll officially be stealing from Days of Our Lives.
7. Please bring back Boone.  I miss him.
8. Hell, I even miss Shannon.
9. Their semi-incestuous love affair was more believable to me than magic black smoke killing Ecko, who has previously survived a plane crash and an attack by a polar bear.
10. I don't miss Ana Lucia or Libby one bit.
11. Are they really dead?  Did Ana Lucia really kill Shannon?  Maybe it was just an illusion created by the magic black smoke.
12. MAGIC SMOKE?
13. Hey, remember Walt and Michael?  I hope that rinky dinky boat it had a really big gas tank, because this island is supposedly 1000s of miles from anything.
14. What happened to Walt's dog? 
15. How is Hurley STILL fat?
16. Let's get back to Sawyer for a minute.  He has "given up hope" because The Others revealed to him that they're on a different island.  The original island, where all his friends live, is visible, and it's not even far away.  And this causes Sawyer to give up hope of ever escaping?  He's a professional con artist.  He survived a plane crash.  He GOT SHOT IN SHARK INFESTED WATERS.  He was tortured by an ex-Iraqi soldier.  He's been workin' on the chain gang all day long, but he can't even try to swim a mile or two back to the old island?
17. What has Sayid been up to this entire season?
18. What happened to Jin and Sun?
19. Hey, wasn't that Desmond guy supposed to be clairvoyant or something? 
20. Who's the dude with the eyepatch?

What is going on? Do I even care anymore? 

All I know for sure is, if they kill off Sawyer, I am going to stop watching. I mean it.   And if they kill off Kate, I just might forgive them for all of the plot holes and red herrings.  Or maybe Sayid could just torture her or something.  Or they could brainwash her and make her less annoying.  Hey, it worked on Days.

Is this Lukah guy supposed to be the new George Clooney? NOT EVEN CLOSE.

You know, I like to think of myself as a television connoisseur.   I will admit, I watch way too much TV.  But I have a very discriminating eye.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!1!!1, you're thinking.  Because I have previously admitted to watching Seventh Heaven.  But I watch Seventh Heaven for a reason:  It's a great way to build up rage, scream at the television, and then the anger is gone.  And thus, you don't have to choke the nice man, the one who ogles you on the way to work every single goddamned day and makes disgusting comments after you've walked by, to death.*  As Dr. Phil would say, it's a constructive outlet for my anger.  At least, that's what I think he would say, but I wouldn't know because I would rather stick my entire head into the cats' litterbox -- after a weekend when I've been away somewhere and Joel has "forgotten to clean it out" for 3 days -- than actually listen to anything that Phil McGraw, PhD, has to say.  Maybe it's the fact that his surname is the same as that horrific country singer's.  Maybe it's the fact that I was once forced to watch a Dr Phil episode in my family's living room, with my mother and both of my brothers, and that the topic of this particular segment was fellatio.   Whatever.  The point is, I actually do have a modicum of taste.  Or so I like to tell myself.

So, here I am, sitting in my hotel room, watching ER.  I'm watching ER because for some reason, this very swanky hotel which gets HBO and Showtime, only gets 4 other channels and they're all playing sports.   Now, I haven't watched ER in quite awhile.  Probably not since high school.  Because in college, I discovered Law and Order, which is playing on at least two channels between the hours of 5-10pm.  And then, along came Netflix.  And also... I am more than a little bit queasy at the sight of blood.  I suck it up for Nip/Tuck, but that's totally different because Nip/Tuck more than makes up for it by frequently showcasing Julian McMahon's naked butt. 

The point is, I used to like ER.  I used to think it was a "good show." So I am struggling to explain why, in the 15 minutes I've been watching, there has been a completely idiotic "heartwrenching" scene with an old guy who refuses to take his heart medication, but then gets chauffeured into a helicopter for a heart transplant at the "Mayo clinic", followed by a helicopter crash.  Which was caused by terrorists?  I am not sure.  But it seems a little overly dramatic.  Please keep in mind that I admitted earlier that I love the soap opera called Passions.  And still, this episode was inciting the "oh, COME ON!" reflex.

And then, wait, is that UNCLE JESSIE?  Oh my god, yes it is.  Uncle Jessie, what are you doing on ER??  Did "Jake in Progress" get canceled already?  Were you unhinged over the fact that your ex wife is appearing in another blockbuster film covered in nothing but a thin layer of blue paint? 

I'm sorry.  But there are limits to how far I can stretch my imagination, and seeing Uncle Jessie in a paramedics outfit, hitting on the Indian/British chick (and didn't she use to be a DOCTOR?) is far beyond them.

I'm going to sleep.

*And also, it cracks me up every single time I see Ashlie Simpson trying to act.  And now!  Haylie Duff!!! I LOVE Hilary Duff!! But that will not stop me from mocking her older, less pretty, sister!

