Maxwell Maximillian Maximus

There is this unspoken understanding when you adopt a pet: eventually, it's going to die.  This is the natural order of the world; people outlive their pets.  

I've had longer than usual to get used to this idea because Max has never been a healthy cat.  He's got food allergies, he's got anxiety, and most recently, he's got cancer.  I've known this was coming for so long and I thought I was ready, but I'm not.

When we got back from our honeymoon we noticed that Max's face looked swollen on one side.  It wasn't immediately apparent because of his facial markings, but once I noticed it we were both like, whoah.  That's not good.  I took him to the vet the next day, and the day after that he had surgery to remove two (more) rotted teeth.  It certainly wasn't an ideal way to spend our first days back (it was especially un-ideal for Max) and part of me wondered why I was even bothering -- the cat has cancer, his days are numbered.  But could I really let him go, after all he's been through, from a rotted tooth?  No, I couldn't.

Despite the extraction of the two teeth and a month of antibiotics, the swelling didn't go down.  In fact, it got worse.  We went back for a follow-up and the vet confirmed my suspicions: this could not possibly be an infection.  It was something else. 

It was a tumor.  She offered to put him to sleep right then, but I couldn't.

That was a month ago.  Since then I've been trying to determine week by week if it was time yet.  Sometimes I thought so, but the next day he'd seem fine again.  Time went by.  His face grew more and more grotesque but since it didn't seem to be bothering him, I told myself it was OK.

And then I took this picture on Sunday and I wanted to slap myself.  This cat that I love so much is in pain.  He can't open his eye; he hasn't been able to close his mouth for weeks.  I emailed the vet. The soonest she could come was tonight.

I'm putting Max to sleep tonight.  I thought that having so much time to get used to this fact would leave me better prepared, but it hasn't at all.  I left work early, and I was holding it together, but then I got home and as I was putting my bike away I heard a familiar thud behind me and I thought, that's the last time I'll hear Max jump the last two stairs.   And I lost it.

It wasn't even him; it was Madison.  But soon Max appeared, sitting at the top of the stairs and I thought, that's the last time I'll ever come home and see him sitting there.  And this morning was the last time I'll ever give him his pills.  In fact, the next time we go out of town there will be no special instructions, no pill schedule.  I feel like I should at least be happy about this simplification of our lives, but I'm not, not even a little bit. 

I am going to miss this cat so, so much.  I am going to miss seeing him lying around belly up, half under the bed.  I'll miss the way he yaps incessantly when he wants to be petted.  I'll miss seeing him sitting at the top of the stairs every day when I come home, waiting to see who it is and if it's safe to come down.

I knew this was going to be hard, but I guess I just didn't realize how hard.   It makes me wonder how people possibly survive greater losses, the loss of a parent or a child or a spouse.  And it makes me want to give away Madison and Henry, because the thought of doing this again is honestly staggering.  I still find it strange when I go home to my mom's house and realize Shadow isn't there, and it's been almost two years since she died.  I wonder how long it will be before I stop expecting to see Max at the top of the stairs.  Part of me hopes it will be soon, and part of me hopes it will be never.

Comments

[Nothing But Bonfires]

Oh my goodness, you are having a rough week. I'm so, so sorry. I know exactly how you feel about the cats, and I still expect to see my parents' cat, Oscar, when I go home, even though we had to put him down the day after 9-11 (incidentally, when your cat dies the day after 9-11, it's pretty hard for people to give a crap, and you feel terrible being sad about something so comparatively minor.) Hope you're hanging in there. Give him a cuddle from me.

[Stephanie]

My heart is breaking for you right now. I can't imagine, our pets become so much more than just a cat or dog. I hope sweet Max stands at the top of the stairs forever. HUGS!

[Kristabella]

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. You poor thing. I'm scared for when I will have to do this with my cats because I'm pretty sure I won't be able to handle it.

Hang in there! HUGS!

[Lisa]

Oh I'm sorry. That's so so hard.

[Jurgen Nation]

I'm a new reader and haven't commented before, but I have to here because my heart jumped a little and a lump formed (present tense, if I'm being honest) in my throat. I am so sorry. Our fur kids aren't "just" pets; they're our little boys and girls. I have a dog, Jurgen, and he'll be 10 in December. I know there will be a day I'm going to lose him and I feel that my heart will actually shatter. It can't because it's muscle and goo, but you know what I mean. Our little fur kids are parts of us; we raise each other for years and years and I don't know what to say right now except that I am so, so sorry. Part of me is wondering why I'm fighting tears (past tense, as I didn't win that fight) because I don't know you and have never commented, but the other, bigger part of me just feels the pain of your loss. You can never prepare yourself. I'm afraid to even think about it; I don't know what I'll do. And because of this, I don't know what to say that would actually matter. I am just so sorry. He must have known how much he was loved, though, and know that he loved you too, unconditionally and purely.

I'm barely coherent here; this just really touched a nerve.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

[Erin]

I am so, so, so sorry. Putting a pet to sleep is just horrible. I hope you will feel better soon, and that Max will be at peace.

[ChrisC]

Your post made me bawl my eyes out. It's so very, very difficult to lose a pet. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Liz]

This is just awful. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine having to put Champ to sleep (he's a dog, not a cat, but still.) But from the looks of the picture and the sound of Max's health, you're doing the right thing. It doesn't feel like it, but it is. For Max.

