Operation Pink Herring

How I went out on my lunch break for zit cream and came back with a wedding dress

So! This morning I was dragging myself upstairs for coffee when my coworker stopped me to tell me she’d seen a sign for a “Wedding Extravaganza” going on in the thrift store up the street.Huh, I thought. No thanks. I think I’ll just have some coffee instead. Besides, am I really going to buy a wedding dress at the same place I bought Tiny Grim? I think not. My coffee buddy and I went upstairs, got our delicious caffeine juice, and went back to work.

At noon, I told my boss I was running out to the pharmacy. After I picked up my prescription zit cream, I figured I might as well go over and sign up for a slot at the gym while I was out. On my way to the gym, I passed the thrift store and saw the “Wedding Extravaganza” signs my coworker had mentioned. Huh, I thought. It looks like they actually have a lot of dresses in there. That’s weird. And then I walked by, went to the gym and signed myself up for a date with elliptical machine #2.

On the way back, I passed the thrift store again. Huh, I thought. There sure are a lot of people in there. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to stop in and look.

It turns out that by “Wedding Extravaganza”, they actually meant “Big Charity Event,” (I should mention that this thrift store is affiliated with a major hospital, and that all proceeds go to the hospital) which in turn meant, “An upscale bridal boutique donated a whole bunch of brand new designer dresses and we’re selling them for $250 each. Oh, and half of them are from the line you’ve been drooling over since you went wedding dress shopping with your mom back in March. Take a look!”

And so, I looked. I found. I tried on. I purchased. I love.

(Pictures after the jump)

And now, back to our show!

Welcome to this installment of OPH's Next Top Shoe!^tm! 

It's been approximately seventeen weeks since our last episode because our Panel of Expert Judges have been very busy doing important things.  Things like watching an unholy amount of television, including every episode of LOST that's aired since March 21st, when our Panel of Expert Judges forgot to Tivo the episode "Meet Kevin Johnson".  Also, maybe you noticed that there were several Law and Order marathons on this weekend?  That shit does't watch itself, people.

On our last episode, twelve hopefuls competed for the position of OPH's Next Top Shoe!^tm

Four pairs of pumps were sent home when they failed to complete the week's challenge...

Three pairs were granted immunity for their combination of performance, value, and comfort....

And four pairs' fates were left hanging in the balance....

 

Will the beautiful red slingbacks make the cut, solely based on their aesthetic value?  Which pair of black pumps will make it to the next round, and which will be returned?  Do the blue shoes go with the new  blue dress?  FIND OUT, ON TONIGHT'S EPISODE OF OPH's Next Top Shoe!^tm, brought to you by our sponsor, Mission: Put Together - the fastest growing, most popular photo pool on the internet! 

As you surely remember, we had three pairs of similar black pumps to choose between: One pair of pointy-toed Nine Wests, one pair of pointy-toed Bandolinos, and one pair of round-toed Chinese Laundrys.  Our audience voted; 12% voted to keep the Nine Wests, 24% voted in favor of the Bandolinos, 28% voted to return them all, and a plurality of 36% voted to keep the Chinese Laundry pumps. 

Nine Wests and Bandolinos, please step forward.  You are both lovely and graceful pairs of shoes, and I know that you will have a stellar career in front of you.  However, our Panel of Expert Judges agrees with the audience: you just don't have what it takes to be OPH's Next Top Shoe!^tm Please pack your things and leave the house immediately.  

Chinese Laundry pumps, please step forward.  The audience voted that you should be kept, and our Panel of Expert Judges agreed.  However, you were a half size too large, and when we went online to order the correct size, you weren't available.  There is no room for such diva-like behavior in the world of OPH's Next Top Shoe!^tm  I'm sorry, but you will have to be returned.  I hope you've learned a lesson from this experience and that you've grown as a person from being a part of this competition.

Let's move on to the next category: The beautiful red slingbacks. 

