You didn't type in the wrong web addess and accidentally find some incredibly patriotic person who looks just like me. Nor did I undergo a lobotomy last night -- yet still, I said it: God Bless America! Yup, I'm the same person who doesn't believe in God and who, in the not-so-distant past has been known to say that I hate America and all the McDonald's loving, SUV-driving, "America is the best because that's what the propaganda told me to think", war-mongering people in it. That hasn't changed.
I still hate politicians, Democrats and Republicans alike (although I probably do hate Republicans a little teensy bit more). I still think that Team America: World Police should have won at least 12 Oscars. But anyone who's not feeling a tad bit patriotic after last night's episode of 24 is clearly a terrorist.
Forget G.I. Joe -- Jack Bauer is like the lovechild of a drunken, one night stand between James Bond, MacGyver, and Chuck Norris. He picks locks, commandeers police vehicles, shoots bad guys (but not to kill), programs cell-phones to self-destruct, AND he's popular with the ladies. He's not afraid to shoot your wife in the leg to get the information he needs. He doesn't work for CTU, heck, officially he's not even alive... and he doesn't follow anyone's rules but his own.
It's true, I am a little bit obsessed with Jack Bauer. But even more than Kiefer's sexy lead man, with his backstory of possibly being a deadbeat dad to his incredibly hot daughter (who is now sleeping with her pedophile psychotherapist as a result) and his home-wrecking with the Secretary of Defense's daughter, I think I am in love with Aaron Pierce. Talk about your all-around good guy. He may not have a trendy man-bag of tricks like Jack, but he also doesn't need Chloe to re-adjust 19 different satellites and upload the schematics for every building in the Los Angeles metro area to his PDA in order to get anything done. When you can't trust anyone, who can you call? Aaron Pierce. When you're driving damning evidence to the White House and you're ambushed by a van full of commandos, who will save your ass? Aaron Pierce. When President Logan issues a bogus warrant for your arrest, who will warn you? Aaron Pierce. And to top it all off, he can keep his mouth shut about all the intrigue in order to remain close to that backstabbing President and spy on him some more. And he's sort of hot, in that mature, pattern baldness, forehead sweat kind of way.
I salute you, Agent Pierce, for your selfless, heroic contributions to American entertainment, in your understated, yet still kick-ass sort of way. If things don't work out with that romantic chemistry they've been not-so-subtley writing in between you and First Lady Logan, I would be delighted to bear your children. Call me.
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UPDATE: I have just been informed by my news-hungry significant other that Kiefer has just signed a contract commiting to THREE MORE SEASONS of 24. Maybe there is a God after all!
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