Operation Pink Herring

How the baby ruined our TV

A few months ago, Joel declared that we should cancel cable once the baby arrived to save money.

My first reaction was hell to the N-O. Fresh off reading this post, I was fairly terrified about feeling lonely, bored, and isolated during those first few months and I saw the suggestion as a personal affront. Sure, let's cancel cable! That sounds like a fantastic idea! While you're off at work with your fancy fast internet and your people to talk to and important work-things to do, I'll just sit at home with an infant attached to my boob, staring at the wall in silence! And while you're blissfully sleeping through the night I'll just wake up every two hours and quietly hold the baby with one arm while I hold up a copy of War and Peace in the other arm at 3am. Who needs TV when I can be educating myself AND feeding a baby in the middle of the night? And then I believe I cried. Have I mentioned that pregnancy hormones are fun?

Still, I was not pleased with the suggestion, even after I recovered my wits and peeled myself off the tear-stained floor.

BUT. Then we decided to actually do something about turning our second living room into the baby's room.  Previously, we had a big couch downstairs with a flat-screen TV connected to the main cable box and Xbox with surround sound and all that crap. We used this for Netflix Instant and occasionally one of those old-fashioned "DVD" thingies. On the second floor, we had a loveseat and a smaller TV connected to the Tivo. This is where we watched most of our TV (and coincidentally, where we ate dinner, since the coffee table up there doubled as our dining room table). So our first step in Preparing for Baby was to take the Tivo and coffee table downstairs and set them up in the Big TV Room. We then promptly (meaning five weeks later) put all the second floor room furniture on Craigslist. We weren't exactly following the What to Expect When You're Expecting Official Timetable to the letter, but whatever. Progress! We were making it! 

There was just one teensy little problem. When we connected the Tivo to the main cable box downstairs, it started recording every show with this little red flag icon instead of the happy green circle icon we have known and loved for many years. We ignored this at first. But then when I went to watch a rerun of Law and Order I'd recorded, I got this strange little warning telling me that "due to copyright settings," once I started the program, I'd have 24 hours to finish it before it was automatically deleted. Pardon moi? Upon further investigation, we learned that the little red flag also meant that we had only seven days to watch a recording before it was also automatically deleted.

As far as first world problems go, this was a pretty huge one. I came home one day to find Joel frantically watching an episode of Eureka. "I can't talk right now!" he said as he triple-beeped his way through the commercials, "I only have 36 minutes to finish 42 minutes of this show!" A week later, I stayed up way later than I wanted to in order to finish watching Project Runway after forgetting that it went to a 90-minute format last season. Normally I would have just stopped it whenever I felt like and resumed watching it when I was good and ready, whether that was the next day or two months later. BECAUSE THAT IS HOW TIVO IS SUPPOSED TO WORK. But no, I stayed up until the late, late hour of 11pm (shut up) and finished the goddamn show because I wasn't going to have time to watch it the next day. The whole time, I bitterly remembered the night I became utterly convinced that we needed to pony up for a Tivo. We were coming home from the grocery store and it was 7:57pm and Prison Break was about to come on. Joel slowed down while we passed the house and I jumped out of the still-moving car (possibly I have dramatized this evening in my mind a wee bit) and raced inside to set the VCR while he looked for a parking space. I struggled with getting the VCR properly set up and we missed the first ten minutes. This was back before all shows were available online, and also back when Prison Break was a good show. It was a tragedy of minor proportions and I decided I was sick of it. We got a Tivo a few weeks later and the Tivo set us free. The end. Until now.

This little copyright debacle has been going on for about a month, and friends: it sucks. We went on a babymoon vacation to South Carolina (and met the lovely Angela!) and while we were gone, all our shows were deleted. We can no longer bank up three or four episodes of a show and watch them back to back on the weekends. The Tivo is basically useless, and without the Tivo... TV is basically useless. And these two now-useless commodities are costing us $75 a month.

I tried contacting Tivo's customer service, and they were helpful enough, but ultimately concluded that it was a Comcast problem. I tried contacting Comcast and they were... not helpful. At all. The first person I spoke to on the phone said she'd never heard of such a thing and it must be a Tivo issue. The person I talked to on via their online chat help suggested that all our problems would be solved if we switched to a Comcast DVR for a low introductory price. As a last ditch effort, I tried contacting Comcast Bill on Twitter. I've seen other people have great success solving customer service problems via Twitter, and I figured it was worth a try. And what do you know -- it worked!

Well, sort of. It worked in that Comcast Bill put us on some kind of VIP Customer Service list and I got a call from a very nice gentleman who was very concerned about our problem that same afternoon. He agreed that we had a serious (SERIOUS) problem on our hands and set us up with a service appointment that same weekend.

It didn't so much work in that the service tech was unable to actually, you know, fix the problem. He tried switching out the cable box and spewed out a lot of mumbo jumbo about "cable cards" and our elderly Series 2 Tivo "not having one" (and he also had some helpful advice about how we should find out the sex of the baby so that we can know if we're "in for trouble" or not), but the bottom line is this: we either replace our perfectly fine Tivo with a newer model and pray that fixes the problem, or we suffer with the faulty copyright setting forever.

Strangely enough, I have almost stopped caring. It's the summer and there's not much on. I'm totally over Covert Affairs and Pretty Little Liars. So all my shows are getting deleted? Whatever. I'm just pissed that we're now paying $75 a month for, basically, nothing.

Friends, I think we are going to cancel cable. Hold me.

A lesson on dog walking from a non-dog owner

So, you've got a dog! Good for you. I like dogs. Dogs are great. Here are some quick instructions on how to care for your dog in the city.

1. Feed your dog. Dogs like food. 

2. Walk your dog. Dogs eat food, and then they need to poop.

2(a). Pick up your dog's poop.  I know, it's poop, it's gross. But if picking up poop is too gross for you, you should not have gotten a dog. Too late now! PICK IT UP. Use a bag.

2(b). Tie the bag up. This keeps the poop from getting out. If you need a diagram on how bags work, one can be provided for a small fee. 

2(c). Take the bag home with you and throw it in the trash. What's that? You don't want to carry the bag all the way home because it's full of poop and it's gross?  Again, too late. You should have thought of that before you got a dog.