The audience was torn: 50% thought you should be kept, and that you'd surely find a way to work through any discomfort.  10% voted to keep you, even if you'd just sit in the closet.  40% voted to send your less than practical heels packing, and in a fit of unrelated back pain that made our Panel of Expert Judges feel like an 80 year old lady, our Panel of Expert Judges agreed with that 40%.  You need more than looks to make it in this world, sweetheart.   I hope you find a happy home somewhere, but you will not be OPH's Next Top Shoe!^tm

 

And lastly, we have the pair of blue flats.  These were purchased with the express purpose of going with a new dress, but upon further inspection, our Panel of Expert Judges weren't sure if you could do the job.   50% of the audience voted that you should be returned, and another 10% felt that you didn't go with the dress at all, but that you should be kept anyway.  40% of our audience said that you did, indeed live up to the challenge of complementing the new dress.

Our Panel of Expert Judges decided to ignore the whopping 60% of voters who agreed that the shoes did not go with the dress.  If any of you happen to come across our Panel of Expert Judges wearing this dress-shoe combo together, we ask that you keep your opinion to yourself and just pretend that our Panel of Expert Judges look awesome.   The blue shoes are staying . In fact, our Panel of Expert Judges may just be wearing them right now.  And they are adorable.  So there.  

And so, we have taken the twelve bestest Top Shoes in the nation and narrowed them down to four lucky winners who will now share the title of OPH's Next Top Shoe!^tm

You will all win a spot in OPH's closet, and a dubious modeling contract endorsed by Miz Tyra Banks!  Congratulations!   Our Panel of Expert Judges are so proud of how you've all grown as individuals and stepped up to meet each challenge, even when you didn't k now you had the strength inside of you.  You are all amazing, talented, gorgeous, FIERCE ladies.  Mwah! 

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Just in case any of you were concerned for my mental health after seeing that I did, indeed, purchase TWELVE PAIRS OF SHOES in the space of a week, let me assure you that I don't have a shoe problem. 

I present to you, my freezer:

Oh, there's more:

So, rest assured: it's not a shoe problem, it's more of an inability to pass up anything that is on sale. 

You won't be laughing so hard when there is a bird flu quarantine.  We are SO ready, bitches.

Friday, Friday

Email I received this afternoon from my BFF Bethy:

To: Jenny, OPH

Subject: In desperate need of sister-wifery

I just realized that I don't think I saw either of you since clippy's wedding? is this possible?  I don't think I saw either of you at Christmas or thanksgiving. this is disastrous.

Anyways, besides that revelation, just wanted to say hi and congratulations on reaching memorial day weekend without dying.

It's been a rough couple of weeks, hasn't it?  It's not even a case of some Major Project taking over my life; things just seem busier than usual lately and I don't particularly like it.   Good thing it's time for a three-day weekend dedicated to working through the Tivo cache. 

Congratulations, Internet.  You made it to Memorial Day weekend without dying!  Have a great weekend.  You deserve it.

My compulsive shoe buying habits. Let me show you them.

How many shoes can you buy in one weekend before you officially have to check yourself into some sort of retail rehab?

 

Um... yeah.  Less than this, I assume?

It all started when Anna posted a picture of these shoes as part of Mission: Put Together.  I saw those shoes, and I fell in love.  I wanted them.  I had to have them.  Nevermind the fact that I can't walk in heels, heels hurt my back, heels are not my friend.  None of that mattered.  I had to have those shoes.  I spent several hours scouring the internet for that exact model (with quite a bit of help from my proxy shopper, RA) and we finally found them.  And wow, that sure was some heel.  Three and three quarters inches, to be exact.   Several more hours were spent searching the web for an identical pair with a slightly lower heel, to no avail.  I resolved to think about it over the weekend before clicking the "submit order" button that would send them straight to my door.

Then I went shopping with my mom over the weekend and I found these in Ann Taylor Loft.  Last pair.  My size.  Twenty bucks.  I took it as a sign.  I mean, what's not to love:

 

At our next shopping stop, I found a killer pair of red peeptoe pumps on sale at Ann Taylor, but they didn't have my size in New Jersey.  Instead, the lovely sales associates put a pair on hold for me in Maryland and I picked them up when I got home.  Along with a cute pair of brown pumps I found on sale at the MD store.  That's three pairs of pumps, for those of you keeping track.  And I also bought a pair of flip flops.  That brings our total to four.