You just can't keep them Camdens down

You know what I don't like?  Being tricked.  Especially when the trickster is an overweight cat who I JUST HEARD SCRATCHING THE RUG, SO STOP ACTING LIKE YOU WERE JUST SITTING ON THE COUCH THE WHOLE TIME BECUASE I TOTALLY HEARD YOU.  Or, a preachy douchebag who reproduces irresponsibly and lets his son screw various D-list Hollywood siblings.

That's right.  They're back.  The Camdens. Even though they had the SERIES FINALE two weeks ago and I not only watched it when it aired the first time, but also again when it replayed the week after, just to catch all the subtle things I missed.  Was that really supposed to be Simon's baby?  And OMG the baby-mama really IS Haylie Duff!  Six more Camden children on the way?? Thank goodness it's over.

Only it's not.  They've created a new channel that is the spawn of the WB and UPN, a channel specifically for shows like 7th Heaven, America's Next Top Model, Girlfriends, Everwood, and One Tree Hill.

ABC Family, I think you have officially been replaced.  CW, here I come.

A fond farewell to the worst show on television

I don't usually watch the new episodes of 7th Heaven.  In fact, since I haven't been to the gym in the past oh, 10 or 11 weeks, I haven't even been watching the reruns that air on ABC Family at 6pm lately.  It's a sad state of affairs when you turn on the television, and see Simon getting married and think "who the hell is this Rose chick?"

Thankfully the universe had good timing, and I happened to be looking for something cheesy, yet infuriating, to watch last night at 8pm.  The series finale of 7th Heaven just happened to be on. 

The finale was pretty much everything I would have expected from a show that has been spewing  preachy sentimentalism for the past TEN YEARS.  That show was on the air for a decade.  Putting it in the same category as Friends and Seinfeld.  And Stargate SG1, as Joel is always quick to point out. 

The going back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth about whether of not the wedding was actually going to happen was enough to make a person dizzy.  The montage at the end that included that awful shot of the happy and loving Reverend and Mrs. Camden holding up their large, full wine glasses while looking lustily into each others eyes made me nauseous.  The fact that the winner of the "7th Heaven Smile Moment" was when The Grinning Idiot proposed to Lucy made me want to throw the TV out the window.  I would have expected nothing less.

I think the show would have been much enhanced if the wedding featured live music by Cecilia, who is still played by Ashlee Simpson, of course.  Could she not dye her hair back blond and put on the sweet, chaste facade for one more night?  Is she so famous now that she has forgotten where she came from?  You were getting busted buying condoms at the local drugstore with Simon before you were lip synching on Saturday Night Live, Ashlee.  Don't you forget it.

And if they couldn't get Ashlee to perform at the wedding, would it be too much to ask for a plot twist involving Jessica Biel that wasn't a dream sequence?   I'm envisioning something like this: Mary is planning to surprise everyone by showing up to the wedding (because that's the cool thing to do in the Camden family, according to Matt and his preggo wife with very curly, very shiny hair.  Even if it means not telling your family about your pregnancy until the 7th month.  And flying during the third trimester. The day before your graduation from medical school.) She's running late, so she's speeding down the pristine roads of suburban California to make it to the church on time.  And of course, she's drunk and the car is loaded up with memorabilia that she stole from a diner as a part of a hazing prank.  Just as Simon is about to reluctantly say "I do", Mary crashes her car into the front of the church, and runs over Rose.  Problem solved!  No wedding!  Better yet, maybe she could borrow one of those fighter jets from her breakout movie about the airplane that gains self-awareness and tries to destroy the world, and drive THAT to the wedding and crash it through the church.  I don't think that would be asking too much.  But apparently Jessica Biel has also forgotten her humble beginnings as the renegade daughter of the Camden family.

At the very least, the twins could have drawn something a little more inventive on their faces than mustaches.  I'm just saying.

Other gripes: Why did Ruthie's boyfriend have to look like a cross between and hippie and a child molester?  Ruthie was the only one in the whole town of Glenoak that had an ounce of sense.  When did she start DATING?  I thought that slow dancing was only appropriate for the married Camden offspring.  And "Umberto"?  Are you serious?  They couldn't come up with any other Hispanic name for their token ethnic character?  And was that baby that showed up at the end supposed to be Simon's illegitimate kid?  So it was a happy ending, because he didn't marry Rose when he in fact has a child with some OTHER random girl?  Is that what is passing for wholesome television these days? And yet they couldn't have just one Ashlee Simpson performance, and Mary got kicked off the show for posing semi-nude in Gear magazine at 17 years of age?

That sort of reasoning is akin to when the Reverend was so upset because Matt and curly shiny Sarah were having premarital sex, or at least sleeping in the same bed from time to time.  But not really, because it turned out that they had secretly married on their first date, and then staged another fake wedding so that the honorable Reverand could officiate.  Because getting married and lying to your family about it is better than having premarital sex. 