2(d). Here's an idea!  If it's trash day, why don't you just deposit your bag full of your dog's shit in the first trash can you see on the sidewalk?  I mean, it's YOUR dog and YOUR dog's shit, but I'm sure that the owner of the trash can won't mind storing it for a week!

2(e). That was sarcasm.  If you don't want to carry your dog's shit home with you and store it until the next available trash pickup, imagine how much the owner of the trash can does not want to have that same shit rot in their trash can for a week. 

2(f). Yes, dumbass, that's what it means when all those empty garbage cans are lined up on the street: the trash collectors have already come by. The next pickup is in seven (7) days.

2(g). The owner of that trash can especially does not want to store your dog's shit for a week if you've neglected to follow instruction 2(b) regarding bag closure.

3. If you find yourself unable to follow the instructions above, watch your step. An angry neighbor might just leave a litterbox full of cat piss on your stoop.

I'm about to start unfriending people at an alarming rate

You guys, I am not a grammar nazi.  I incorrectly used the word "whom" in an email this week (after looking up the who/whom rules on the internet and incorrectly interpreting them).  I have serious trouble spelling ie/ei words.  I make my fair share of typos and I am often too lazy to employ spellcheck.  I embrace lolcats.

However, the widespread abuse of apostrophes is getting out of hand.  In the past few weeks, I have witnessed all of the following ACTUAL examples, almost exclusively on Facebook.

Mary love's Project Runway!

I'm glad you guy's made it home safe!

Love the new pic's.

Here come's the angry emails!

Mom's are the best!

PEOPLE. An apostrophe is not a decoration you throw on words to make them look fancier.  It means something.  Specifically, it means: (1) that a word has had letters omitted for brevity's sake (for example, "International" becomes "Int'l", or "do not" becomes "don't"), OR (2) it indicates possession (example: that dude's shirt is ugly).

CORRECT: My cat's an idiot; he chases his own tail. ("cat's" means "cat is" in this instance)

CORRECT: My cat's tail is being chased. (the tail in question belongs to my cat)

INCORRECT: All cat's have tails. (no apostrophe necessary)

This is really not that hard, but if you're in doubt: just leave the apostrophe out.  Please, please, PLEASE stop throwing apostrophes in front of every "s" you see.  They're punctuation, not confetti.

To be fair, it's not just Facebook:

It's a little hard to see in the screenshot, but that right there says "wedding's dresses." Wedding's dresses?  I'm not sure if this is an outright apostrophe error or just a confusingly worded page title.  I guess dresses could, theoretically, be thought of as belonging to the wedding itself. Maybe. At best, it's poor wording.  I was sorely tempted to click the box and chat with a Jcrew representative to discuss the matter, but then I got distracted by the friend of a friend on Facebook who is a fan of "Bomb Fires," along with 1,500 other people who are all unaware that the term is BONFIRES. 

And the oven is fixed too

The dark ages have come to a close.  Our internet and phone service were restored yesterday afternoon.

Normally I wouldn't have been as rage-y about the lack of Internet, because after all, I spend all day at work on a computer. I can get the basic email-checking, bill-paying and web-surfing during the day, yes, but we've been trying to plan some sort of anniversary trip thing, since by some sort of time turner witchy magic we have been married for almost a year. In this age of coupon codes and roaming gnomes, it is not possible to plan a vacation without the internet. Well, it's not possible to plan a discount, last-minute vacation without the internet, and if you know us at all, you know that we're very much the last-minute, discount vacation types.

We didn't want to be literally last-minute, though, so we tried our very best to soldier on without home internet. First, we went to the close-by Starbucks on Wednesday last week, having read that they had just transitioned to free internet. We each bought the cheapest thing we could consume (a small iced coffee for Joel and an orange soda fizzy thing in a bottle for me) and then sat down for some interneting. Five minutes later, we found out that the whole free internet at Starbucks thing was true, starting July 1. At this point it was 8:30pm on June 30th. So! We packed up our computer, I screwed the bottlecap back on to my orange fizzy drink and we biked over to Barnes and Noble in the sweltering, record-breaking, I-just-took-a-shower-goddammit heat. At Barnes and Noble we were able to successfully able to connect to the internet for an entire twenty minutes before they closed. It was just enough time for me to finish my $3 orange drink thing from Starbucks.

There were several different variations on this scenario over the following days. We went to Joel's office on a Saturday, except we were unable to figure out the network key, so I sat and watched Joel do computer stuff for a few hours and THAT ended in good moods for everyone. Joel spent an hour in the coffee shop across the street from my yoga studio unsuccessfully trying to connect to their broken network. On the Fourth of July we returned to our trusty Barnes and Noble, where the free internet was no longer working because of "interference" and all the cafe tables were taken up by tourists (my personal favorites were an elderly Asian couple who were intently paging through a picture book called Baby Animals). Let me tell you, after this whole ordeal Panera Bread has won my undying affection. Four hours of uninterrupted internet access. It could only have been better if we were, say, IN OUR OWN HOUSE.

But, anyway! We have an anniversary trip booked and I got a really good cup of french onion soup out of the deal.

I was a little bit ruffled by this entire situation, in case you couldn't tell, but I think that the family member most traumatized by this outage was the Tivo. You see, we have the Tivo hooked up to our wireless network so that it can have high-speed conversations with the internet about all of the wonderful programming options out there for citizens with basic cable. When it can't talk to the internet for some reason (say, when we didn't have our own internet for several years), it uses the phone line to talk to the hamsters at Tivo central. When the internet AND the phone line are down, the Tivo gets a little bit crazy. It threw increasingly frantic messages up every time we turned it on, telling us that program information was running low! Please to connect to internets for talk with hamster friends! I CAN HAS INTERNETS RIGHT AWAY PLZ! Finally, we turned on the program guide on Tuesday and saw a blank, open space stretching from 7pm on Wednesday onward. Forget December 2012, armageddon was coming on July 7 as far as our poor Tivo was concerned. And he was afraid.

