Cell phone rage

Awhile back I mentioned that I hate my new phone and Erika mentioned right back that she would LOVE to a post listing all the many, many reasons why this is so.  Well, I aim to please people.  Let the raging commence.

The first problem is that I really hate replacing things that are perfectly good.  My old phone was fine.  It worked.  I knew how to use it.  It wasn't supersleek or stylish, but it was good enough.  And then Verizon started sending me emails that it was time for my "new every two" phone.  I ignored their emails.  This was back in May.  I would have been happy to continue to ignore their emails, living in happy ignorance with my aging but utilitarian phone.  But Joel would hear none of that.  You can't just pass up FREE STUFF, he said.  Let's go to the Verizon store and check out all the cool new phones you can get!

I thought that sounded like an awful lot of work.   So I decided I would just go online and order a new phone.  And then I promptly forgot about the whole thing.

Until I went to a certain bachelorette party and was blown away by my friend Jenny's supercool texting phone.  It had a full keyboard!  And it took great pictures!  And she could text people in about 1/10th of the time I could.  Not that I really text that often, but I WANT to be a texter.  I decided I needed a new phone rightnowOMGandIwantonejustlikeyours.

I went home and immediately got on the Verizon site.  Unfortunately, the phone Jenny had wasn't a Samsung, and I wanted to stick to Samsung so that I wouldn't have to get all new accessories.  My old phone was a Samsung and I figured that if I showed a little brand loyalty, I'd be able to use my spare charger, car charger, and hands free set with my new phone.  I found a Samsung that had a full keyboard and I hit "buy".

The next day it arrived. 

And that is when the poop hit the fan. 

First of all, all Samsungs are not created equal.   My old charger does not fit my new phone.  Which means I need to shell out for a new hands-free set and a new car charger.  Or just go back to living without these commodities, which, so far, is going OK.  This was annoying, but hey.  My own stupid fault for not researching the new phone more carefully.

The real problem started when I went to test out the ringtones on my new fancy phone.  My old phone had a ringtone that I LOVED, it was a little melody that has already slipped from my brain into oblivion.  Come back, my beloved song!  I can't even remember what you sounded like.   The ringtones offered on the new phone are beyond awful.  There is not a single option that I wouldn't be humiliated to have go off in a public place.  One sounds like La Cucaracha.  Another is more like some sort of techno-mambo.  Trust me when I tell you they are all AWFUL.  There is no standard ring ring.  Even the "Bell 1" and "Bell 2" make me want to stab a carrot peeler in my eardrum.  So I have my ringtone set so low that I never hear my phone ringing, which is very efficient and useful way to use a telephone.  I suppose I have to download a ringtone like all the kids are doing these days, but that just sounds so... hard.  I just don't want to.  I want my phone to come with at least one decent ring.  Is that so much to ask?

Apparently so.

Speaking of downloading things, guess what I discovered the first time I was bored in a taxi and decided to see what sorts of games my fancy new cell phone had to offer?   NO GAMES.  Oh, you can download lots of fancy games!  For just a small monthly fee!  What's that, you don't like paying monthly fees?  Well for just a slightly higher one-time payment, you can have unlimited access to games like Sonic the Hedgehog and Tetris Mania!

Fuck that.  I'm not paying for cell phone games.

Also, Mr. New Phone is not at all intuitive.  That sucks, but with some practice I'm now starting to catch on to his little tricks.   Like, when I hear a beep signaling that I've gotten a text message, I know to open the phone in rotated mode just in case I should want to reply using the qwerty keyboard WHICH WAS AFTER ALL THE WHOLE REASON I GOT THIS STUPID PHONE.   Because if I open the phone in regular mode (like a regular phone) and open the text, I cannot simply rotate the phone to reply.  It will close out the second I go into rotated mode and pretend like it didn't know that I was looking at that text message.  Oh, I thought you were done with that, it says.  I'm sorry, now you'll have to start all over from the main menu.  What were you doing again?  Trying to download some games for a small nominal fee, right? 

Hmmm, what else?  There's the fact that although I have a full qwerty keyboard which is visible in phone mode, I also have tiny abc associated with the 2-key, def with the 3-key and so on.  And if I am scanning through my phone book to make a call, and I want to say, call JENNY.  WHO TRICKED ME INTO THIS WHOLE MESS WITH HER FANCY PHONE.  I cannot hit the big "J" button.  That is just a tease.  I need to hit the 5 button, which also means jkl, but only in phone mode!  In rotated mode that key means D.  Don't get confused! 

Also, the front display when the phone is closed goes inactive after 1.2 seconds.   I like to use my phone as a watch, and now I have to go to the trouble of opening it up when I want to know what time it is.  Sigh.  Just thinking about all the energy THAT takes is making me tired.

