Lie to me

So when exactly are you supposed to have that moment? You know, the moment where it really hits you that you're going to have an actual baby? Because we are currently at T-minus twenty-seven days and, yeah... I still don't really get it.

I feel like I've been pregnant for five million years. I am used to being pregnant. But I still can't quite grasp the idea that we're going to have an actual baby in twenty-seven days. (Please don't remind me that babies are known to show up before their due date. Twenty-seven days sounds soon enough.)

It's crazy to me that we won't be wondering whether it's a boy or a girl any more. We'll know. We'll be able to see this thing that's been doing gymnastics in my stomach. I just can't get my brain wrapped around that. I know it's true, but I just can't imagine what that's going to be like. At this point, I'm not sure if I'll actually get it until I see the actual baby in the hospital.

I will tell you this, though: I'm ready to be done with being pregnant. I think I've said that before, but I had no idea what I was talking about back then. This time I mean it. My feet hurt worse than I ever would have thought possible, from the superhuman task of sitting in an office chair most of the day. (Yes, I am walking around plenty and putting my feet up and all that. And yet, I wake up in the middle of the night to pee and actually limp to the bathroom because my heels hurt so much.)  My hands are so swollen that my fingertips are numb most of the day. I am officially up 30+ pounds, and man, it feels like it. I feel like a whale. And then I catch a glimpse of myself in a window or a mirror and I look even more whale-like than I feel! But at least whales can just pee in the ocean whenever they want without having to limp-waddle to the bathroom. Lucky bastards.

So yes, I am ready to be done with this gestational business. But at the same time I'd like to stretch out our pre-baby lives by just a few more weeks. On Sunday night as I was lamenting the untimely end of yet another weekend, I realized that we only have two more free weekends with just the two of us. Over Labor Day we have a wedding to go to, and the weekend after that is my last yoga teacher training. And then the baby is due two days later. So we have next weekend and the weekend after that to do our normal hang around the house, watch movies, run errands routine. Two more weekends of normalcy... for the rest of our lives. I can't comprehend this whole living, breathing baby thing but I can understand THAT. And... holy shit. Can I get a pause button or something?

Next Tuesday I'll officially be full term, 37 weeks. ON TUESDAY OF NEXT WEEK. I should basically be prepared to go into labor at any time after that.

Heh, labor. See, I'd kind of purposely forgotten about that, telling myself it was far away in the future and there was no point fretting about it. And now it's almost here and guys: I am scared.

During one of our yoga teacher trainings, the meditation teacher told a story that helped me immensely at the time. As the story goes, two young monks living in a remote monastery came across an older monk sitting on a bench. In his hand he had a pair of pliers. The pliers held a bloody tooth. The young monks were horrified and asked the older monk why he'd done such an awful thing -- pull out his own tooth with a pair of pliers! -- when they would have happily taken him to the dentist in the nearest village. "Didn't it hurt?" they asked him. "Well, it didn't hurt when I realized the tooth was rotten and needed to be pulled. It didn't hurt when I walked to the shed and got out the pliers. It didn't hurt when I put the pliers in my mouth. When pulled it out, that hurt for a moment. But now it doesn't hurt any more."

That story was exactly what I needed to hear at the time, after that horrible childbirth class had scared the pants off of both of us. There is nothing to be gained by working myself into a lather thinking about horrible labor is going to be. There is no point in scaring myself, worrying about what if my epidural doesn't work or what if I have to have a C-section and I can feel the doctor rooting around in my insides, what if I can't handle the contractions, what if the entire thing is just as terrible as everyone says it is. There is no turning back. It will be what it is, I will live through it, and then it will be over. The end.

Well, that was a lot easier to tell myself when it was still a nebulous event months and months away at some point in the unimaginable future. Not twenty-seven freaking days away. Or less! Oh god, it could be less. So I've been doing the sensible thing, staying awake until 3am worrying about it and being annoyed by my numb hands.

Tell me it's not going to be that bad. I don't care if you're lying.

**********

I can't believe that I am posting this picture, but here you go. Official 35-week photo! Next time Joel asks me if I really want to take a photo in my sweaty yoga clothes, please remind me to listen to the man.

 

(HEY LOOK IT'S A CRIB OMG. See guys, I told you we were going to get our act together eventually!)

(We don't exactly have a Pottery Barn nursery going on, but we are basically ready for the baby at home. Well, sort of. We have the crib set up. We have the somewhat random assortment of baby clothes that we own washed and stuffed into the drawers of a little changing table/dresser that we bought off Craigslist. We lugged all the hand-me-down stuff that was generously given to us by a coworker up from the basement. I have the vague feeling that we are going to need a whole lot more stuff -- for instance, we currently have three pairs of socks. Do you think we need more than that? What if we have about ten footed sleeper outfits? We're probably OK on socks then, right? I sure hope so, since the only socks I could find at Target that weren't for 6+months were those little Carter's gift sets that cost $7.99 for four pairs. I'm sorry, but I'm not paying $1 per sock. Plus, we don't have any more space for more stuff. So three pairs of socks is the limit. Sorry, baby. We should have registered for a bigger house instead of eight swaddling blankets.)

Comments

[Mom]

OMG Jennifer ... when you were born I just kept saying "it's a baby, it's a baby?!" ... everyone thought I was nuts (what did you expect) ... but the awesomeness of a BABY, no matter how prepared and ready, is AMAZING! and just for the record, there were NO horror stories with your birth, it went perfectly along the lines predicted, over soon, and I felt wonderful immediately! Enjoy your last few weekends as a couple, once the baby is here they will be a distant memory, and you will wonder what you did before it's arrival.

