Miami, continued

One of the very few friends-in-real-life that reads this blog -- let's call her "Liz" since I am too tired to make up any more semi-clever fake friend names -- called me last night to tell me that she was very disappointed in me for saying that I was contemplating posting the worst picture ever taken of me, and then neglecting to actually post said portrait.  Internet, I must apologize if I misled you.  I am still going to post the picture.  We just haven't gotten to that part of the story yet -- the part where I drink an excessive amount of alcohol and bust a move with a rastafarian man on the dancefloor.   But we will.  Yes, we will.  And I'm quite sure that I will regret it, but that's what the "edit post" button is for, right? 

Right?

When we left off, my friends and I were napping/drinking/watching Pussycat Dolls: The Search for the Next Doll in our hotel room while it rained outside.  When the rain cleared, we headed out to the main strip of South Beach for our last night in Miami.  Our objectives were: 1. Find and consume Cuban food, 2. Dance, 3. Get as much Miami fla-vah as possible. 

(Side note: I haven't watched the PCD finale yet, but I did see that Asia won.  What?  Eff that.  Asia was such a passive aggressive drama queen.  I was rooting for Chelsea, but WHATEVER.  The Dolls can make it up to me in Season 2 -- which according to the CW's website, is currently auditioning)

We wandered around South Beach, and quickly settled on a place called Mango's for it's 110% Miami vibe.  The waitresses were dressed in the most horrific and yet wonderful outfits I've ever seen in.my.life.  Each one had a different version of an animal print body suit.  Some were see-through.  Some had strategic parts cut out of the fabric -- leaving their thighs covered, but their asses completely bare, for instance.  They were all wearing at least 4 inch heels, and when they weren't serving, they were dancing in the street or on the bar.  Oh, and the men?  Were all wearing leopard print vests with nothing underneath. 

Awesome.

They had the sort of drinks you'd imagine an outdoor Miami restaurant would have -- margaritas, mojitos, what have you.  As I perused the menu, one particular drink called the "South Beach Iced Tea" caught my eye.  You see, I have a sordid love affair with Long Island Iced Teas.  I'm a lady who love a bargain, and when it comes to getting the most bang for your drinking buck, LITs are the way to go.  When made well, they are delicious.  When made poorly, they taste like vodka.  Either way, they get the job done and they don't mess around.  And those are the qualities I look for in a man drink.  The description for the South Beach Iced Tea read Long Islands not strong enough for you?  Try our South Beach version!  Sign me up!

Now, when we were making the trip down, I told Jenny that I was not planning to get all-out wasted on this vacation, because I did not come to Miami to spend half the weekend hungover, wishing I were dead.  Which is what happens every time I partake in hard liquor nowadays.  My plan was to drink in moderation, have an awesome time, and then sleep it off on the beach sans headache.  That plan went out the window when I saw the words Ice Tea on the menu.  I'm in Miami!  Let's get wild!  Screw moderation!

Which is how I went from this:

to this:

in the space of an hour.

(That is my second South Beach Iced Tea, right there.  When it arrived, I knew I was in trouble, because it tasted to me like they'd forgotten to add the alcohol.  What!  Why are they trying to give me fruit punch and pretend it's a cocktail??  Does this restaurant thing I'm too drunk for a second drink or something? I had everyone else taste it to make sure I wasn't getting screwed out of my money's worth of liquor, and they confirmed that, in fact, it tasted like rubbing alcohol.  Sweet, sweet, goodness.

When we got up to leave, I realized that either there was plenty-o-alcohol in that last drink, or Miami was having a minor earthquake that no one else seemed to be noticing.   

A few minutes down the street, we spotted a restaurant with the word "Cuban" on it's awning, and in we went.  The food was great, and I'm sure my drink was too, but I can't really remember because I was mesmerized my the way Jenny and KP were killing off their 45-oz margaritas.  It was truly an amazing sight.

Wow is right.

With a little help, KP finished hers off as well, and at this point I'd say I was no longer the drunkest one of the group.

After this, we only had one thing left on our to-do list: dance.  And so we went into the first "club" we saw.  I put that in quotes because this was not the kind of club where you pay cover and bump elbows with celebrities.  It was more the type of club you find on the each in Cancun.  Which was awesome, because there was no cover.

The night deteriorated quickly from there.  I paid $7 for some kind of mixed drink that tasted mighty weak to me.  There was a guy we referred to as "scrunchy man", who was trying to seduce every woman who came within 10 feet of him with his off-white scrunchy and his flowing blonde curls.  There was an old guy who was dancing with what appeared to be his scantily clad wife and daughter... and then the two women started posing in sexual positions while the old man took pictures with a disposable camera.  There was a bachelor party of about 15 guys that were all wearing bright orange shirts with the groom-to-be's face screen printed on the front.

What I'm saying is, I think we fit right in.

Eventually, Melly and Jenny got "tired" and decided to go home, while Bethy, KP and I stayed.  Because, obviously, we hadn't gotten in enough fun yet.

We kept dancing.

And dancing.

And dancing.

And then this lovely man started trying to dance with us.  We told him "no thanks" about 27 different ways, ranging from just walking away to looking him in the eye and saying "I'm a lesbian, and these are my girlfriends, so back off", none of which worked. 

Here I am politely trying to tell him that I don't dance with men who wear rastafari hats.

And here he is not listening.

When I drink, I smile nonstop, but trust me: I was not pleased.   We tried several more times to get him to just LEAVE US ALONE, but he since he would not, we decided it was time to leave.

Honestly, it's easy to see why he was so persistent.  I mean, wouldn't you want to dance with someone who looked like this?

I cannot believe that I am allowing the internet to see this picture.  I almost died of embarrassment when I showed it to Joel, and he's seen that version of me live and in person many times.  But there's something about seeing photographic evidence of your sexiness that is a little... horrifying.  Joel's only comment?  "Your hair looks really good".  Seriously.  That's what he said.  I was too distracted by the vein popping out of my forehead, the tongue hanging out of my mouth, and the thoroughly disturbing pose THAT I WAS APPARENTLY DOING IN PUBLIC to notice my hair.  So it's a good thing he pointed that out.

And after that, we took a cab home, went to sleep, and the trip was over.   Thank goodness, because clearly Miami could not handle much more of me.

So, Lizzy, there it is.  The Worst Picture of Me Ever.  Are you happy now?  Do you promise not to mock me?   Will you still take Henry for a "vacation" when you move to your big new house?  Do you want me to never call you again?

Comments

[janet]

I can tell I would love your friends because I have the same taste in booze!

And that picture? Definitely not that bad, really. I was expecting way worse!

[Alyndabear]

Ohhhh I love, love, love these past two posts Jen! They look like such fun and drunkeness (and MY god they serve booze in big glasses over there!)

You're gorgeous. And I'm happy to say that I'm also known as Drunk RedFace when I happen to er, partake in alcohol related activities. :)

Squee!

[Courtney]

Hi! Stopping by from Hola Isabel...

FYI, Joel was right - your hair looks fantastic! I kid you not, it was the first thing I thought when I saw the pic.

:)

[Joke]

bwaahh haaa haaaa
best picture ever! I think you look hot (both in temperature AND looks) and sexy and funloving.

:)

[heidikins]

That's not nearly as bad as I was expecting! You don't have odd facial contortions, and while your body stance is a little, uh,unusual - you still look good!

Sounds like you had a blast! Yay Miami! :)