I wore my new black pumps on Monday.  It was a disaster.  The heel!  What was I thinking?  Also, I cannot walk in pumps without stepping out of them and subsequently tripping.  A lot.  I had sort of forgotten about that. 

After a full day of tripping around the office I'd had a major dose of reality.  As  much as I would love to be one of those girls who wears fantastically high heels around the office, I am not.  My back is still reminding me of that fact today, three days later.  Sigh.  And they were such a bargain.

And so, after this little Monday reality check, Tuesday became one long search for The Perfect Black Pump.  Together, RA and I searched Zappos, Piper Lime and Endless, as well as the brand websites for Nine West and Bandolino, two of our favorite go-to shoe manufactures.  We found several options.  And because Endless offers free overnight shipping, I ordered them all.  Plus a few non-black pumps too. 

So that was another five pairs + my four pairs from the weekend = Nine new pairs of shoes.

Oh, and I also ordered two pairs of flats last week, too.  So that makes, what?  Eleven?  Oh wait, I also ordered my beloved red pumps in black the minute they went on sale at AnnTaylor.com, just to keep all my options open.  Since they hadn't yet arrived at the time of this photo-shoot, my trusty Teva flip-flops agreed to serve as a placeholder.

That's nine pairs of pumps, two pairs of flats, one pair of flip flops and a partridge in a fucking pear tree. Annotated version is on flickr, and I suggest you take a look, study it, and maybe make some flashcards because this shit is about to get complicated.

After much thought (too much thought for a topic not involving world peace or hungry orphans, but too late now!), I have determined the that the following contestants will not be moving forward to the next round of OPH's Next Top Shoe:

Ridiculously, fantastically high-heeled Ann Taylor Loft pumps. You are a really beautiful pair of shoes, and I love that you only cost $20.  But in this harsh world, being pretty isn't enough.  You also have to not cause bodily harm to the wearer.  I'm sorry, but you will not be OPH's Next Top Shoe. Please take your receipt, get into your box, and wait to be returned this weekend.

Brown Ann Taylor pumps.  You have so much going for you.  You've got a great look, your heel is a much more sensible height, and you were a veritable bargain, marked down from $128 to $49.99, with an extra 20% discount thrown in.  But you're a half size too big, and there were no more pairs left at the store to even think about exchanging you for.  And I already have a pair of slightly too-big brown heels that work really well.  I'm sorry, but you just don't have what it takes to be OPH's Next Top Shoe.   Please take your receipt, get into your box, and wait to be returned this weekend.

Red and silver Chinese Laundry pumps. You are both cute, but you just don't have that look that makes a shoe rise above all the other cute shoes in the world.  You both photograph well, but in person you just don't live up to your image.  I'm sorry, but you will not be OPH's Next Top Shoe.  Please take this return shipping label and prepare to be sent back to Endless.com headquarters.

The following contestants now remain in the running for OPH's Next Top Shoe:

Teva flip flops, please step to the side.  The black Ann Taylor peeptoe slingbacks that you graciously agreed to stand in for are something I desperately need.  Even though your heel is a bit high, you are most definitely walkable on top of being downright gorgeous.  Congratulations, you will be joining the other shoes in the closet.  You will NOT be returned. 

Red Ann Taylor flats, please step to the side.  You are adorable, you were on sale, you are comfortable, and you will be an excellent replacement for those horrid Steve Madden flats that have been destroying my feet for the past eight months. You're everything a shoe should be. Congratulations, you will NOT be returned.

And lastly, blue Ann Taylor flip flops, please step to the side.  A good pair of flip-flops are a no-brainer, and you were on sale for $12 and go perfectly with a new dress I just bought (more on that in a minute!).  Congratulations, you will NOT be returned. 

I now have five pairs of beautiful shoes before me.  Unfortunately, I am not sure that you all have what it takes to become a permanent fixture in my closet.   Let's start with the middle row.

Red Ann Taylor peeptoe slingbacks:  You are a work of art.  You're actually walkable (the slingback seems to be better for me than the pump), but you still have a three inch heel.  I'm just not sure that there's room for two pairs of patent leather peeptoe slingbacks in my closet, and we have to face the fact that your beauty can work against you - red doesn't go with everything.  But you really do have a great look, and you are still in the running for OPH's Next Top Shoe.  The audience will decide if you have what it takes to be one of OPH's Next Top Shoes.