But I'm OK, internet.  I'm going to a support group and I'm learning how to channel  my anger in positive ways, like texting all my friends OMG THIS PHONE TOTALLY SUX WANT TO THROW DOWN SEWER DRAIN.

Which reminds me that I really need to go and sign up for a texting plan, because i have a feeling that when I get the fancy bill for this fancy phone I am going to realize just how fast 15 fancy cents per message can give a girl a heart attack.

But I don't hate it anymore.  Really, I don't.  As soon as I figure out how to download the theme song to It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia as my ringtone, I might even be able to say we're friends.

Comments

[RA]

Oh, my goodness. I need to avert my eyes to avoid the lasers that are shooting out of this post. Totally understandable, of course! I swear that cell phone designers must not use their own phones. Can you change a setting for how long the light on your phone will stay on? Or is that buried deep within the catacombs of your not intuitive phone?

Also, you get a point for using "hijinx" in a sentence.

[-R-]

1. That phone sounds like the most confusing thing ever. I am glad I don't send text messages.

2. It is a "qwerty" keyboard, not "querty." Maybe you know that but just like typing "u" after "q."

3. The theme from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia would be the perfect ring tone! That is a fabulous idea!

[Stephanie]

Cell phones blow in general. I am not a texter but it is because my phone doesn't allow me to send or or recieve. As in someone sends me something saying see you tomorrow at 2 and i call them later in a huff trying to figure out when we are meeting up. And this phone is less than 6 months old. WTF?

[Laurel]

I think the cell phone upgrade game is crap. I swear that if I hadn't dropped it in a toilet my senior year of college, I'd still be rocking my circa 2000 Kyocera!

[Angela]

My God that sounds complicated... I hope that with time a little more time everything will start to seem like second nature. A phone should just not cause that much stress!

[Erika]

OKAY. I kept waiting for my shout out in this post and it never came. I hope it's obvious to everyone that you sat at the opposite end of the table from me at our DCBLOGHER because that phone is the same as mine, right down to the hideous gold color (I let my husband have the black one). I agree, the rings suck and I figured it was because everyone buys them now.

Also, my husband showed me if you hold down one of the volume keys on the side of the phone for a few seconds, the backlight comes on so you can see the time (I don't wear a watch either).

AND...one last thing. Mine stopped working a few weeks ago (the inside screen was white) and Verizon replaced it since it was within the 12 month warranty.

[Operation Pink Herring]

I was trying to work the shout out in during the whole post, but then the rage just took hold of me and I forgot! That has been corrected.

I was pretty sure that it was the same phone you had, but I didn't want to mention it because I totally freaked someone at work out yesterday. I have only met him a few times and we have never talked about phones, but someone mentioned that he had a blackberry and I said "I think it's actually a Treo, right?"... and he was all UM FREAKY CAN SOMEONE GET THIS STALKER AWAY FROM ME?

[janet]

I hate my phone, but know what I hate even more? buying anything new phone related or paying anything extra to phone companies? HATE. So I just try to squeeze every last drop of life out of my phones until they literally fall apart. No wonder I hate them so much.

[heidikins]

Just upgraded my phone as well, and am finally happy to be rid of the blasted RAZR. Ugh, what a horrible phone.

xox

[Audrey]

Tim was THISCLOSE to getting that phone before he changed his mind in the store and got the LG enV instead. After reading this, I'm so glad he made that last-minute decision. I'm really sorry you're stuck with such an annoying phone.

[Danielle]

Definitely get a text msg plan. I found out the hard way how fast 15 cents per msg can add up.

And thank goodness my cell phone came back from the dead after it was dropped into the bathtub. I thought it was gone for good so I went out and bought one of those smartphones and hated it so much that I think my old phone sensed my anger and resurrected itself.

[Kirsten]

I thought i was supposed to get a new phone every year..so i'm all excited about upgrading thinking I could do it this month. OH NO! you signed a 2 year contract..so you only get a new phone every 2 yrs. What the F?! what benefits do I get for signing up for 2 years?! Let's hope my phone will last another 12 months!

[Phoenix]

Its dumb that they won't let you exchange the phone (right?)... I doubt I'll ever be cool enough to have a cellphone with a keyboard, that all sounds so complicated! And totally hop on a txt plan... We don't have one, and after like a really small amount of texts our bill had jumped $3. (Okay, not much, but hey, we almost can't afford the $86 bill as it is, so any extra is a huge shock.)

[Lindsey]

I just got a new phone from Verizon because I was up for a free one ages ago. I didn't get anything fancy, but it was still an upgrade compared to my last phone, which didn't even have a camera. It was old. I'm not into all of the high tech phones...I like to keep it simple stupid.