We had a scheduled appointment with Verizon yesterday, made weeks ago, but I had little hope would get anything accomplished. Someone had already come out the week before and been shocked that the pole with all the phone and internet wires was not in our backyard (note: we have no actual yard), but in the alley of a house up the block on another street. This also shocked Verizon when they came out to install our internet several years ago and every other times they have come out for service. Every time they are completely flabbergasted that there is no way to access this stupid pole from our house, which is kind of annoying because, 1. this is not the first time we've been over this, and 2. we are not the only city dwellers in this situation, guys. But the dude last week said he'd contact the owners of the house that does have access, and that he'd call Joel the very next day to work something out. He never called, obviously. I tried pleading with the Verizon customer support representative on Twitter, and that accomplished about as much as you'd expect. But someone in the technology world must have heard our Tivo's distress call, and somehow everything just got fixed yesterday at about 3pm, four hours shy of the Tivo apocalypse. And then there was a brownout around 9pm and we the internet was broken again for a while, but we're not going to talk about that because I don't want to cry.

So things are fixed and everyone is happy. YAY. Except the Tivo, who can't get it through his antennaed skull that we narrowly escaped the pit of despair and everything is OK now. He is still giving us frantic PLEASE CAN I HAS INTERNETS messages after we finish a program. And when we turn the TV on. And at the bottom of the Tivo screen. Obviously he has suffered serious psychological damage from the near-miss and is going to need lots of therapy. Which is why I'll be demanding at least two months of free phone and internet, just for starters, when I call up and yell at Verizon later. Yelling at people is my new thing. I yelled at a gang of thug-wannabes in the movies this weekend -- they were being seriously, disruptively loud and we are serious about The Last Airbender around here -- and then I demanded my money back from the theater after the movie was over. I am half proud of myself and half nervous that I'm turning into the older lady at my office who calls up to yell at her credit card company at least once a week, but either way I have two free movie passes. Hello, Edward Cullen.

My enemies, let me show you them

Joel and I are out at a restaurant having dinner – that’s one of the benefits of living in the city, when it snows 20 inches you can walk to the movies, and then later to a bar, in effect going out more than you do when the weather is perfectly nice – and I’m looking at Twitter on my phone. I’m about to reply to Kristabella about the Vampire Diaries, and as I type “did you know that Stephen is Steve McQueen’s son”, Joel informs me that it’s actually Jason, not Stephen-with-the-big-head, and he’s Steve McQueen’s grandson, not son. Oh. Well. Backspace-backspace-backspace.

Then we get to talking about Steve McQueen, who I often confuse with James Dean. Joel explains that Steve McQueen is the dude in The Great Escape, which I’ve seen most of, and which I actually liked. Wow, I say, he’s like, all wiry and super-skinny, right? He’s cool like James Dean? Yes, he did boatloads of cocaine and was very skinny, Joel says. And he possibly died racing his car, which everyone knows is about as cool as you can get. Oh, like in that episode of Supernatural, I say, but no, again, that’s James Dean. I don’t understand how this guy is SO cool, I say, and so we do the sensible thing and turn to Wikipedia (have I mentioned that I adore my new phone? It’s quite handy to be able to settle these questions immediately) to find out just why everyone thinks this Steve McQueen character is so goddamn cool.

Ok, first of all: his photo is his mugshot. Second of all, he is making a peace sign. In his mug shot.

Further evidence of coolness: He was an avid racer of both motorcycles and cars, he performed his own stunts, he has a type of Mustang named after him, he was on Richard Nixon’s Enemies List.

And that’s where the conversation stopped being about whether Steve McQueen was cool or not and started being about how you know what I need? An Enemies List.

OPH Enemies List – last updated 12/23/2009

• The guy from the Free Credit Report.com commercials
• Kristen Stewart
• Whoever's idea it was to cancel The Unit
• The guy from the gym who calls my Pinky*
• Max’s (RIP) previous owner
• Car Accident Guy
• Sheila Dixon
• Catherine Hardwicke
• Our neighbor**
• Whoever leaked Midnight Sun
• Handicapped parking space asshat
• Snakes
• The dude who bought my Jetta and keeps getting it impounded***
•  Calleigh Duquesne
• People who can’t parallel park (I mean people who park in the middle of two spaces and have no common sense, not people who can't nail a space on the first try.  Although, I'll have you know, I can nail a space on the first try.  As long as no one is watching and making me nervous).
• People who run to the store to buy toilet paper and bottled water every time the forecast calls for snow****
• Scooter thief 

I have the feeling I might have to  make this list into a permanent page, because I know there are more enemies out there.  Douchebags: they're everywhere.

* Funny story about the gym. So, maybe I told you guys, but I got married and I was really busy doing all kinds of important marrying stuff and I sort of stopped going to the gym some time around, say, June, so that I could focus fully on biting my fingernails and creating superfluous Excel spreadsheets. And then there was the wedding, and then we were on vacation, and then my knee hurt and then I had knee surgery, and then I was recovering from surgery and long story short: I didn’t go to the gym for over six months. When I found out I was going to be having surgery, I meant to call and put my membership on hold so I wouldn’t be paying for my unused membership, but, well, I never got around to it.

So I went back for the first time last week, and I was really nervous. Would it still be in the same place? Would my card still work? Would I get stuck in an awkward conversation with my Gym Nemesis about why I’ve been gone for so long?

I walked in and I’d never seen the guy working at the desk, SCORE. Maybe Gym Nemesis doesn’t even work here any more, wouldn’t that be grand!

When I swiped my card it made a bad-sounding dinging noise so the new guy asked me to swipe it again. No dice. It turns out my membership had been canceled in August, when I changed my name and totally screwed up their automatic deduction system. Score one for procrastination! He said it was no problem, gave me a new application to fill out and said I could just bring it with me the next time I came. He waved me through, I managed 20 minutes on the elliptical, determined that everything was pretty much in the same place as it was six months ago, and went home.

The next day I returned with my completed application in hand. I turned the corner to see none other than Gym Nemesis working the desk. Maybe he won’t remember me! I’ll just pretend that I’m a totally new person and hand him this application and – - “Hey, Pinkie.  Where've you been?”

Fuck.

** Funny story about our neighbor: for no reason at all, she hates us. Well, I should say, she hates me. She seems to have no problem with Joel, which is super since I’m the one who bought her a cute (not creepy) Welcome to the Neighborhood card and introduced myself when she moved in. Anyway, she doesn’t like us, her yappy dog doesn’t like us. So on The Great Snow Day this weekend, Joel is out shoveling the sidewalk (including hers, because he is nice) and she asks him if he can collect her mail next week. And then she elaborates, saying usually she asks her First Tier Friend, Mr. Old Man, but she really can’t ask him "to come out in this weather." Sooo... not only are we her second choice for vacation mail collector, but she hopes we slip on her (unshoveled) stairs and break a leg.