I'm almost sad that this show is off the air. How are the children of tomorrow going to learn about the wholesome values of going to church and procreating like rabbits?  What other show would dare to have a hot vixen homewrecker who is also a police officer and just happens to be named named Roxanne who seduces the Associate Pastor into commiting the deadly sin of lust (but who is really just confused and upset about her alcoholic father)?  And I'm even willing to admit, although The Grinning Idiot is the most annoying character on television, he was still pretty damn hot.   I'll miss you, Kevin Kinkirk.  I will not miss your television wife.  Goodbye and good riddance to Lucy Camden's reign of drama, poutiness, and cute pregnancy outfits. 

The Day in Numbers

Times I hit the snooze button this morning: 4

Times Max vomited before I left for work: 2

Catcalls received on way to work: 0

Hours worked at work: 8.5

Hours worked on papers: .5

Catcalls received on my way home from work: 2

Pounds of cat food purchased: 10

Quantity of feline antidepressants purchased: 30

Flowers planted: 5

Gardening accidents: 0

Piles of cat vomit stepped in: 1

Additional piles of cat vomit found throughout the house: 4

Times Max decided not to use the litterbox: 1

Value of that rubber-backed mat: its weight in gold

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And because 24 is a number, and so totally fits in with this theme (and I didn't even plan it!):

I'm saying this here as my time-stamped record -- I'm beginning to think that Audrey Raines is involved in this terrorist business.  I can't say how just yet, but there's something fishy going on Ms. Raines... how many times is she going to say "MAKE SURE YOU GET THAT RECORDING, JACK"??  She's in on it.  And I'd be willing to bet she's sleeping with Logan too.  She looks like that kind of girl.

And yet, I still have no answer to my question from last week: WHERE IS AARON PIERCE?  I don't feel all too reassured with the unstable Martha Logan on the case. 

It's unanimous -- Jack Bauer is the most desired man on the planet

I saw this on Post Secret today.  Rock on, Jack.  If only you were real.

And I'd like to retract what I said about Audrey Raines a few days ago.  Audrey, you GO GIRL.  You took that slash to the brachial artery like a champ.  I actually hope that you survive. 

On that note, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DEAR, SWEET AGENT PIERCE?? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HIM, EVIL TERRORIST PRESIDENT?? 

God Bless America!

You didn't type in the wrong web addess and accidentally find some incredibly patriotic person who looks just like me.  Nor did I undergo a lobotomy last night -- yet still, I said it: God Bless America!   Yup, I'm the same person who doesn't believe in God and who, in the not-so-distant past has been known to say that I hate America and all the McDonald's loving, SUV-driving, "America is the best because that's what the propaganda told me to think", war-mongering people in it.  That hasn't changed.

I still hate politicians, Democrats and Republicans alike (although I probably do hate Republicans a little teensy bit more).  I still think that Team America: World Police should have won at least 12 Oscars.  But anyone who's not feeling a tad bit patriotic after last night's episode of 24 is clearly a terrorist.

Forget G.I. Joe -- Jack Bauer is like the lovechild of a drunken, one night stand between James Bond, MacGyver, and Chuck Norris.   He picks locks, commandeers police vehicles, shoots bad guys (but not to kill), programs cell-phones to self-destruct, AND he's popular with the ladies.  He's not afraid to shoot your wife in the leg to get the information he needs.  He doesn't work for CTU, heck, officially he's not even alive... and he doesn't follow anyone's rules but his own. 

It's true, I am a little bit obsessed with Jack Bauer.  But even more than Kiefer's sexy lead man, with his backstory of possibly being a deadbeat dad to his incredibly hot daughter (who is now sleeping with her pedophile psychotherapist as a result) and his home-wrecking with the Secretary of Defense's daughter, I think I am in love with Aaron Pierce.  Talk about your all-around good guy.  He may not have a trendy man-bag of tricks like Jack, but he also doesn't need Chloe to re-adjust 19 different satellites and upload the schematics for every building in the Los Angeles metro area to his PDA in order to get anything done.  When you can't trust anyone, who can you call? Aaron Pierce.  When you're driving damning evidence to the White House and you're ambushed by a van full of commandos, who will save your ass? Aaron Pierce. When President Logan issues a bogus warrant for your arrest, who will warn you? Aaron Pierce.  And to top it all off, he can keep his mouth shut about all the intrigue in order to remain close to that backstabbing President and spy on him some more.  And he's sort of hot, in that mature, pattern baldness, forehead sweat kind of way. 

I salute you, Agent Pierce, for your selfless, heroic contributions to American entertainment, in your understated, yet still kick-ass sort of way.  If things don't work out with that romantic chemistry they've been not-so-subtley writing in between you and First Lady Logan, I would be delighted to bear your children.  Call me.

*****************************************************************************************************************

UPDATE: I have just been informed by my news-hungry significant other that Kiefer has just signed a contract commiting to THREE MORE SEASONS of 24.  Maybe there is a God after all!