I CAN HAS AMNESTY?

So, there's this gym I go to.  There are some things that suck about this gym: there is a 30-minute limit on all machines, the signup sheet is completely filled for the afternoon by 10am, and there is a very weird old man who likes to do pelvic gyration exercises in public view. There are also some great things about this gym: it's close to my office (and by close, I mean on the same block), the cardio machines all have their own personal flat screen TV with cable, and possibly best of all, during the two years I've been watching Gilmore Girls reruns from 5-6pm while simultaneously getting my ass in shape, I have not paid a dime.  At first, my department paid for my membership.  Then that perk was axed, a few months later my membership officially expired, and I have been gyming it up illegally since then.  They never checked my ID even when I had a paid membership, so I figured NOT having a paid membership would really make no difference.  And for about a year I was right, and I happily waltzed past the card reader every afternoon (oh, who am I kidding, SOME AFTERNOONS) and worked out for free.   The bored, young desk attendants were much too engrossed in IMing their friends and watching full episodes of Heroes on the internet to care if people were swiping in or not.

And then the sign appeared.  PLEASE SWIPE IN BEFORE ENTERING GYM.   I politely declined this polite suggestion.  Instead I just sped up as I walked by the swiper-thing, making sure I was too thoroughly engrossed in drinking my water/listening to my imaginary iPod/searching through my gym bag to make eye contact with the desk attendant.

And then, yesterday, I saw someone being gently reminded to swipe their ID card.  Which, you know, I don't have.

BUSTED.

I decided that since I've been freeloading all this time, I really can't complain about paying (it's $30 a month, BTW, which is not really bad, right?) now.  And so, this afternoon, I moseyed over to the main office to sign up for a real, valid membership.  I went to the main office on purpose, because it's two blocks away from "my" gym, and I was hoping that whoever was working there wouldn't recognize me.  Since I'm so unforgettable and all.

I walked in and was relieved to see a guy that I vaguely recognized working the desk -- PHEW, I was afraid it would be one of the dudes that I see every day (again, who am I kidding, a few times a week) and then I'd have to run away and come back another day.  Or send my coworker to sign up for me.  Or just never go to the gym again.  Have I mentioned that I have a paralyzing fear of being caught doing something wrong?   It doesn't stop me from speeding, jaywalking, or using the express checkout when I have 16 items in my cart... but it does make me start to cry whenever I think I'm "in trouble".  This has worked to my advantage in certain situations -- say, every time I've ever been pulled over for speeding.  It's true, cops CANNOT give a ticket to a crying woman, try it yourself the next time you've been pulled over (it also helps if you undo a button on your shirt and mention that you just got your period so you're really emotional right now) (not that I've ever done those things personally).  It's not so helpful in professional situations, or, apparently, when you're trying to sign up for a gym membership.

Me: (with a big confident smile) Hi, I'd like to sign up for a membership.

Gym guy: (looks at me) Don't you already have a membership?

Me: (shitting my pants) Uh, no.

Gym guy: But I see you at the gym all the time.

Me: Um...uh... funny thing....

Gym guy: Weren't you just up there yesterday? 

Me: (now sweating profusely, face bright red) Um, so anyway, I'd like to sign up for a membership...

Gym guy: OMG! You've been sneaking in all this time?

Me: Well, no... see, I used to have a membership, but then it, uh, expired, and, um, Hi!  I'd like to sign up for a membership!

He continued to rib me while I filled out the application, at one point calling over the security guard and requesting that I be handcuffed and taken to jail.  He was very nice about it.  And the whole time I'm trying not to cry and thinking OMG OMG WHY DIDN'T I SEND MY COWORKER OVER HERE TO SIGN UP FOR ME DON'T CRY DON'T CRY WHO CARES IF SHE'S JAPANESE, MY LICENSE PICTURE IS SO BAD THAT NO ONE COULD TELL ANYWAY OMG AM SUCH AN IDIOT DON'T CRY I SHOULD JUST RUN AWAY NOW AND NEVER COME BACK DON'T CRY.

And apparently that internal monologue interfered with my usually stellar form filling-out skillz, because after I handed him the completed application and RAN out of there, I heard a voice calling out after me.

"Jennifer!  Jennifer!  Come back!"

OMG HE KNOWS MY NAME I'M GOING TO JAIL HOW DOES HE KNOW MY NAME?

Right, because I just filled out a form with, among other things, MY NAME.  I filled out the 3 sections I'd somehow skipped, resisted the urge to cry, and ran back to work.

All this before noon, peoples. 

And guess who's too chicken to go to the gym today?  I mean, it's way too nice to run inside today, I'm going to take advantage of the lovely sun and run outside and enjoy nature.  Yes, nature, that's it.

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Also, I ordered about 150 prints of vacation pictures last week, even though I knew in my heart that Kodak would announce a sale the minute I hit "complete order".  I was too impatient to start my scrapbook totally non-dorky photo album to wait.   Guess what came today.  GUESS.  If you guessed the Labor Day Kodak Print Sale, you're right!  You win... a free gym pass, valid today only.  Disguise required.

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Also, did you know that it's not Friday today?  What is up with that?  I think it should be Friday.   I NEED it to be Friday.

Comments

[Jemima]

Oh my GOD, I would have totally died. It would have been like that scene in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen when Dorian Gray sees his portrait and shrieks and withers and his head spins off. Yep, that would have been me. I HATE that kind of confrontation. I HATE getting busted.

I think I'm having vicarious horror pains, because I suddenly feel the need to cry and eat chocolate.

[Marriage-101]

That is just too funny! You were so busted! Hey, take it as a compliment that the guy noticed you, which means he was totally checking you out the day before. Silver lining!

[Nap Queen]

My palms got sweaty just reading that. I feel all panicky and stuff, too.

Friday (and more importantly, jeans day at work) is just 2 hours away, sweet baby jeesus.

[elise]

That was awesome. Thanks for posting it; I was in a terrible mood and that helped quite a bit.

Also! V. jealous about the working out several times per week. Must get my ass in gear. Thanks for that, too :)

[alyndabear]

Oh noooooo! You sound just like me, except that I'd be much too chicken to actually go in for free. I'd pay, and then complain about it. Because I'm a wimp, you see?

[Erika]

ROFL...good for you for signing up. I probably would never have gone back. Not that I go to a gym at all, close to my office or not.

Kodak always gets me like that. It drives me NUTS!! (JCPenney too)

[Laurel]

I live in fear of getting busted!!! For anything!! Fear of authority 4 EVER!!!

I am excited to see your non-dorky photo album. I aspire to be a non-dorky photo album creator, but I fail.

Have a great long weekend, you badass.

[Audrey]

I, too, would have died and then cried a lot. I admire your ability to hold your shit together better than I could.

[Lindsey]

I also live in fear of getting busted for anything. I get so panicked when I've even messed something up at work, which thank goodness, happens very, very rarely.

I would have died. You are so brave. $30 is very cheap for the gym. I pay $54 and let me tell you, we do not have nifty machines with TVs. There is never a wait to get a machine though!