*** Funny story about my old car: apparently you can’t just sell a car, the car remains yours in the eyes of the Maryland Motor Vehicle Administration until the new owner registers it in his own name. If, say, he prefers to drive the car around unregistered and all unlawful-like, and then, say, he gets his car towed for parking illegally, you will get an Official Certified Letter from the Official County Government demanding that you come and officially pick up your car, even though it's officially not actually your car at all and you have neither the required proof of ownership nor the keys.  This Official Certified Letter will threaten all kinds of official fees and penalties for failure to officially pick up your car and pay the official towing and storage fees.

I ignored the first letter because it came just before the wedding. When I got a second letter, I called every number listed on the damned thing, from the county police station (“nothing we can do, call the MVA”) to the MVA (“nothing we can do, tell him he needs to register the car”) to the impound lot (“nothing we can do, there aren't any Volkswagens here”). I noted all these supremely helpful conversations and filed the letter right next to the Bill of Sale.

And now I’ve gotten a third letter. This one says the car was impounded on December 3, which leads me to believe that Mr. New Jetta Owner is somehow retrieving his (my) (our) poor Jetta each time. I don't have any way to contact him, since we communicated only via text message and his number was erased when I got my new phone. The best I can manage it to call the County Police, the MVA, and the impound lot again, note the conversations and file the letter away, hoping to the Ghost of Volkswagens Past that when I go to renew the registration on our Mazda next year, the MVA doesn’t tell me that I owe some horrific amount in fines. I figure in that case, I can always “sell” the car to Joel. Or, failing that, we can move far, far away and change our names.

**** Funny story about people in Maryland: Every time it looks like a single snowflake might fall, there is a run on toilet paper and milk.  I honestly don’t understand this. How long do people think they’re going to be snowed in for? Do they really not have enough toilet paper to last them through the weekend? If the snow really does pose an emergency (which it sometimes does, here, because of pure incompetence on the part of the city), really, toilet paper is what you’re putting in your survival kit?

*******************************************************************************

And, well, just so this isn't the most bitter post in the history of Christmas, look!  Snow!

If it's going to be cold, it might as well freaking snow.  That's what I always say.

I like to call this photo "Nevermind".

Ok, I hate the parking situation, but I do love our neighborhood.  Especially when it gets all snowy and I half expect to see a horse pulling a buggy down the cobblestone streets.

 

This has probably been a long time coming

Hey, so you know what I did last weekend?  I went to my brother's wedding!  It was the most lovely wedding in the history of weddings.  Here's a picture of the newlyweds.

And that's the only picture I actually have with people in it (and by "people", yes, I mean "their hands") because, huh, that weekend went by at a supernaturally fast pace.  Possibly that shot of vodka my other brother and I did at 1:30 am in the hotel bar had something to do with it.  We were just trying to determine how drunk we were.  You all know the foolproof How Drunk Are You Test, right?  You do a shot of vodka.  If you need a chaser, you're not drunk enough.  If you accuse the bartender of putting water in your shot glass instead of vodka, who does he think he istrying to cut you off, you're fine and you KNOW water when you taste it THERE IS NO WAY THAT WAS VODKA SHUT UP OMG: you're probably drunk.  Seriously, this test works every time.  Try it!

Ever since we got home from my brother's lovely wedding, a sense of general panic has been slowly building up.  You see, I'd been using that wedding as a landmark in my head.  Every time I'd have one of those nagging thoughts about how I really probably should be figuring out whether we need to order table numbers and escort cards and maybe we should register at more than one store, I'd shrug it off because we still have lots of time -- and besides, we need to focus on K's wedding!  And his wedding is much closer!    Every time I'd start to worry about something for our wedding, I'd think about how stressed they must be and I'd go Google chat with my brother about how things were going and we'd exclaim over how fast the time was going by and how much fun the wedding was going to be.  I felt like I knew what I was talking about.  Don't worry about this, forget about that, all that matters is the two of you and your happiness blah blah blah. 

And now that their wedding is over and the newlyweds are off honeymooning in Hawaii, I'm starting to freak out.  There is no other way to put it.  There are a million seemingly simple decisions that need to be made and I just don't know.  Should we extend the reception by an hour?  On the one hand, we have people coming in from very far away to celebrate with us and I feel like the least we can do is give them a party that goes past 10pm... and on the other hand, I don't think I can live with myself if we spend $850 for one hour of time, and that's how much it would cost us to tack on extra time with the venue, the caterer and the DJ.  

Should we have table numbers printed?  What about programs and menu cards?  And what about shuttles from the hotels to the wedding and back again after the reception?  Will people be upset if we don't offer any transportation? 

And have I mentioned that we haven't booked a honeymoon, or even decided on where we want to go?   Or that my dress, which I ordered from a Very Reputable Bridal Shop in November hasn't arrived yet?  I was pretty much OK with both of these facts, but it seems I'm the only one who feels that way.  Everyone I've told about the MIA dress has been horrified.  What do you mean it's not here?  The wedding is six weeks away!  Uh, yes, I am aware.  But what am I supposed to do?  I have been faithfully calling the dress shop every week and they've assured me that everything is fine and the dress will be here in time.  And after all... we still have six weeks!  Six weeks is plenty of time to do whatever needs to be done with wedding dresses.  I'm annoyed that it's late and I'm aggravated that I cannot squeeze a definitive delivery date out of them, but there's no need to panic... right?

And the honeymoon... I mean, I don't' even know what to say to people who say things like "what are you waiting for?  I planned my entire honeymoon to Jamaica in two hours!"  That's great, but we're not interested in an all-inclusive lay-by-the-pool resort vacation.  We're considering all sorts of places: Ireland, Iceland, Canada, San Francisco.  Sure, we're a little behind the traditional schedule, but we've booked entire trips in far less time than six weeks.  In fact, if we book something this weekend as planned, I'm pretty sure it will be the farthest in advance we've ever booked a trip.  We booked the Barcelona trip less than a month ahead.  I only had about three weeks advance notice about the Scotland. So... we're fine, right?  Then why do I feel very much NOT FINE?

