And now, back to our show!

Welcome to this installment of OPH's Next Top Shoe!^tm! 

It's been approximately seventeen weeks since our last episode because our Panel of Expert Judges have been very busy doing important things.  Things like watching an unholy amount of television, including every episode of LOST that's aired since March 21st, when our Panel of Expert Judges forgot to Tivo the episode "Meet Kevin Johnson".  Also, maybe you noticed that there were several Law and Order marathons on this weekend?  That shit does't watch itself, people.

On our last episode, twelve hopefuls competed for the position of OPH's Next Top Shoe!^tm

Four pairs of pumps were sent home when they failed to complete the week's challenge...

Three pairs were granted immunity for their combination of performance, value, and comfort....

And four pairs' fates were left hanging in the balance....

 

Will the beautiful red slingbacks make the cut, solely based on their aesthetic value?  Which pair of black pumps will make it to the next round, and which will be returned?  Do the blue shoes go with the new  blue dress?  FIND OUT, ON TONIGHT'S EPISODE OF OPH's Next Top Shoe!^tm, brought to you by our sponsor, Mission: Put Together - the fastest growing, most popular photo pool on the internet! 

As you surely remember, we had three pairs of similar black pumps to choose between: One pair of pointy-toed Nine Wests, one pair of pointy-toed Bandolinos, and one pair of round-toed Chinese Laundrys.  Our audience voted; 12% voted to keep the Nine Wests, 24% voted in favor of the Bandolinos, 28% voted to return them all, and a plurality of 36% voted to keep the Chinese Laundry pumps. 

Nine Wests and Bandolinos, please step forward.  You are both lovely and graceful pairs of shoes, and I know that you will have a stellar career in front of you.  However, our Panel of Expert Judges agrees with the audience: you just don't have what it takes to be OPH's Next Top Shoe!^tm Please pack your things and leave the house immediately.  

Chinese Laundry pumps, please step forward.  The audience voted that you should be kept, and our Panel of Expert Judges agreed.  However, you were a half size too large, and when we went online to order the correct size, you weren't available.  There is no room for such diva-like behavior in the world of OPH's Next Top Shoe!^tm  I'm sorry, but you will have to be returned.  I hope you've learned a lesson from this experience and that you've grown as a person from being a part of this competition.

Let's move on to the next category: The beautiful red slingbacks. 

The audience was torn: 50% thought you should be kept, and that you'd surely find a way to work through any discomfort.  10% voted to keep you, even if you'd just sit in the closet.  40% voted to send your less than practical heels packing, and in a fit of unrelated back pain that made our Panel of Expert Judges feel like an 80 year old lady, our Panel of Expert Judges agreed with that 40%.  You need more than looks to make it in this world, sweetheart.   I hope you find a happy home somewhere, but you will not be OPH's Next Top Shoe!^tm

 

And lastly, we have the pair of blue flats.  These were purchased with the express purpose of going with a new dress, but upon further inspection, our Panel of Expert Judges weren't sure if you could do the job.   50% of the audience voted that you should be returned, and another 10% felt that you didn't go with the dress at all, but that you should be kept anyway.  40% of our audience said that you did, indeed live up to the challenge of complementing the new dress.

Our Panel of Expert Judges decided to ignore the whopping 60% of voters who agreed that the shoes did not go with the dress.  If any of you happen to come across our Panel of Expert Judges wearing this dress-shoe combo together, we ask that you keep your opinion to yourself and just pretend that our Panel of Expert Judges look awesome.   The blue shoes are staying . In fact, our Panel of Expert Judges may just be wearing them right now.  And they are adorable.  So there.  

And so, we have taken the twelve bestest Top Shoes in the nation and narrowed them down to four lucky winners who will now share the title of OPH's Next Top Shoe!^tm

You will all win a spot in OPH's closet, and a dubious modeling contract endorsed by Miz Tyra Banks!  Congratulations!   Our Panel of Expert Judges are so proud of how you've all grown as individuals and stepped up to meet each challenge, even when you didn't k now you had the strength inside of you.  You are all amazing, talented, gorgeous, FIERCE ladies.  Mwah! 

*******************************************************************************

Just in case any of you were concerned for my mental health after seeing that I did, indeed, purchase TWELVE PAIRS OF SHOES in the space of a week, let me assure you that I don't have a shoe problem. 

I present to you, my freezer:

Oh, there's more:

So, rest assured: it's not a shoe problem, it's more of an inability to pass up anything that is on sale. 

You won't be laughing so hard when there is a bird flu quarantine.  We are SO ready, bitches.

Comments

[Talking Budgie]

Stuff on sale does rock, until you realise that you're still spending money... But I understand about stocking up on frozen goods. I literally had six packets of peas in my freezer when I last moved.

[Viviane]

Hahahaha, all I have in my freezer is some ice cream, but then I share it with three roommates (and we don't have an oven or microwave, so most frozen food is not usable for us).
This post reminds me that I bought some shoes last week that I meant to take a picture of to post.

[Wickedly Scarlett]

I really hope the CW picks up this show, because it is AWESOME.

[Erin]

Wow! That was intense! I was sad to see the red slingbacks go, but if they aren't at least slightly comfortable...well...it's inevitable.

I, also, love a sale.

[elise]

Hilarious. All hilarious, and I absolutely loved these shoe posts. Also! Your new tagline HAS to be "OPH: This shit doesn't read itself, people"

[nancypearlwannabe]

Wow, I did not see that double plot twist coming AT ALL. OPH's Shoe Collection is the most riveting reality blog post ever!

[Liz]

LOL - This? Was awesome.

[RA]

As much as I enjoyed these fantabulous posts, I can't help but feel a twinge of sadness that I have never watched ANTM and therefore do not have the full benefit of the parody. Am I missing out on a cultural phenomenon? Or is it like Rock of Love, and I can just get necessary sound bytes from The Soup?

I am so glad that you kept the blue shoes!

[Laurel]

This post really helps me get through my Girlicious withdrawal.

I cannot wait to ditch the roommates so that I, too, can stock my freezer that way. Always be prepared.

[Laurel]

This post really helps me get through my Girlicious withdrawal.

I cannot wait to ditch the roommates so that I, too, can stock my freezer that way. Always be prepared.

[Audrey]

Our freezer looks startlingly similar to yours. This morning I tried to pull out a lean cuisine for lunch and couldn't get it out because it was wedged so tightly among all the other stuff. So I'll be having Chipotle for lunch instead. Fair trade, right?

[Erin]

Dang. You know, I've tried to keep our freezer fully stocked and yet my darling man seems to think that when there is a lot of food, it's time to invite over a lot of people to eat it. And then we have to starve until payday again. He needs to pick up habits from you guys, STOCK UP FOR BIRD FLU. I shall refer him. And point out that feeding the nation could lead to our ultimate demise.

[Stephanie]

I think I can beat you on the freezer. Chicken was on sale like eigheen months ago at Giant so I bought over 10 lbs. Yes, that is a lot of chicken. No, we have not bought chicken in like 42 weeks.

Next up, burger and pork.

[Lisa]

This post is hilarious! I'm jealous of all the shoes, even the ones that got returned. But I love the ANTM format.

[HollowSquirrel]

That post was awwwwesome, especially since it was brought to us without commercial interruption. I cannot believe you returned the black roundtoe heels. *sob* I had them going all the way.