Hypothetical potential non-babies

Blame it on too many after-school specials in Health class or on my natural proclivity to worry about everything, but I’ve been worrying about getting accidentally pregnant for… as long as I can remember. Before that was even, ahem, physically possible. My friends did it too – in college, one of my friends was absolutely convinced she was going to be the next feature in Seventeen Magazine: Pregnant with Triplets and I Never Even Had Sex! 

About three years ago I had this revelation: if I did get accidentally pregnant by some divine simultaneous failure of multiple methods of birth control, it would no longer be disastrous. I mean, it wouldn’t have been ideal timing-wise (call me old fashioned, but I was hoping to, like, get married and stuff first), but it wouldn’t have ruined my life. I wouldn’t have to worry about droping out of school. I was with the man I wanted to marry, we both wanted to have kids eventually. It would have been… fine.

This little epiphany didn’t stop me from worrying about it, though. Instead, I moved on to worrying about accidentally harming my potential non-baby. I drink wine! And coffee! I love coffee. And what about the benadryl and ibuprofen and preservatives in cold cuts and getting toxoplasmosis from scooping the litterbox and oh my god, that's just the stuff I KNOW about.  I probably do a hundred things a day that could potentially hurt my hypothetical non-baby! And I can’t have a baby. I’m not old enough to have a baby. I curse too much to have a baby. I love sleeping too much to have a baby.

But when I’m not busy worrying about having babies by accident, I’m haunted by the idea that I might not be able to have them at all. I might have permanently screwed up my body with that stupid fucking eating disorder when I was in college. Maybe I was never able to have kids. Without skidding too far into TMI territory, I have never exactly been textbook normal with the old womanly troubles. As strongly as I feel like I’m NOT READY OMG I've  always known that I want to have kids some day.  In the distant future when I was a grown-up adult person. And back when I was in high school I certainly would have considered a twenty-nine year old -- WHO IS ALREADY GOING GRAY BY THE WAY – to be such a grown-up person. However, I routinely leave the oven on after dinner and drop kitchen towels on the gas burner and forget to put the car in park and lock myself out of the house. So, obviously, I am not ready for kids. Yet.

Every time I get dizzy or I have a worse-than-usual food craving or I gain four pounds despite working out five times a week, what the hell is up with THAT, dual emotions start tugging at my gut. Part of me is thinking crap crap crap I CAN NOT be pregnant we don’t have enough money saved and our house is too small and I can’t do this… and another, quieter part is thinking hey, this would be kind of awesome.

Comments

[Lisa]

Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. Awesome book about the lady parts (regular and not regular) and getting pregnant/avoiding getting pregnant. Your post sounds like me, all of my twenties. First two babies took a long time to conceive...and I just had my third baby, who decided to show up unexpectedly, on her own time. :-)

[Stephanie]

Are you in my head? You know minus the grey part. I think this is me every damn month. I worry about harming my non-baby and even thought, well, Wegman's sells nitrate free lunch meat. Then my gyno said at my last visit, since I stopped my bc, that I should be on prenatal vitamins since I could get preg and not know for several weeks. HOLYHELLWOMAN! Stop freaking the worrier out.

I also dropped a oven mitt in the oven and didn't realize it until I smelled burn and then had to throw it outside in the snow pile by the back deck.

Babies. I should not have them.

[Nothing But Bonfires]

Um, I think I wrote this post. I don't remember writing it, so you have obviously somehow tapped into my brain and drawn the words out. Because BINGO. JINX. ETCETERA.

I distinctly remember that weird crossover from "OMG what if I get pregnant?" to "huh, that wouldn't be the worst thing ever." Of course, I slid right back into "OMG, what if I get pregnant?" territory while we were planning the wedding (how would I fit into my DRESS? etc) but now I'm right back in "eh, wouldn't be a disaster" mode. Except for the fact that yes, I also love to sleep. And we live in a one-bedroom. With crack whores outside. (How would a baby nap through that?)

Anyway, I just think this strengthens our We Are Twins theory (see also wedding, peeing cats, Omas.)

[Pink Herring]

I totally reverted to This Will Ruin My Life mode of thinking from the second I put the deposit down on my dress until the day of the wedding.  I did not pay you-don't-want-to-know-how-many dollars to not fit into that damned dress.  And after seven years of dating I was NOT having a shotgun wedding.

[Lisa]

Well, as someone who is unexpected pregnant as I type, with my THIRD child no less (you'd think I know how this happens, blah blah. The first two were intentional.) (wait, where was I?) ANYWAY. Not as bad as you'd think, you'd make do, you'd get excited. Your house is plenty big enough, you wouldn't leave the BABY in the oven, and coffee and a little wine wouldn't hurt.

That sleep thing though? That would be the suck, cause you'd be done sleeping.

[Anna]

Don't panic - I know so many people who didn't realize they were pregnant for a little while and continued to do whatever and their babies are all fine! I would totally start an over the counter prenatal vitamin instead of a regular multivitamin if you decide to stop using birth control. As an added bonus, my nails have never looked better!