Worst of all, I hate myself for feeling this way.  Up until now, I've stuck to my mantra: if it's stressing you out, CUT IT.  I've caught myself a few times this week thinking "wow, it will be kind of nice when this wedding is over", and that is totally unacceptable.  I refuse to feel that way.  I refuse to spend our money and our time on something that isn't at least 90% enjoyable all the way through.

And so... yeah.  So that's how things are going!  I have been hesitating to write this entry because I'm afraid it'll sound whiny, I'm afraid it'll sound like I've lost focus on what really matters and I'm afraid I'll cringe if I re-read this a year from now.  Also, I'm a little bit nervous I might start crying.  I don't know how to write about how stressed I am without sounding like I'm not tremendously excited, which I am.  But I just feel like if I get another email from Macy's with helpful "last minute" wedding registry advice I might kill someone. 

Honestly, I cannot wait for our wedding.  I am so excited and so thrilled and so completely in love.  I know that's all that matters.  But I'm having trouble convincing the rest of the wedding industry.

Grumble, Part 3... and let's all hope there's no part 4

At the risk of turning this into an all-bitching, all the time blog... let me just tell you about my doctor's appointment yesterday.  

I went to an orthopedic surgeon last month to have my knee checked out, because it was still feeling awfully sore and ache-y, six weeks after The Accident.   It didn't hurt per se, but it felt really sore when I did certain things, like "yoga" and "sitting cross-legged," and if there's one thing I learned from years and years of competitive running, it's that you don't mess with your knees.   So, the lawyer that I have obtained to deal with the paperwork nightmare that is a personal injury claim set me up with an appointment to see an orthopedic surgeon that they work with.  Now, I've seen more orthopedic surgeons than I care to remember (see: years of competitive running), and I have yet to find one that I didn't want to kick in the teeth with the various malfunctioning parts of my body, so I was fine with going to whoever the lawyer recommended... especially because this meant they arranged the appointment for me and the bill went directly tot he lawyer's office (see: paying a lawyer to deal with my hassles for me).   I went to the initial appointment and the doctor said he thought that what I had was a cartilage bruise, which would eventually heal on its own.  Just to be sure, he sent me home with some prescription-strength NSAIDs and orders to obtain an MRI and return in a few weeks.   Fine and dandy.  I think that, including the time I spent filling out the load of insurance paperwork, the entire visit probably took 40 minutes.

Now, this is embarrassing because I used to live in the general neighborhood of this doctor's office, but I sort of got lost on my way to the follow-up appointment yesterday.  The short story is that office is on a street that's one way running south, and I was coming up a street that's one way running north, and I thought I turned the right way to loop around past the office but I didn't.  The longer story involves a panic attack as I tried to drive slowly down the (wrong) street, looking for the office's street number, driving about a mile in the wrong direction, a lot of cursing, and a long history of not being able to navigate my way out of a paper bag.  When I finally got my bearing, I decided to just park the damn car and walk the two blocks to the office because I was really, really getting tired of wasting my entire afternoon off from work driving around one-way streets.  Besides, I rationalized, there were all these signs up the last time about parking in this lot instead of that lot and how anyone who parked in that lot would be towed immediately, and you know what I really don't need?  To have my car towed.  Right, so I'll just park here behind this moving truck and would you look at that, the last person overpaid the meter and I still have an hour and forty-five minutes of time left.  And... I guess I'll put the club on my steering wheel and take the radio face-plate off because wow, this area is a little more ghetto than I remembered. 

Since I was running late by this point, I took a shortcut through an alley.  This was, to say the least, not smart, but by this point I am sure that no is surprised.  What's important is that I made it to the doctor's office with ten minutes to spare during his open clinic hours.

And then I waited.  And waited.  And waited some more.  People, I sat in that horrid waiting room for nearly an hour and a half.  To make matters worse, not only had I forgotten my book at home, but I was also the only person in the room who wasn't 1) faking a worker's comp claim, 2) suing Walmart, or 3) both.  I was also the only person who noticed that one of the many screaming children in the "play area" had taken to throwing around duplo blocks, one of which hit me squarely in the back of the head as I was flipping through a year-old Time magazine article about the Dalia Lama.   And the only person who was perturbed by the fact that there was not a scrap of toilet paper to be found in the single bathroom stall in the waiting area.  Also: the only one without an iphone.  Right.

After I'd given up all hope of getting anything done for the rest of the afternoon, I was finally granted my thirty seconds of doctor face-time.  Happily, I do not have any torn ligaments.  So... that's good. 

I walked back to my car in a petulant mood, thinking of all the enjoyable things I could have done with that last two hours of my life when I realized that I'd indeed been gone for two hours. As in, fifteen minutes more than my parking meter allowed.  Oh, shit, I thought.  PLEASE let me have a parking ticket.  Please let me have gotten a ticket in the fifteen minutes I was over the limit, so I can put it in an envelope and mail it to the lawyer's office with a note that says "PLEASE ADD THIS ONE (1) PARKING TICKET, ALONG WITH TWO (2) HOURS OF MY LIFE TO THE SETTLEMENT.  AND ALSO ONE (1) DUPLO-SHAPED BRUISE ON THE BACK OF MY HEAD."

I walked closer and closer, with a sinking feeling in my stomach as I noticed that there were now far fewer cars parked on the street.  Oh, shit, I thought (again).  Was this a no parking between 4 and 6pm zone?  I didn't even think to look since I thought I'd be out of there by 3pm at the latest, but yup, even the moving van I parked behind is gone. 

And then I noticed that my car was gone too.  And for one heart-sinking minute, I thought I'd been towed. 

But then I found my car behind a white van that had just done a terrible parking job.

I got in and drove away. The end.  

Good story, right? 

Dude, where's my UPS box?

I had my first wedding-related nightmare last night.  (I say "first" because I'm sure there will be more... worrying, it's what I do.  Even in my sleep.) 

In the dream, we were apparently having our wedding in some sort of island destination.  My family and friends all went out to this island about a week before the wedding and we were having a great time until I suddenly realized that the wedding was the next day and holy shit, I'd forgotten to do everything that I was supposed to do during that week. 

