Thy leaves are so EXPENSIVE

Execution of an innocent tree from Pink Herring on Vimeo.

So, we got a Christmas tree.   Joel was adamant that, if we did indeed get a tree, it must: 1. Be a real tree, and 2. Be cut down by us. Joel is a bit of a Christmas tree snob, as it turns out, and he looked at the people who were dragging out a huge tree as we walked in with pity in his eyes.  "I don't know why people get White Pines," he said.  "They're not even Christmas trees."

"It looks like a Christmas tree to me... and it has floppy needles, so you don't get stabbed.  Seems pretty smart if you ask m--"

"No.  That's not a Christmas tree."

Ohhhhkay.

So apparently, according to experts, the only true Christmas tree is a Douglas fir.  They all look like pine trees to me, but what do I know?   I'm just the holiday grinch from New Jersey.

We wandered around the "farm" for awhile, looking at the smaller trees.  I really wanted to get the most pathetic-looking tree we could find, because wouldn't that be funny?  Plus, I felt bad for those poor Charlie Brown trees that no one wanted.  Who would give them a home?  Maybe I can sneak back at night and put a few decorations on them.  Maybe I can just put them in my purse and take them home and adopt them.

Anyway, NO.  Joel was not having any of that.  After not too long, we settled on a healthy looking little tree that passed all of Joel's inspections (although he did note that it had some dead needles toward the center, hmmm, that's not a good sign).  Joel sawed it down, which took far less time than I thought it would -- for some reason I thought "chopping down a tree" would be a little more ceremonious than a few swipes with our handsaw -- and we dragged our prize up to the gate to pay.

So, there were no prices posted at this Christmas tree farm.  I guess that should have set off warning bells in my cynical brain, but I sort of figured that it was a Christmas tree farm and so in the spirit of Christmas everyone had to be kind and fair and love one another.  I wasn't really paying attention to the practical aspects of Christmas tree procurement.   Plus, Joel had told me that this place had some free-roaming, real live reindeer, and I wanted to pet them, okay?  (Turns out that was a different place, a different place THAT WE WILL BE GOING TO NEXT YEAR). 

We got up to the gate with our tiny little tree, and the lady said -- and I quote: "Oh, I hate to do this to you sweetie.  But that tree is going to cost you seventy-five dollars."

EXCUSE ME????

"That's a Douglas fir", she continued (I KNEW THAT! DOUGLAS FIRS ARE THE ONLY REAL CHRISTMAS TREES! I WAS PAYING ATTENTION!) "and Douglas firs start at $75.  I really hate to charge you that, but there's nothing I can do."

Joel and I were both dumbfounded, but since we had already cut the tree down, there wasn't really anything we could do.  Since we certainly did not have $75 in cash on us, I had to write the lady a check.  Something about the fact that she had me make the check out to her, and that she shoved a pen in my face before I could even say "no thanks, I have a pen in my bag" makes me think that she could have, in fact, done something about the outrageous price tag.   

Just in case you missed it, THE TREE COST SEVENTY FIVE DOLLARS.

We put the tree in the trunk of my Jetta (which just felt sort of wrong, but I didn't think Joel would go for buckling it into the passenger seat while he rode in the back), and drove to the mall so I could check out the Ann Taylor Loft sales.  They were playing a particularly irritating Christmas song, and an ATL employee looked me dead in the eye while I was browsing the shoes and said "I am going to kill myself before Christmas if I have to listen to this song one more time."  AMEN.  That is just one more reason why I love ATL with all my heart.

On our way home from the mall, we stopped at Walmart to get a replacement bulb for my car, because surprise of surprises, I have ANOTHER taillight out.   As we stood with the trunk open trying to install the new bulb, a little girl walked by with her parents.  She pointed at our trunk and exclaimed "THAT'S A REALLY SMALL TREE!"

I wanted to yell after her, DON'T TALK ABOUT MY SEVENTY FIVE DOLLAR TREE LIKE THAT!, but I just burst out laughing.  Yes, yes it is.  It's a very small tree.

But it's our tree.  And no one talks smack about our tree.

Comments

[lizzy]

Hi Henry Sr. !!!!

[RA]

Ooh. That pricetag is very painful. But at least Joel is happy, right? Or, I should say, he'd better be.

[-R-]

It's not the size that matters, right?

It does look very nice, if that helps. I thought Christmas trees were supposed to be blue spruce or something, but apparently I do not know what I am talking about. And I have an artificial tree from SuperTarget anyway, so I really am clueless.

[nancypearlwannabe]

Are you kidding?! I mean, it's a very cute tree and all, but did it come with a side of crack?! Dang, girl.

[Stephanie]

Holy Shit. We went to a tree farm this year and bought a Frasier Fir. Apparently the red headed step sister to the Douglas? Ours was only $30 and it is almost 8 foot.

I would be telling Joel that he could have rode home in the trunk with the tree. Wait. Trees should never fit in your trunk unless you are driving an 80s model lincoln or cadillac.

[Stephanie]

Wait another second.

How much does that cat WEIGH?

[Operation Pink Herring]

Who, Henry? He's not even the househould fatcat! It's just a bad angle, I swear. His belly does not sag like that (unlike Max's).

[Marriage-101]

I love the video! And I don't care how small your tree is, it's beautiful!

[Isabel]

Oh how innocent Joel looked as he was killing the tree. He had no idea he would be forking out seventy five bones for the damn thing in a few short minutes.

But alas, it is a good tree. And Joel is hot and remind me of Matt Damon. Swoon.

Merry Christmas!

[Jemima]

Ha! I can't BELIEVE they charged you $75 for a two-foot tree. At least you could get it in your car though. We had to carry ours about 10-blocks UPHILL to get it home. Every person in San Francisco laughed at us on the way home. And we didn't even get to cut it down. Chopping your own is waaaay cooler.

[Laurel]

I love the tree!! It was worth every penny. (You just have to keep repeating that to yourself, because there is no other option.)

[angela]

Your poor short-statured little tree is probably developing a complex. If it starts to seem droopy, just tell it that it's not the size of the tree that matters, it's the amount of spirit in its branches. Or something profound like that.

[janet]

omg i would have fallen over and died. Am such a scrooge. A treeless scrooge.

but your tree is cute! I want to call him Dougie.

[Lindsey]

My family and I used to get real trees and yeah, they would cost like $60-$70. They were much larger...but maybe they weren't "real" Christmas trees, who knows. Regardless, your tree is awesome, even if you could have gotten a robbed at my hair salon with that kind of money.