Dear audience, please vote now using the poll box below.  Should these beautiful shoes remain in my collection, or are they a ridiculous indulgence?  They set me back $52 (originally priced $118).

Opinion Polls & Market Research

On to the blue flats.  You're a nice pair of shoes, for sure.  But you were purchased with a specific purpose: to go with a new blue dress.  I'll be honest with you, I'm just not sure you go with the dress at all. 

The audience will decide your future. These shoes were originally priced at $98 (I think), I paid $40.

Opinion Polls & Market Research

(I won't ask you to vote on whether or not I should keep Madison because he ate his receipt long ago.  And then threw it up in a basket of clean laundry.)

Let's move on to the third row of contestants. 

I have before me three pairs of black pumps.  I was convinced that I desperately needed a pair of black pumps, but now I'm just not sure. 

Nine West pumps: Your heel is 1/4 higher than the Bandolinos, and you cost $79. 

Bandolino pumps: You cost $69 and have a lower heel, but you're slightly pointier -- and I don't think I like that about you.  To tell you the truth, I don't love either of you.  You just haven't shown me that you have what it takes to be OPH's Next Top Shoe.  I just don't think that you want this badly enough.  Do you?  Do you really WANT THIS? I'll be straight with you, honey:  I'm afraid you're just not "me". 

Chinese Laundry black pumps:  You guys have it going on.  You're much more my style, and I love that you were on sale for $48.  The one problem I have with you is the wooden heel.  It looks cute -- but I'm afraid that it makes you unfancy enough to void the whole purpose of having a pair of black pumps.  You'd be fun under jeans, but I'm not sure if you'd ever beat out my beloved Privos.  I just don't know if you want this badly enough.  I don't think you really, really WANT to be OPH's Next Top Shoe. Do you?

All three pairs of pumps have some great qualities, but only one of you (at most) can become OPH's Next Top Shoe: Black Pump Edition.

Tune in next week to find out who got returned and who made the final cut to become OPH's Next Top Shoe! 

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Edited to add: Today marks the halfway point of Mission: Put Together!  RA has crunched some fantastic numbers in honor of this midpoint - go over and check her post out.  I meant to do a mid-month M:PT recap, but I didn't get around to it.  As you can see, I've been a little busy.

What I've been up to

(Format liberally borrowed from Janet, who borrowed it from Not Martha)

Reading

The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan.  Although it took me a good month (or three) to get past the first fifty pages about corncorncorn, I am now simultaneously enthralled and horrified.  Did you know cows aren't naturally adapted to eat corn?  Did you know that many organic free-range chickens only have access to a tiny yard outside their shed during the last two weeks of their lives, and by that time they're so used to being indoors that they're too scared to venture out of their shed?  DID YOU?   DID YOU KNOW THAT?  Because I sure didn't.  But if you've been anywhere near me during the past couple of days, I probably told you all about it.  And yes, I do realize I am about two years late on the bandwagon here, what's your point?

Eating

I need to bring three side dishes to a fancy bridal shower in June, and RA helpfully shared two of her tried-and-true recipes for me to practice with.  I had a moment of panic when I realized I wasn't sure exactly what a clove of garlic was (Hey Joel?  How much is a clove of garlic?  Is it the whole thing?  I think it's the whole thing because the directions said to peel it, but that sure seems like a lot of garlic.  But I already put it all in, so I hope that a clove means the whole thing.), and Rachel Ray is smoking some serious crack if she really thinks this recipe can be done from start to finish in 15 minutes (it took me 15 minutes just to peel the clove of garlic), but the salad was delicious.  Bonus points: I made it with spinach I picked up at the local farmer's market!

Watching

The first two installments of the Indiana Jones Trilogy.   Can you believe I've never seen them?   Neither can I.   We're working hard to rectify that before the new one comes out in theaters. 

Oh, and I am also still watching Moonlight, and I'd like you all to know that I actually think that this show is getting better.  Seriously!  It's not like it could have gotten any worse, but hey: progress is progress.

