My Cat Went to the Vet, and All I Got Was This Lousy Flesh Wound

Oh, hey guys.  Did I say I would post pictures of our Christmas/New Years "tomorrow"?  You know I meant "whenever", right.

Believe it or not, I did load onto the computer yesterday.  It was super easy, since Joel got this amazing new camera with his Sony credit card rewards points, which he had been saving for about 22 years.  It is slim and cute and white and looks just like a little Ipod, unlike our old camera, which was giant and heavy and needed to be lugged around in a case around your neck.   The new camera just slides up and down to turn off, while the old camera had a sweet lens cap that was always falling off inside the giant case and getting lost.  Best of all, the new camera has an all-in-one cord, making transferring pictures much, much easier.  Oh, and the pictures it takes are not blurry, nor are they color-distorted, which is also nice. 

Despite how easy that was, I didn't get a chance to load them on here, because: work.  It is killing me.  And today, I have a little more time, but I feel like talking about the worst visit to the vet EVER, because my arm still hurts.

Back before Henry made his Great Escape, I had scheduled a vet appointment for him to get microchipped and neutered.  It was supposed to be last night.  I never canceled it because I am lazy and I forgot and I was still secretly hoping that Henry would turn up.  Since he didn't, the vet called to see if we wanted to cancel our appointment.  I decided that instead, I would keep the appointment and just take Madison in to get microchipped, since I have been meaning to get this done for, oh... a year or so.  Madison runs away at least three times a day, and one of my greatest fears is that one day, instead of going straight for the alley to sniff our neighbor's plants, he will realize there is a whole wide street and city and world out there, and he will be Lost For Real.   Believe it or not, Joel is the one pushing for this microchipping more than anyone, because he claims he does not want to deal with my constant pet-loss-paranoia any more.  And he is right.   There is no more reason to put this off. 

So, I decided to take the cats in separately, which is proof that, occasionally, a single lucid thought does waft through my brain.  Madison got to be first because I didn't feel like carrying Max 4 blocks, and my car was parked far away.  I rushed home from work, got out the carrier, and managed to trick Mads into eating one of the tranquilizer pills the vet gave me the last time he was there, which was over 2 years ago.  They were over a year expired, but I figured what the hell.  Can't hurt, right?

We got to the vet right on time, and took a seat to wait our turn.  I made mistake #1 when I let a dog that looked like some kind of husky mix come over and sniff Madison's carrier.  I thought he wouldn't mind, since he has no problem with dogs.  He even seems to like them.  The dog's owner remarked at what a calm, nice kitty Madison was.  I was tempted to laugh, but I held my tongue and agreed that yes, he was behaving himself very nicely.  I think that when I passed her half an hour later, dripping blood and shaking, she realized that looks can be deceiving.

Then in came an extremely rambunctious golden retriever, practically dragging her owner behind.  Ms. Thang proceeded to start a hump fest with the Husky-type dog and another lab that was waiting.  A very loud, animated doggie orgy.  And then the Husky-dog remembered his new Cat Friend, and decided he should have a piece of this Hot Golden Action.  This riled Madison up, just a tad.

Mistake #2 was forgetting that Madison can turn into the Tasmanian Devil on command.  Once we went into the exam room, he grudgingly came out of his cage, and stood on the scale.  Then he decided he didn't like the way the vet was looking at him, so when she tried to look in his ear, he took at deep breath, and then started spinning his head around in full circles, claws flying.   I made mistake #3 by trying to restrain him without putting on a full set of body armor, and for this transgression, Madison decided I deserved to have my arm ripped out of its socket. 

A vet tech who is "good with difficult animals" was brought in.  A towel was used.  Curses and claws flew, and the vet realized that this was just not going to happen.  We're going to have to sedate him, she decided.

Oh, I already gave him the pill before we came, I told her.  She tried not to laugh, and left the room.  She came back with a big needle, and somehow managed to stick Madison through the towel.  Then she and the vet tech left the room "to give him some time to calm down".

I stayed in the room with Mads still flailing under the blanket, and just like magic, his movements got slower and slower, until finally he just conked out.

Not so tough now, are you big guy?