[Kari]

I feel like you walked into my brain and put it into words! Except, if I were to accidentally get pregnant, since I have an IUD, the baby wouldn't survive and then I would feel...I can't even express how I would feel. My husband has put his 30th birthday as our "start trying" date and I really really want him to speed up his time table. *sigh*

[Pink Herring]

We are definitely not at that point yet (at all), but very good to know! Although I doubt any vitamins can save my poor fingernails.

[nancypearlwannabe]

You guys would make one hella cute baby, is all I know.

[Mrs. D]

Most of this post? Could have been pulled out of the multiple Worry Centers in my brain. Not ready. But no one's ever READY, right? But definitely not ready. But it could still happen. And that would be okay - because we're married and stuff. But NOT READY.

I too worry about harming my hypothetical non-baby with wine and gin and tonics and copious amounts of caffeine.

I too am going grey. And am not yet 29. So I win? I guess?

[Liz]

I'm still on BC so I don't worry much about getting pregnant (even though I ran out and forgot to refill my prescription last night. Oops!) but I'm at that point where there could be worse things. Though babies are still far away. I have trips to take. And weight to lose because Lord knows that in my family, birthing babies wreaks havoc on a woman's body and no one in my family has ever walked away with anything less than a roadmap on their bellies. So my reasoning is that if I get really skinny before I get pregnant, then I won't get so big and the stretch marks won't be so bad. But then again, I could be an idiot.

[elise]

Wow, this is EXACTLY (no, seriously - EXACTLY) how I have felt for the last 2 or so years. I remember distinctly the moment where my worry about what if I got pregnant went from OH NO END OF THE WORLD to I DON'T WANT TO, BUT I GUESS IT WOULD BE SURVIVABLE - WAIT, *CAN* I GET PREGNANT? (Also never been quite "normal" in the lady monthlies sector, wondered about past cysts, current behavior, etc).

Sigh. It was straight from one to the other, NO time in between! Well, 2 years later and I am (you guessed it) pregnant. So I guess I can, and now that I am, if you're interested, I can tell you what brains like ours do. But I won't delve into that subject unless you're interested - I like to leave people with only one worry at a time.

Ha. Why we are this way, I don't know, but it is nice to see all the fellow worriers out there :)

[Isabel]

Wait...you aren't ready to have babies if you forget to turn the oven off?

Crap. I shouldn't be a mom. (I just did this exact thing this weekend.)

I totally understand what you're saying here. It's like when you think you're accidentally pregnant, but you take a test and get a "not pregnant"..and then are disappointed.

[Angela Noelle]

Holy crap, I felt like I was reading my own words as I read this post. I'm starting to feel more in the realm of "ready" to have a baby (whatever that means), but every single one of those things you talked about worrying about has always been at the forefront of my mind.

I don't really have any words of advice except just to say, I hear ya, sister!

[Angela Noelle]

Holy crap, I felt like I was reading my own words as I read this post. I'm starting to feel more in the realm of "ready" to have a baby (whatever that means), but every single one of those things you talked about worrying about has always been at the forefront of my mind.

I don't really have any words of advice except just to say, I hear ya, sister!

[Jemima]

I second the Understanding Your Fertility. A friend gave me a copy, and I was all, "Whoa. You mean that is NORMAL?" and "So THAT'S why this happens?" After you read it, you won't understand how anyone could accidentally get pregnant ever. It also makes it easier to call your husband at work on a Thursday so he can come home and rock your brick house during his lunchbreak and you end up on the nest.

Also, once you get past the should I get pregnant stage, you get into the why am I not pregnant already stage. Which sucks. And then the holy freck (no cursing, Lent) I'm pregnant oh my freaking God what have I done stage, which also sucks. And then the, I'm still pregnant stage, which lasts ever so long and in my humble opinion, sucks hairy dog's bollocks. Until finally, you reach the wow, I'm actually a mom stage, which is so unbelievably awesome, although I still feel that I am 24 inside and far too young to be a mom and why is this baby swinging next to my desk and why do my nipples hurt? Oh riiiiight, I'm OLD and wearing my husband's pajamas because my ass is huge, but I don't care, because I have a baby to smell on all day. Cool.

I need more coffee.

[K]

Hi. I stumbled upon your blog today. I'm pretty sure I've been here before but I'm going to say Hi today. Hi.
I have had this thought in the past few years as well. I'm 28 (and starting to gray... have been for a few years now) and I have a steady job and a steady boyfriend and I do feel like if I were to accidentally get pregnant that I could manage easily. I completely see your point.
Also, when did I become an adult?? I always thought I'd be married and on my way to having children by 28 but that's not the case at all. I barely feel responsible enough to keep my dog alive (and happy)!

[Lindsey]

Seriously, everything you said...DITTO!!!!

By the way...I MISS YOU!!!