First, I realized that I'd never ordered any wedding bands, and I sent Joel off to find something we could use for the ceremony in a one of the local shops.  Then I started running around the island looking for florists and photographers when my mom reminded me that the dress was still way too long - I'd never had it hemmed.  I ran and found a tailor who said she'd happily fix it that same day... for $1,000.  The flower ladies were spouting on about some island rock (yes, rock) had made traditional bouquets impossible BUT they could do this weird thing with rope instead when my two friends came back with long faces on.  The local butcher had no idea how to cut up the wild hog I'd brought for the wedding feast (I finished Omnivore's Dilemma, in case you couldn't tell), they said.  We'd have to find a caterer instead.  Joel came back, saying he couldn't find anything but a pair of gold hoop earrings for us to use for the ceremony, and at that moment I realize that I had never found an officiant.

This whole time someone (who shall remain nameless because I know she would never do this in real life) was laughing.  Just as I was screaming "this isn't funny, STOP LAUGHING AND HELP ME!" I woke up and realized that I was mega-late for work.

See, I told you.  Breaking Point!  Officially reached!

In other news, I cannot find my car.  I was going to drive to work this morning so I could go to the grocery store after work, but car = missing.   Does anyone know where I parked my car?  Black Jetta covered in pigeon poop?  Anyone?

Lastly, I came home last night to find a note from UPS saying that they'd left a package my brother had shipped here with some last-minute stuff for his bike trip "BY FLOWERS -->".  I looked in in the shrub that the United States Postal Service so enjoys abusing, but there was no box to be found.  Someone stole it, which isn't all that surprising since UPS basically left a nice shiny box on the sidewalk on our heavily foot-trafficked street.  I am officially adding "mailbox" to the list of requirements for our next house, right after "closets", "designated parking", and "more closets". 

A stern talking-to

I thought that we had an understanding, but I'm so deeply disappointed in your behavior today that I can't even muster an appropriate response.  Passive-aggressively staying in bed until 7:50 and carrying a grumpy attitude around all day is a start, but we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of my disillusionment. 

The rules we set out were clear: I would muddle through winter as best I could, holding my complaints about the weather and the cold and the dry skin to a minimum.  You would, in return, supply at least one day off from work between the months of December and February.  Preferably the storm would be big enough to justify staying in the house all day, wearing pajamas and sitting on the couch with a mug of hot chocolate.   

Things were going well.  Today was to be the agreed upon Snow Day, and I had plans of scrapbooking, working through the Tivo cash, cleaning, and maybe even sleeping in.   

And then you went and raised the temperature just a few degrees.  And the snow turned to rain.  And everything was ruined.

I don't know how we're going to handle this, young lady.  When I think of an appropriate punishment we'll sit down and talk about how you can earn back your privileges.  Until then, I don't want to hear a peep out of you. No -- don't even say it -- not a single temperature under 40 degrees.  Don't even ask about using the phone.  February is over as far as I'm concerned.  Bring on March and spring and even the oppressive humidity of July.  I'm done with you, winter.  Done.  This conversation is over. I expected more from you. Now go to your room and think about what you've done.

 

Weekend recap, posted on a Monday! Imagine that.

This weekend was lovely.  I did a million errands, vacuumed the whole house, crossed things off my to-do list left and right.  When I woke up on Saturday morning to get to my 9am hair appointment, the air was crisp and cool and by god, it felt like fall.  It felt wonderful.

After my appointment, I picked up our new video camera at Fedex (more on that later), picked up my truffle brown shoes at David's Bridal, went to Walmart for an oil change, got reject by Walmart because my car has an oil leak (they were not swayed my my "I know it has an oil leak, what does that have to do with changing the oil?" logic), took my car to the MVA for its biannual emissions inspection, ignored the signs that said not to have your emissions inspected if your car is leaking oil BECAUSE YOU WILL FAIL, passed the emissions inspection while simultaneously leaking oil, and made it home in time for some lunch before we headed out to peruse the annual neighborhood flea market in the park. 

I am not kidding at all when I say that these are my favorite kinds of weekends.

Only one thing threatened to spoil my weekend of productivity: IKEA.  Evil, evil Ikea.   

I have some issues with Ikea, mostly relating to their penchant for selling me lovely items for my home at a reasonable price, making me fall in love with said items, and then immediately discontinuing them.  For instance, we bought some delightful magazine holders that saved my relationship with Joel.  Joel enjoys saving every back issue of each of the four magazines he subscribes to, just in case he might ever desire to go back and look something up in the May 2003 issue of Men's Journal.  I, on the other hand, become extremely agitated when things look messy.  It's a disease, it's a neurosis, it's whatever you want to call it.  Clutter makes me nervous.  We used to have a conversation daily that went something like this:

Me: Are you done reading this four-month old copy of Rowing News? 

Joel: No, I haven't finished reading it.

Me: Well, when are you going to read it?  It's four months old.

Joel: I don't know.

Me: I'm throwing it out.

Joel: No, I want to keep it.

Me: WHY?  YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO READ IT! OMG!

Then we went to Ikea and found these adorably sheik magazine holders that completely solved the problem.  Joel got to keep his magazines, I got to sort them by date and file them away.  The colorful spines actually look nice on our bookcase!  Joy to the world.  In fact, I loved them so much that I went back to buy more.

Can you guess what happens next?  Ikea stopped making them, of course!  The ones we bought were very similar to this:

Except the ones we got are a different sheen of black, and are designed to have the spines of the magazines facing out, while the new versions are designed to have the back of the file facing out.  Ugly cheap Ikea-fasteners are on the other side.

This probably sounds like the most insignificant gripe you've ever heard.   I'm sure I could buy the different sheen of black and have the fasteners facing out and no one would notice.  BUT I WOULD KNOW.   And it would drive me insane.

Many moons ago, Joel and I re-did our living room, complete with a new bookcase/entertainment system, the design of which we agonized over for weeks.  The final plan we devised to maximize storage space and minimize cost consisted of three bookcases, a TV stand, and two bridging shelves to tie it all together.  When we went to Ikea to buy all the supplies, the bridging shelves were out of stock, so we decided to come back for those another day.

We were so naive.   

When I wrote about this back in May, I was frustrated but hopeful.  I called Ikea faithfully every Friday to check if those damn shelves were back in stock, and every Friday they told me they were still out of stock, with no ship date listed, but don't worry!  They're not discontinued.  In fact, we have some in birch that you can pick up right now, if you'd like.  Then I'd explain that birch shelves don't help me because our entire system is dark brown, and they'd tell me to call back in a week or two.  Which I did.  For months. 

