Goodbye, baby

There was one family member who was palpably absent this Thanksgiving.   Shadow, our family cat, was put to sleep last month after nearly 20 years with our family. 

Tell me this isn't the cutest picture you've ever seen.   I dare you.

We'd prepared ourselves for the end several times over the past few years, but each time Shadow pulled through.   She disappeared for nearly two weeks in 2001, returning just when we'd given up hope of ever seeing her again.   In the summer of 2004 when things weren't looking good, we actually had an appointment to have her put to have her put to sleep, which we canceled at the last minute.   Periodically over the past few years my mom would send emails saying Shadow wasn't eating, Shadow finally had to get a litterbox because she couldn't wait to be let outside, Shadow all of a sudden started drinking a ton of water.  Each time, we thought the end was coming.  Each time, Shadow shook it off and pulled through.

Shadow is obviously extremely terrified of my brother's Darth Vadar shirt.

But last month, it became apparent that this time was different.  Shadow stopped eating and drinking.  She peed on the carpet for the first time in nineteen years.  She started to have trouble breathing and fluid started to drip out of her nose.   It was obvious to all of us that the end had come, and my mom found a vet who would let us bring her in.

OK, maybe THIS is actually the cutest picture you've ever seen.  Michael's adorably pitiful "I'm sick" face kills me.

I wasn't there when it happened, and for that I'm terribly sorry.  That Saturday also happened to be the day that my friend was getting married in Connecticut.  I know that it would have been selfish and unreasonable to have asked Shadow to hang on for another week, when she was obviously in pain and probably would not have made it another seven days.  Both my brothers and my mom were with her at the end.   At the time, I was walking down the aisle in my bridesmaid dress.  I put what was happening at home out of my mind completely, because I couldn't think about it without crying.   I still can't.

My mom couldn't locate picture of Shadow sitting amidst the wreckage of the kick-ass Lincoln Logs ranch I built, which Shadow destroyed by trying to sit down in the living room of the farm house.  Instead, this photo of her obstructing Michael's very important coloring will have to do. 

The day after the wedding in Connecticut, I flew to San Francisco for work.  I talked to my mom while I was waiting in the airport.  Some part of me was hoping that she'd say that Shadow had perked up at the last minute, that she'd looked so great on Saturday morning that they'd canceled the appointment and Shadow was sitting on her lap right now, happily purring. 

 

Do you like my Care Bear Sheets?  On my WATERBED?  Those are the feet of my Rainbow Brite doll up there in the corner.

She didn't say that, of course.  After nineteen and a half years, Shadow was gone.   I cried a little bit in the airport, and then I had to pull myself together for a six hour flight, a long day of work, and then another long flight home to Baltimore.  Even when I got home and I could finally cry about it in the privacy of my own living room, I didn't.  It didn't really seem real.  It didn't hit me until two days later, just as I was getting into bed.   I spent that night sitting on my bathroom floor, crying and writing in my journal and feeling sort of stupid for being so upset over a cat.

Pinwheel, pinwheel, spinning around... look in my pinwheel and see what I found.

But Shadow was not just a cat to us.  Shadow was a member of our family, from the moment she marched into my dad's autoshop in Orange, NJ in 1988. 

She's been at every holiday and birthday celebration for as long as I can remember. 

She was always incredibly tolerant of everything we put her through as kids (and adults, since I was 25 in the picture above), and she was never happier than when she was sitting in a lap.  Even when she was forced to wear a homemade birthday hat (made by yours truly, in case you couldn't tell). 

Actually, there was one place she liked better than a warm lap.  A warm head.

Shadow's absence really hit me this past weekend.  It was the first time that I walked into the house in New Jersey and Shadow wasn't there.  Of course, I knew that this would be the case, but I kept looking for her and then remembering - oh yeah.  Shadow's not here anymore.  It was really, really sad.  Even with the whole family around, there was an emptiness to a pet-free house.

Since I wasn't there for Shadow's last day and the burial that my brothers gave her, my mom had the idea that I could make a gravestone for Shadow using a leftover paving stone and extra tiles from the wall.   That way, I could contribute to her goodbye. 

It was a great idea.  I picked up the stone from my brother's apartment a few weeks ago and worked on it in my kitchen.  On Saturday we placed it together and said goodbye one last time.

I know that everyone thinks that their family pet is the best in the world, but Shadow really was.  Period.  I say this meaning to no offense to the three cats that currently reside with me.  Much as I love them, they are nowhere near as awesome as Shadow.  (For one thing, Max doesn't want to wear the Santa suit I got him.  TOO BAD.  HOHOHO!) 

As much as we all laugh at my mom's requests for "specific pictures", I am really glad she made us take this parallel shot.  I'm not sure what the date on the first photo is, but I'd guess early nineties.  The second one is from September.  It's the last picture we have of the three of us with Shadow.   We were really lucky to have her in our family for nearly twenty years.  And we will all really, really miss her.   

*(A giant thank you to Steve for scanning all those old pictures!)

Comments

[elise]

I am so sorry. We had to put my family dog to sleep last year at just about this time and it was AWFUL.