After about 10 minutes, the vet came back and lifted the towel off, and there was Madison, completely limp.  At first, it was really disconcerting to see him like that, especially because his wide open eyes gave the impression that he was just paralyzed, and busily plotting to kill me in my sleep for this indignity.  After the vet assured me that, just like with human anesthesia, he would have no memory of this time, it started to be sort of funny.  The vet checked his teeth, poked him all over, gave him his vaccines, and injected the microchip, all without so much as a blink out of Madison.  Then she took the opportunity to clip all his nails and comb out a mat in his hair.  When she asked me if there was anything else we should get done while he was asleep, all I could think of was to brush him, since he'd take off your head before he let a brush touch the hair he spends so many hours styling, and so she handed me a brush and I proceeded to remove enough fluffy hair from his coat to stuff an entire shipment of cute Ikea throw pillows.  And then we noticed that there was blood seeping through my pink JCrew sweater.  I pulled up the sleeve and found this:

This is after the vet cleaned it!  After it had been treated by a medical professional!  I swear, it looked a lot worse than that in person. 

I immediately started to gag, because I cannot stand the sight of blood.  And then I gagged some more, and when I started to shake, the vet left Madison passed out on his towel and ushered me to the bathroom, where she washed my arm with veterinary antiseptic and tried to assure me that I wasn't going to die.  Unless it swelled up more, or started to itch, or a rash formed, in which case she said I should go to the ER. 

Ow.

After she bandaged me up, I went back to wait with Madison until he woke up.  I passed the time by reading the book that has taken over my life, and when he started to wake up I almost felt sorry for him.  He looked so confused and would use all his might to lift his head a centimeter, only to have it fall back down.  But then I looked at my bloody arm, and I didn't feel bad for him anymore.

But wait, there's more.  Mistake #5 came when I decided to drive home, since my car was only a block away.  I thought, hey, I'll just drive, since I don't feel like carrying this cat with my busted arm, and my car's right here, and I should move it closer to the house anyway.  After half an hour of driving around looking for a new parking spot, I ended up parking in a spot would have comfortable fit a matchbox car, which was even FARTHER away than my old spot.

Oh, and even though the microchip itself only cost $38.50, Madison's little antics pushed the bill for this visit up to $153.45.

When we finally got home, I kept Madison in the carrier for about an hour, because 1. the vet recommended it, and 2. I didn't feel like being mauled by my own pet twice in the same night.  After listening to him growl and rattle around while we watched a thrilling episode of our new favorite show, Man vs. Wild, we opened the cage and stepped back.

What ensued was just short of hysterical, maybe because I'd lost a little blood, maybe because I was really tired, or maybe because payback really is a bitch.  Whatever the reason, watching Madison stumble around the living room, tripping over his own four feet made my night a little brighter.  It was so funny to me, that I decided to use our new camera to take a video of it.   I don't feel bad, not one bit, for mocking his confusion and mental anguish.  Please see references to $153 and BLOODY ARM above for my reasoning.

[video has since been removed, because as it turns out, I don't know how to properly insert video clips]

In the video, it takes Max approximately 40 seconds to decide that he wants to leave the room because HEY, GUYS SOMEONE LET A DRUNK FERRET IN HERE, but we kept the door shut so that Madison couldn't fall down the stairs and further injure himself (therefore requiring another vet visit, God forbid), and at :45, Max actually hisses at Madison.  I have only heard Max hiss once before, and that was when a strange man was trying stick a thermometer up his butt in a room filled with pictures of snakes.  Madison tries to slit Max's jugular with his claws on a daily basis, but apparently Max found his stoned stumbling very threatening.  After that, Madison lurches around for another two full minutes before I realize, hey, this is boring, I should turn off the camera.   There is a guest appearance by our Tivo and my new purse, though.

You can send my Grammy directly to my home address.

Comments

[Mary]

I'll be damned if My Sister's Keeper didn't take over my life too when I read it. Damn that Jodi Picoult.

And I go through the same thing with my family's cat everytime we go to the vet. Thank god for towels. Maybe we should try kitty tranquilizers next time...

[Jemima]

Beulah can relate. She got her nub clawed by Holly's two evil cats about sixteen times a day while they were here. I'm not a big fan of cats right now, considering Fat Charlie and Sadie puked on my desk ALMOST ON MY LAPTOP, and shed everywhere and got litter all over the house. I think I prefer animals who stay on the GROUND and only have one pointy area instead of five. I hope your puncture wound heals. And squirt Madison with a water gun if he gives you any crap.

[Kirsten]

If you post something today, I'll comment again, but just wanted to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :)
hope you get spoiled on your bday!!
Kirsten