Finally, when the 2008 catalog came, there were new! shelving! options!  In dark brown!  In the exact length we needed!  Screw the old shelves, in with the new.  Even though the new shelves cost $50 each, while the ones we originally wanted were only $14.99.

So we got the shelves home.  We tried to hang them, and HOLY HELL they were heavy.  One of us had to stand underneath like Hercules, holding up the shelf (at the right height) (and level), while the other stood on a stool to try to screw it into the wall.

Guess what!  The shelves are actually an inch longer than the specs said they were.  No problem, Joel will just move one of the bookcases over an inch! 

Guess what!  The studs in the wall don't line up with the pre-drilled holes.  No problem, we'll (and by we, I mean Joel) drill new holes. 

Guess what! The screws that came with the shelves are not long enough.  No problem, we'll go to the Home Depot for new screws.

In the meantime, the shelves can just sit in the living room.  And serve as a cat condo.

I declared that come hell or high water, those shelves were getting attached to the walls this weekend.  There was much angst, much cursing of all things Swedish, and my arms are SORE.  But the bottom line is: Joel is my hero, the shelves are up, and WE WIN.  TAKE THAT, IKEA.

I before E, except after C

Here I am, innocently watching my Yahoo!LAUNCHcastTM video player, wondering why my "personalized" video station insists on airing videos by Akon.  You don't know me at all, Yahoo.  You just don't love me like Tivo does.

This new song, which is eloquently titled "Sorry, Blame it on Me" begins innocently enough, at least he's not crooning about all the Beeyootiful Girls who will break his heart.  Oh, look, it's a nice letter he wrote to his momma telling her he loves her.  That's sweet.

And it's signed "You're son, Akon"

**SPLAT**

Oh, sorry, that was just my head exploding all over your screen.  Blame it all on me.  The  mess, I mean.  I take no responsibility for the fact that Akon, his agent, his producer, his mother, and his video girlfriend with the cute Vera Bradley bag all failed fourth grade English.

And I just watched the beginning three more time just to make sure.  It says "you're".

Someone please kill me.  Preferably not by this method, though.   (See THAT'S why I have a mortal fear of Arizona.  If the producers of Mrs. America had only thought to consult  me, I would have told them that this was an accident waiting to happen.  I hope they're shaking out the sheets for scorpions.

I mean, I hope there shaking out they're sheets.  Sorry, blame it all on me.)

Happy Labor Day, internet.  Here's to hoping you're not assaulted by any offensive grammar.

Edited to add: No offense intended toward the fine citizens of Delaware

As we were driving to New Jersey on Saturday morning to attend an engagement party, I had the occasion to take special notice of the road signs along the way.  I'd like to thank the massive traffic on Route 95 for this rare opportunity.  Really, 95 went out of its way to make this trip memorable by first planting a massive traffic jam just south of the Maryland border and then following up with the requisite senseless Delaware backups.  When we finally got to the party, after FIVE AND A HALF hours of driving, we learned that someone else coming from Baltimore had just turned around and gone home after two hours.  That at least made Joel feel less bad for asking if it was possible to un-RSVP to a party.

On the way up, I surprised at how nice some of the signage was.  I'd never noticed this before, but is there a new school of thought relating to the psychology of road signs?  There was a sign that said "Please do not discard litter", and another saying "Buckle up!  We CARE!"  When we exited the NJ Turnpike, there was a sign asking us very politely to obey posted local speed limits.

Um, hello?  Isn't that sort of common sense?  I think the sign makers are thinking way too much about this.  I have designed a new sign that could replace all of these.  Enough with the "Please don't speed," "Keep a safe following distance", and "Don't throw your crap on the road".  Let's just get right down to it:

And while I'm doing the sign-makers' jobs for them, I'd like to suggest a few revisions to the iconic Delaware sign, too.  I mean, this does not really capture the true spirit of The First State:

This would be much more useful to travelers:

   

*Edited to add:  I mean no offense to the state of Delaware, its residents, or their pets.  Seriously.  I know that when people say "no offense," it usually just means "I'm about to say something really offensive", but I have no hard feelings for anyone or anything in Delaware, except for that particular 15-mile stretch of 95. 

**In fact, I've almost become fond of the Delaware traffic: it's dependable and reliable, and those are good qualities to have.  And by calling it "Delaware traffic", I just meant the traffic in Delaware, not the traffic caused by Delawarians. 

***You know who I am not fond of?  The guy in front of me who got in the EZPASS lane but did not have an EZPASS.  And instead of just running the damn toll like a normal person, he GOT OUT OF HIS CAR, crossed two lanes of traffic, and tried to pay the attendant at another booth.  He was an idiot, but I think he had Kentucky plates. 

****Nothing against Kentucky, either!  I've never even been there!  I'm sure it's very nice!  I hear they make great fried chicken!

*****Please don't kill me.

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For those of you who inquired about the cookie recipe, it's right here.

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I really do plan on posting about our vacation soon.  Seriously.   Right after I get back from spray painting that Delaware sign.

Email is good because it doesn't require talking to people

You know what I love?  I love it when the phone rings, and unable to muster up the energy to actually talk to someone, I let it go to voicemail -- and then when I check the message immediately afterwards, there's nothing but a click. 

No, really.  I love it when someone calls me, and then hangs up on my voicemail.  It makes me feel like I've won.  Ha ha, caller person whose number I didn't recognize! (Or maybe I did recognize it, and I just really, really didn't want to talk to you, specifically!  You'll never know.) You wanted to talk to me, but I evaded you.  And instead of putting "Call Person Back" on my To Do List, I now am freed from the responsibility of taking any action at all.  I win.

Thank you, mystery caller with the 205 area code who just called me TWICE and hung up on my voicemail.  You just made my day.  Guess it wasn't all that important, huh?

Another reason to shop at Sam's Club, besides the free samples

On Saturday, Joel and I went to the yuppie grocery store to pick up a few very specific items.  I am trying my very best to resist the ingrained urge to buy things in bulk, since we are leaving on vacation in 4 days (!) and there is no way we will consume 6 avocados, two pounds of turkey, a giant block of cheddar cheese before then.  We were determined to stick to the list: cat litter, apples, pasta sauce, and a ream of paper for me to write one of my characteristic insane notes for the petsitter on.  My record is three pages (front and back), but we have a whole extra cat this year so I'm aiming high.  Better crazy than sorry, that's what I say. 