I do have to tell you though, the picture with Shadow under the covers with your brother? My little brother had THE VERY SAME COVERS! That picture brought back a million memories for me.

[Stephanie]

I cried a little over your story. I can't imagine having a pet that long. I have a 1.5 year old dog and a 7 month old kitten and can't imagine my house without them. I remember the pets we had as kids, but none so vividly as you descibe.

[RA]

What a bummer that you couldn't be at home that weekend and had to fly all over the country, no less! No wonder you were stressed out to the max, what with everything going on.

[for Joke!]

oh my goodness, jen, what a nice post! i loved the photos - those pics are pretty much how you three look in my mind when i think of your family, though of course i know you are not all sub-10 years old anymore.

and i do remember your waterbed, and how much it freaked me out how much it waved and wobbled the first time i slept in it when sleeping over one summer. i am pretty sure it had the carebear sheets too.

but mostly, i am sorry to hear of shadow's going. She was a wonderful cat - i think shadow was the reason MY family wanted cats!

Hugs to you.

[Marriage-101]

Your brother really likes the color red doesn't he?

But I must say, what an adorable kitty! Poor Shadow. She had a great life though, it seems.

And Care Bears and Rainbow Bright? We would've been BFFs as kids.

[Danielle]

What a sweet tribute...my eyes welled up reading your story. (also I really love those last two pictures) :)

[nancypearlwannabe]

Oh no! I'm so sorry. I don't know what I'll do when my cats pass away. Even though they live at my Mom's, I still love them like I did when I lived there too. :(

[Kirsten]

Jen,
what a great post. I'm with Joke- Especially when I think of Michael, that's how i picture him, with his young child face. I guess I see him the very least in order to get a more up to date permanent picture memory of him. (sorry michael! i know you're not 10 anymore).

[alyndabear]

This was beautiful Jen, as someone who has lost two animals in the space of a year, it brought tears to my eyes.

You'll always remember Shadow, especially now with this gorgeous post. Big hugs to you!

[Jemima]

Oh no, poor you. And poor Shadow. What a beautiful blog post. I think there's always one animal in your life that you love best. You may REALLY love others, but there is always one that sticks with you. Shadow sounded like a seriously cool cat, and your whole family was lucky to have known her. Woo Dog was like that. She was a month shy of her 19th birthday when I had to put her to sleep, and trust me when I say it is maybe better that you weren't there when it happened to Shadow, because even if you know you HAVE to, you still feel guilty and horrible about it. It's better that you have these warm memories and stories and photos of her and remember her that way. I know you must miss her. Hugs!

And also, love the Carebear sheets. Love.

[Jemima]

Oh no, poor you. And poor Shadow. What a beautiful blog post. I think there's always one animal in your life that you love best. You may REALLY love others, but there is always one that sticks with you. Shadow sounded like a seriously cool cat, and your whole family was lucky to have known her. Woo Dog was like that. She was a month shy of her 19th birthday when I had to put her to sleep, and trust me when I say it is maybe better that you weren't there when it happened to Shadow, because even if you know you HAVE to, you still feel guilty and horrible about it. It's better that you have these warm memories and stories and photos of her and remember her that way. I know you must miss her. Hugs!

And also, love the Carebear sheets. Love.

[Keri]

That was such a nice post. I am all teary & I am not even a "cat" person. What a great tribute to Shadow

[Katie]

Those parallel photos are beautiful and you will cherish those. I'm sorry Shadow had to go, but it sounds like she had a long and wonderful life with you, full of love and family.

[janet]

What a nice tribute to a sweet, sweet kitty. Shadow sounds perfect! (like not peeing on the carpet in 19 years? Sign me up!)

Also, unrelated, but I had a waterbed too. The 80s rocked.

[Audrey]

I'm so sorry for your loss. She was definitely not just a cat, and it's not silly at all to be so upset about losing her.

[Isabel]

I look at those pictures and read what you have to say about Shadow and I hope that in 20 years Babboo will be able to say the same things about Preston. They aren't friends now, but I know they will be as Babboo gets older and Preston gets more tolerant.

Rest in Peace little Shadow.

[Laurel]

Jen, I'm so sorry that you lost such a great friend and family member. My heart is breaking for your family. It's so hard to lose a pet!

HUGS!!!

[Virginia Gal]

I'm so sorry for your loss. A pet free house really is an empty house, no matter how many people are in it.

[K Joy]

I stumbled upon this site and I LOVE those photos.

My Smootcharina is black and white and those photos remind me of her. Those cats who steal your heart fill holes in your heart and life you never knew you had.

I know Shadow passed over a year ago but I do send thoughts and hope that memories of Shadow are comforting you.
Those photos show true love ~ you to her & her to you.

[Linaka]

It matters not who you love or how you love, only that you love. Shadow inspired more love than any other animal you have known...so it is with my 10 year old Raleigh. I have had other cats and a dog, but Rals is unique in a way that defies explanation. Never be embarrassed by or apologize for your grief..it is the measure of your sincerity.
Bless the beasts...and the children.