Meeting

Laurel, from Sass Attack!  I had to attend a meeting in NYC for work, and I asked Laurel if she'd like to meet up for drinks before my meeting on Thursday night.  And she said yes!  And I actually found the bar she suggested!  That deserves many, many exclamation points!!!  We had a fabulous time, if I do say so myself.  Can we do it again soon?  Like, tomorrow?  Or how about right now? 

Shopping

With my momma.  After my meeting in NYC, I spent the rest of the weekend in NJ.  Since it was pouring rain on Friday, we went shopping.  I'm proud to report that we came away with an outfit for my mom to wear to an upcoming party AND two pairs of great, non-low rise, jeans.  I also introduced my mom both Ann Taylor franchises, and while she didn't buy anything there, I ended up taking home more than enough for both of us.   Hello, new shoes!

Listening

To that Jordin Sparks "No Air" song.  I have never watched American Idol, but I do love me some Jordin Sparks.  Almost as much as Kelly Clarkson.   

Loving

How much my kitties missed us while we were away for the weekend.  Having a snuggly cat nestled uncomfortably in your armpit all night is almost as nice as sleeping in blissful silence for two nights in a row at your mom's house.  Almost.  Apparently the key to raising loving and obedient pets is to abandon them for the weekend on a regular basis.

Wondering

If I should make plans for the upcoming Memorial Day weekend, or if it would be more fun to hole up at home for the entire three-day break.  Thoughts?

The secret to living a happy and productive life, let me tell you it.

My normal weekend routine includes sleeping until at 10 or 11am, putzing around the house, watching some TV, eating breakfast, eating lunch, organizing, cleaning, possibly changing out of my pajamas to go to yoga, maybe taking a shower, maybe doing some laundry, and eating some more.   

Now, I love this routine.  I get all antsy whenever we have actual plans that keep me from getting in my cleaning/organizing/sleeping/watching TV in pajamas time.  I need my time at home to keep me sane.    But all too often, I find myself feeling depressed on Saturday nights because the weekend is suddenly half over and I've accomplished nothing.  In theory, I strongly believe that rest and relaxation are noble and valid activities for a Saturday.  In practice, OMG NOTHING GOT CROSSED OFF MY TO-DO LISTWAAAAAAAAH I SUCK.

Well, friends: after twenty-seven years on this planet, I have solved my perpetual conundrum.  I have discovered how someone who is NOT A MORNING PERSON can still get the most out of a weekend day, without sacrificing sleep! 

The secret is... go to sleep at 9:30pm on Saturday night.  That's right, you heard me!  Just go to bed at 9:30pm, and you'll be able to wake up feeling refreshed from a hefty eleven hour rest, make yourself a nice breakfast of waffles and Morningstar Farms Sausage Patties (I am convinced that these patties are not at all vegetarian.  They are way too delicious to be made out of soybeans and vegetables), and freshly brewed coffee -- which you made yourself -- and still leave the house by 9am!   I even managed to put in a load of laundry before I headed out to the Farmer's Market!  And it was still before 9am!  I think this deserves at least seven more exclamation points!!!!!!! (!!!)

PS: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After hitting up the Farmer's Market to support my local agronomists (The Omnivore's Dilemma is guilting me into becoming a better person), I also

• Went to Target
• Stopped by Ann Taylor Loft
• Went to Safeway
• Cleaned up the entire back patio, including sweeping, planting flowers, and dragging the hose out of the basement to water the new flowers
• Took down the Christmas lights from the front windowbox, watered the plants, weeded our sidewalk planter box
• Vacuumed the entire house

That, right there, is about two month's worth of stuff.  And I got it all done before Joel came home from his race at 7pm.  Seriously, if I had known this was all it takes to feel so productive, I would have adopted a six-year-old's bedtime ages ago! 

(OK, not really.  I am still a night owl at heart, and I really didn't intend to fall asleep at 9:30.  It just kind of happened.)

In other news: This weekend Joel was informed that he won a Bigtime Coaching Award That I Probably Shouldn't Name On My Personal Internet Site, Now That I Think About It.   So, howza bout a round  of applause for mah man?

In other news (part two): I am absolutely loving everyone's submissions and comments on Mission: Put Together.  Keep em' coming!  You guys are almost making Business Casual fun.  Almost.