[ccr in MA]

Oh, yes. It is so awful. I cried almost the entire day when I had to put Pan to sleep, and every day after that for months, it seemed, I cried at least once, often more. It's so, so hard. Everywhere I looked, I saw him, and everything made me miss him.

Ten months later, it's a bit better. And the other night he was in one of my dreams, looking so healthy, so not like he did the last few months. I woke up missing him, but not crying.

I'll be thinking of you.

[heidikins]

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I never had a pet that I loved like you love Max, so I can't relate, but I want you to know that I love you and am thinking about you.

Lots of hugs,
xox

[nancypearlwannabe]

Lovely lady, I'm so sorry for you and Max. You gave him the best life he could have hoped for. Sending good thoughts your way.

[Audrey]

I'm so, so sorry! Losing a pet is so heart-wrenching. Max was lucky to have such a happy life with such a loving family.

[NGS]

I will just echo what everyone else is saying and let you know I'm sorry for your loss and I'll definitely keep you in my thoughts and give my own cat an extra scratch behind the years tonight!!

[Kari]

I'm so sorry honey :( My parents are going through the same thing right now with their puppy. I know how hard it is. *hugs*

[blaez]

its hard. it is i know that it is. i've been there before too and it doesn't get any easier.

first there was spike, he developed lukemia in 2001 and i begged off putting him to sleep and tried everyhting i could to keep him alive and he ended up dying in my bed while i was at work on my pillow. i was so heartbroken. i had him cremated and he's in his own urn.

then maige got lukemia too! i was like wtf, i can't do this again!! and i put him to sleep immediatly. i couldn't do it again knowing how selfish it was of me.

and then i swore off anymore animals. i had 2 left Mysterious and Drakkus... well, in Oct of '06 my Mysterie died of a blood borne disease like Aids for cats from fleas she got from my roomate's dogs who brought fleas into the house... that was so hard. she was my little girl. and i couldn't work for a week. my aunt died the same day that i was in the hospital with myst so i couldn't even go home for the funeral because you know how expensive vets are...

and then it was just Drake. and he was soooo lonely... i let my fiance talk me into another cat. Drake is over 9 yrs old. he's healthy but we had a scare when he developed an infection that just wouldn't go away. and finally. phew. it was scary. and now we have Kai. not even a year old... i can't believe i let him talk me into another cat...

plus we have 2 hamsters and you know they have an even shorter life span...

oh this wasn't supose to be about me... but if you need to talk, i'm here for you and i understand what your going through and its normal to feel like you've lost something special because you have indeed sweety, you have lost a very special friend.

[Angela Noelle]

Oh my God, I'm so, so sorry. My dogs are so, incredibly special to me and I know that you feel the same thing about Max and your other pets. My heart is really and truly breaking for you, and I'll be holding my pups extra tight tonight. You're all in my thoughts as you go through this, and I'm so glad Max has had such a wonderful family to take care of him and love him.

[RA]

Ugh. This is one of those sucky times of life when it's "time" but it is still awful and there are no words that help at all. So, this is a gesture, even though I know it is terribly inadequate. :(

[Charise]

ugh, what a horrible couple of weeks you're having. especially when you should still be reveling in post-wedding and -honeymoon bliss. : ( my thoughts are with you!

[Lindsey]

I am so, so sorry, Jen.

[Annemarie]

That's so awful. I hope the next few weeks get a lot easier. Wish I had something awesome to say to make you feel better...

[sparklytosingle]

I am so sorry. I've been through this twice in the last two years with my parents' pets and it's awful. But it's been several months since we put our dog to sleep, and I know now that even though it's immensely hard when your pets die, it's worth it to have them in our lives. I wouldn't take back the years with Jasper for anything in the world.

You brought so much joy and love to Max's life. He knew that, pets always know.

[Hilary]

I am so sorry. I love my cat, Morris, more than I like most people, and the knowing that someday he won't be around makes me shudder inside. I am thinking of you. Know that you are doing the right thing, no matter how painful.

[alyndabear]

Oh honey.. I know how heartbreaking it is, having lost MY Max earlier this year. I can't even imagine having to deal with losing Oscar, even though in all respects he's just a baby.

I'm tearing up, because I know how much you loved him - and he knows that too, Jen.

[Kristan]

Your post brings me to tears and I don't even know you. (Here via the BlogHer ad/sidebar.) But my family and I had to put our dog down last month - http://kristanhoffman.com/2009/08/15/my-little-walrus/ - so I do know your pain. I'm so sorry for the loss, but I'm sure you know it was the right think to do for your Max.

[Frema]

I'm so sorry, Jen, for the type of week you've had. The picture of Max broke my heart. You are a wonderful person for doing what's ultimately best for him. Not that that makes it any easier.

[caleal]

My parents and I had a dog from when I was 9 to when I was 21. It's been four years since he passed away, and we've all gotten more dogs... but sometimes I still expect to see him at their house.

[Mary]

So sorry for your loss! We put our family cat of 17 years to sleep a year ago and I still expect to see her bottle brush tail coming around a corner. It does get easier. You did what was best for Max, just like we had to do what was best for Smokey.

[Allie]

I am so sorry! That's just so hard!