GRINCH ALERT

So. Maybe it's just me, since I've been called "bitter" a time or two, but I think Christmas has seriously gotten out of hand. For example, one of my coworkers has been playing the All Christmas, All the Time radio station in her office for a full two weeks. I was under the impression that is was the earliest acceptable time to begin putting up Christmas decorations and singing Christmas songs was the day after Thanksgiving -- and even that seems like pushing it. I have no problem with some Christmas songs; in fact, I adore God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen (especially the Barenaked Ladies version), and I'll even sing along to The Emancipated Mimi's All I Want for Christmas Is You, if I'm in the right mood. But hearing Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer and I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus for eight hours a day when we're still 24* full days away from the day of The Blessed Event is getting on my nerves. To say the least.

*Side note: 24 is coming back in January! Just saw an ad last night**

**While I was watching some things MY WONDERFUL TIVO had taped for me. Sorry, just had to pimp the Tivo some more. It is the single best invention since... well, ever.

And then there's the shopping. For the presents. I thank the sweet baby Jesus that Joel, my family, and I have been able to come to a cease-fire agreement on this front, because otherwise I'd be going crazy already. Joel's birthday is next week, three weeks before Christmas, which means that I have to come up with two present ideas for The Man that Has Everything in the same month. And then my brother's birthday is in the beginning of January, and my mother's is in February. Luckily, Joel and I agreed not to do presents for Christmas, since my birthday is also very near December 25th***

*** I am trying very, very hard not to freak out. I am OK with turning 26. I've been saying I'm 26 in my head for two months already, in preparation. But I still don't feel 26.

So anyway, I've called a gift armistice with Joel, and with my brothers, which helps a lot. My friends and I agreed to forgo all gifts years ago, and instead we all get together during the holidays for a wine-filled, diet-busting, make-the-waiter blush-with-our-lack-of-modesty, dinner during the holidays years ago, which is probably why I love my friends so much. So now there's just my parents, and oh yeah: THE OFFICE.

I think my office is a little more... involved than normal with the Christmas Crazy. Not only do they do a 12 Days of Christmas Secret Santa thingy, they also have a White Elephant Game. And then they all give each other personal gifts, as well. I got sucked into The Twelve Days of Hell the first year I worked here, because I'd only been working here for a few weeks, and I felt bad saying no. Besides, how bad can it be?

Bad. Really Bad.

If you are lucky enough to participate in The 12 Days of Crazy, you get assigned a name of someone else in the office. Then, each day, starting on December 1st, you have to give them a gift. And it has to be secret. They are very big on the secret part. You can't just leave it in the person's mailbox, oh no... beacuse someone might SEE YOU! You can't write their name on it in your own handwriting, because they might be able to sneak into your office and steal something off your desk to compare it to, and figure you out! Last year people were making up elaborate poems and giving false hints and having other people deliver their gifts, all in order to throw their giftee off track. People came in on days they'd called in sick just so their person wouldn't be able to figure them out.

Here's an email that went out last week:

Just a reminder that SECRET SANTA starts on Friday Dec.1st. It includes the weekends!!! You can bring in three on Friday or one on Friday and then three on Monday. That means that the are 12 gifts to be given to your Secret Santa person, plus on the 13th the big gift. Do not hand your gift to you person.....have someone else deliverer it for you so that it stays a SECRET!!!!!!!!! Leave it on their desk when they are away, leave it in their mailbox........Have lot's of FUN!!!! Then the big Gift for your Secret Santa bring in on the 13th and just put their name it. If anyone is still unclear call me..............

And here's another that went out yesterday:

Tomorrow is the Big Day!!!!!!!!

The first day of Secret Santa!!!!!!!

Three gifts tomorrow or if you want bring in three on Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And on Monday, I would bet Rudolph’s red nose that the rain of emails saying “OMG, THANX 2 MY SECRET SANTA, UR THE BEST I LOVE THE CANDLE THANKS ITS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED!!!!!!!!!!1!1” will begin pouring into my inbox.

When the illustrious twelve days come to a close, we’ll have our Christmas breakfast, were the Secret Santas will be revealed, and then we’ll play the White Elephant Game, which I would describe except I can’t remember the rules, because I was so busy trying not to burst out laughing that I couldn’t really pay attention. It’s sort of like Asshole, which I actually have no idea how to play, because every time I re-learn it, I’m drunk. Man, the Christmas breakfast would be a lot more fun if I were drunk. I should really look into that this year.

I always thought that Secret Santa was invented to take the place of giving gifts to all your coworkers/family/fellow citizens. But apparently I was wrong. Because in my office, everyone in my smaller team also gives gifts to each other. I was completely shocked by this my first year, because OH MY GOD, DO YOU PEOPLE EVER STOP? And then I had to lie and say that I forgot my presents at home, make a crazed trip to Pier One, and then bring my crappy gifts in when the office re-opened.

And this year, we’re also “adopting” a family and buying gifts for them…. Which I think is totally awesome. And I contributed to in a flash.

The thing is, I actually love Christmas. I love getting together with my family, and seeing old friends when we’re all back in New Jersey. I love having time off from work to relax and cozy up with a cup of hot chocolate and sit on the couch and watch movies all day because it’s too cold to go outside. I just hate the commercialization of the holidays, there I said it. It sounds so trite when you say it like that, doesn’t it?

Nothing reminded me of how crazy people get, and how sad it is than standing outside a Best Buy at 4:30am, watching eye each other up, mentally trying to calculate who they could knock over in order to get to the Nintendo Wiis first.

IT'S ALL MADNESS, MADNESS I TELL YOU! DON'T BE SUCKED INTO THE LIGHT! BURN YOUR CREDIT CARDS NOW!! THE END IS COMING, YOU MUST REPENT!!!1

Yikes, sorry about that I feel a little woozy. I think I need to go sit my hypocritical, judgemental rear on my commercially produced couch and drink some wine that I probably got as a Christmas gift last year. And maybe hum a non-denominational holiday tune or something.

...but we’re still not getting a Christmas tree. I still stand firm in my belief that two indoor + indoor tree = not a good idea. And we don’t have space. Maybe if Santa brings me a bigger house (preferably with more than one closet and a breakfast bar)…. maybe then we’ll talk.

Comments

[Carolyn J.]

Now you must go get a screwdriver and remove the ! key from every keyboard in the office. Now THAT's a good Christmas gift.

They advertise the all-Xmas radio on American stations here and it cracks me up.

[Lisa B]

We had the smallest house. SO we never had a tree. SO last year when we finally moved, we got a tree. And I forgot how much work that is. Gah. SO no tree = less work. More time for chocolate!