[Stephanie]

Oh girl. I am scared too. I think I have been avoiding all the stuff that I need to do bc if I avoid it then it won't happen right? I don't want to think about ripping down there or having an epidural jammed in my spine or having to be induced. Or never sleeping again. Or bleeding nipples.

I keep asking my sister what we need. Like do I need to buy granny panties for the monster pads I will be wearing? Monster pads, I need to buy them? How many socks was one of my questions too. And I know this sounds awful and talk to me on September 21 but I don't think I want the baby here early. How about just a little later? More time!!!!

And god we need a major grocery store run before the baby comes, right. Then why can't I motivated myself to do any of it?

[Liz]

I was going to tell you it will all be okay but then Steph had to mention bleeding nipples and I nearly fainted.

Seriously though, you guys are gonna rock it as parents and you'll be so overcome with love for that little one that you won't even miss your sleep. Is that a lie? I have no freakin' clue. You do it first and let me know how it goes. :)

[Kristina]

I started to write a long, drawn-out comment here but deleted it. This is what I've experienced about pregnancy and parenting a newborn:

If labor was really so terrible, every single woman out there would only have one child. It hurts, yes. There's no way around it. But it is the only time in your life where you will be in pain for a GOOD reason - go with it. I couldn't control everything that was going on, so I just let my body do its thing, let the doctors/nurses/midwifes do theirs and about .5 seconds after laying eyes on my babies, it didn't matter how they came out. (And, IMO, it's really not as horrific as some women say it is. At least it wasn't for me.)

Mommy instinct is real and it kicks in right away and you will know exactly what you need and how to take care of your baby.

Every amazing moment is about a frillion times better than the hard moments. It's all SO worth it.

[RA]

It will be great! You will be awesome! The baby will be adorable and brilliant! Joel will be the best dad ever! Your house will always be clean! You will achieve that magical balance of work and life!

[heidikins]

1. You are gorgeous, absolutely beautiful. *NOT a lie, is a fact, don't argue.

2. The think about the monks? Yeah, that's exactly what I needed to hear this morning.

xox

[-R-]

Yeah, I didn't have the moment of realization until I was in labor in the hospital. And then I basically panicked. But it turned out ok! I even had another kid!

You will be probably be super busy and overwhelmed when you first have the baby, but you will get used to it, and you will slowly get time back to do more things for yourself. Your new normal is going to be so much better than your current normal. You can't even imagine how amazing it is going to be.

Labor is not going to be that bad. You will be ok. And you look really great.

[Erika]

My "moment" didn't hit me until I was pushing and the doctor said "wow, that baby has a lot of hair!" And even with the second baby, it was about the same. It's really hard to comprehend.

Maybe s/he will be late. I have found that the more uncomfortable you are, the less scared you are (sorry, that's awful!!!)

[HollowSquirrel]

You'll realize it when you have to leave the hospital and the crazies there think it's natural that YOU take home the baby...but you don't know what to do!!! Why would they think it's ok for YOU to take home a defenseless, helpless little baby that you could drop or forget to feed?!!

You'll be awesome. You are awesome. Labor is awesome and clearly, you forget the worst parts because I just typed "labor is awesome." You'll get what I mean in a couple of years after your crotch heals.

kidding.

kindof.

[Life of a Doctor's Wife]

I can't comment on all the pregnancy-related stuff (although it does seem very scary - but so many women do it, and then do it again!), but I did want to say that you are SUCH a cute pregnant lady. Seriously, you look wonderful.

[Sarah]

We must be having a mind meld because I feel exactly the same way! Of course, I have more than 27 days (thank goodness) but not by many...only 47! Which is less than 50 which just seemed like a much more manageable number to me.

I keep telling myself that all the stories are worst case scenario and that my labor will not be like that. I'm hoping I can totally fool myself. So far it's not working.

You look great, you're going to be an amazing parent, and everything is going to be fine! (It better be, because I'm just copying you!)

[Audrey]

First of all, you look fantastic, sweaty yoga clothes and all. That may not mean much coming from someone who spent the weekend in her husband's boxers and t-shirts because they're the most comfortable clothes that actually fit, but still. You look great.

Tim suggested last night that if I want to attempt this whole childbirth thing drug-free (key word: ATTEMPT; am not ashamed to get the epidural if needed) then we might want to practice some pain management techniques. I know he's right, but at the same time I keep thinking of reasons to put it off -- I'm too busy with work right now, he hasn't read the book I asked him to read with all the pain management techniques in it, the dogs clearly need to be petted...Basically, I'm afraid that once I start actually preparing, that means it will actually happen. With all the pain and the terrifying reality that is pushing a baby out. Surely I can just waltz into the hospital once contractions start and it'll all go okay and be easier than I think, regardless of whether I'm prepared, right? Right?

[Mary]

It won't be that bad. Once you get the epidural, smooth sailing. It will work. It just will.
I didn't get the "moment", the life changing, holy shit, this is really happening feeling until the first day it was just me and him, about 2 weeks after he was born. But by then, we'd had so much time together that it was fine.
It's actually very anti-climactic when you bring them home and realize that they don't need more than what you swiped from the hospital- boobs, diapers, plain t-shirt/onesie, swaddling blanket (for the love of peace, TAKE HOME THE SWADDLING BLANKETS! Nothing anywhere lives up to those things.) Also, baby socks- Haynes from Walmart. The only ones he couldn't kick off. It's a little painful to drop 6 dollars on 4 pairs, but it's worth it and they'll fit for a good 4 months.

[Beth]

It will be FINE! Haven't you seen the "Keeping up with the Kardashians" episode where Kourtney gives birth to mason? You must see...it will make you feel so much better (if you can stomach the shots with Scott Disick) She does her makeup while her water is breaking, and just sort of pulls out her own baby, no big deal. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YC9rYsun1WM