We made it through the yuppie Safeway in record time and pulled our cart over to the aisle with the shortest line.  Since Saturday night isn't exactly prime time for grocery shopping, there were only a few lanes open.  When I peered down the aisle to gague how much stuff the people in front of us were buying (and therefore how much time I had to read US Weekly), my eyes locked with the cashier's.   My heart sank a little when I recognized her as Inappropriate Comment Cashier Lady, and I cursed my luck. 

I'm not sure what kind of training Safeway gives its cashiers, but I'd assume that they give them an overview of the basic skills -- how to operate the register, how to call for an override, and the like.  Apparently, they also instruct their cashiers that it is OK to comment on each and every item a customer is purchasing, and ICCL graduated from this part of the course with high honors.  As soon as the customer in front of us finished counting out twelve dollars and thirteen cents in change (I'm not kidding -- the Coinstar was broken, so he decided to simply pay his grocery bill in nickels, dimes, and pennies), the real fun began.  As she scanned my bag of cat food, she looked at me and asked my how many cats I had.   After shooting Joel a look to say "Here we go, feel free to jump in and kill me at any time!", I replied that we had three cats. 

"Oh, wow!" she exclaimed, and without missing a beat, added "we just had to put down my mom's last cat in June."

"Oh, that's sad", I said, trying to sound sincere (for the record -- the first time she told me this story, I was honestly sad for her.  But after you hear the same story, word for word, three times, it stops pulling at your heart strings).

"Yeah, but it was her time to go.  She was thirteen, poor thing could hardly jump up on the bed anymore."

"You don't say." [trying with all my might to keep a straight face, while Joel concentrates fully on loading our other purchases onto the belt]

"Yeah, but it was real sad.  June 13th was when she went."

"I'm very sorry," I said, as she scanned our next item -- two packets of guacamole mix, which warranted the comment, "MMMM!  Guacamole!"

The apples and a few other things made it through the scanner comment-free, but then we got to the cards.  Joel had picked out a birthday card for this mother, and I had taken the opportunity to buy a long overdue engagement card for a friend of mine, along with several wedding cards for the upcoming nuptials-filled year.  "Oooh, looks like everybody's getting married!" she exclaimed, giving me a knowing glance.  I'm not sure what the knowing glance was supposed to mean, did she think I was buying wedding cards for myself, perhaps?  Is that the new passive-aggressive method for trying to get your boyfriend to propose?  We will never know, because I swiped my credit card and high tailed it to the parking lot so that I could burst out laughing.

"That was the fourth time she told me about the dead cat," I told Joel.  "THE. FOURTH. TIME.  How many times do you think she tells that story every day?  Does she tell everyone about her mom's dead cat, or does the 20-lb bag of cat food give me special status?"

While these comments are pretty harmless, it troubles me to wonder what she would say if I were buying anything a tad more... personal.  Like, what happens when I need to stock up on tampons?  Is she going to announce to the whole store, "Oh boy, looks like someone's going to be cranky for the next few days [wink, wink]"?  And since my family reads this site, I'll stop there -- but can you imagine the awkward factor that certain purchases from the family planning aisle could illicit?

On our drive home, I started to speculate about possible responses I could give the next time I make a cat-related purchase (which is pretty much on every single trip, in case you were wondering) and she asks me the inevitable How-Many-Do-You-Have question.  "Next time, I'm going to tell her I have twenty seven cats, and see what she has to say to that," I told Joel.  "No, better yet, I'm going to say, 'None. Why do you ask?' "

"You should tell her you feed the cat food to your dog, because that's what he prefers," Joel suggested.

"I'm going to tell her that it's for my Brazilian baboon.  And he specifically requests Iams Original Flavored with Chicken.  You know, in sign language."

"You should tell her you just keep it around in case we run out of snacks.  And that it really does taste like chicken."

The chances that I'll actually have the guts to deliver any of these lines the next time I get stuck with Inappropriate Comment Cashier Lady?  Close to zero.  But if they weren't so expensive, I would totally throw a few packs of adult diapers and a pack of Monistat-3, just to see what she would say.

Nice guys arrive first

Sometimes I really wish I weren't so nice.  There are situations where I think it would really be beneficial to be the type of person who can really ream someone out.  Situations like this morning, for example.  I arrived on time for a meeting (yes, it's Saturday), only to find the meeting room suspiciously empty.  After checking with the hotel staff, the hotel meetings board, and my email to confirm that I was in fact in the correct place at the correct time, I was at a total loss.  Did I make this meeting up?  Am I sitting in a freezing cold meeting room, wearing a suit, at 7:30 am on a Saturday for no reason?  Is this just a bad dream?  There is breakfast set up, but no coffee... so, technically, it's more like a nightmare.  My first response is always to think that I made some kind of mistake, maybe I'm at the wrong hotel, maybe the meeting is actually next week, maybe it was 7:30pm instead of 7:30am.  Maybe I read the clock wrong.  All of these things have happened to me at some point, sadly. 

But no, slowly the meeting participants start to trickle in.  Coffee is set up.  This thing is going to take place.

Ah! The mystery is solved.  The other meeting participants decided at dinner last night that 7:30am (on a Saturday, in case I haven't mentioned it) is far too early to hold a meeting, and convinced the meeting planner to push back the start time by an hour.  Super!  I concur!  Splendid idea!  Bless your hearts.

Would have been nice if someone had informed me, though.

I'm just saying.

Especially because if I had arrived at 8:30, instead of 7:30 (am) (on a Saturday) (in a suit), I would have missed the kind gentleman in the parking garage this morning who stared creepily at me while I parked my car and packed my laptop in my purse, creeping me out so much that I felt compelled to take the faceplate off my CD player, lock it in the glovebox, and put the club on my car.  If I had been an hour later, he wouldn't have had the opportunity to approach me spewing a diatribe about having no fear in life, replacing fear with love, and allowing only pure love into my heart. 

That's not fear in my heart, buddy.  It's rage.  Which I will do nothing about, because I'm passive-aggressive like that.  Plus, it's too early in the morning (on a Saturday) to string words together and complain in a coherent fashion that this is news that would have been useful to me YESTERDAY.